M-Tertainment

2011-05-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

CHOPPED!

My new favorite contestant on Food Network's awesome competition Chopped -- Rosalind Baldoucci.

You don't need to know the show to enjoy her, but it helps. 4 chefs are given 4 random ingrediants which they must use in some fashion to compose a dish in alloted time; it's three course meal rounds, and one winner. This beauty spent more than half of her 30 minutes shucking oysters. She didn't do anything with mandarin oranges besides pealing and sectioning...then leaving them off of half of the plates. She then decided to simply snap some chinese okra into four chunks and throw that on the plate. She neglected to use the french dressing. She was eliminated first round. She DID make time to dress the plate elegantly with a few lettuce leaves.

Gorgeous.

So yeah, not only one of the best fails I've seen on the show (and there are lots), but also the best eyes of all time. A few of her priceless expressions:

-M

2011-04-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

DUPER DE SUPER

Super (2010)

IFC

D. & W. James Gunn

When hearing the concept of what Gunn was going for, I knew immediately what to expect. The St.Louis native taught me numerous times through his projects that he had a skewed vision of the world. I heard Watchmen brought up, and that level of real world involvement was mentioned. Bringing it down to a reality is what can set a superhero movie apart from the fantastical. Super is great. Super does this SO very well that it's shocking. We're not used to seeing limbs removed, and gaping wounds, when we associate with a superhero movie. Shit, even the Punisher movies were R-rated and fairly tame. Endgame tried so hard to be edgy and crazy, but was simply crap and easily forgotten. Super, and it's ultraviolence, aren't.

Rainn Wilson, who I've adored for his offbeat charm since Six Feet Under, plays a man whose wife is suddenly disappeared, and appears to be affiliated with Kevin Bacon's criminal character. Wilson has a mental break, or a touch of God, or whatever you decide works for you, and fashions himself as The Chrimson Bolt. He begins exploring his divine purpose with a pipewrench, and the results are grisly. Backed even by cartoon sound effect images out of Batman, the vengeance is hyper-real. Hell, the whole thing walks a line of realism and farce, and teeters here and there between. Once Ellen Page comes in as the sidekick, the movie adds a whole other level. More on that later.

Look, I've been a James Gunn fan for about a decade now. Not just because he's from St. Louis, not just because he was once married to The Office's Jenna Fischer, not just because he's cool is hell, not just because I love his writing, but because he is so ME. His humor is MY humor. Slither was as mainstream as Gunn should ever come, and I think he's happy with that. He has a vision and a comedy breed that has no vision in conventional Hollywood cinema. He's sick, he's depraved, and he's hilarious. He's a man who got his start with Troma, that school of low budget brilliance, guided by Lloyd Kaufmann, and though he's dropped a note or two in Hollywood there's no way he should even attempt to sell himself out. His shit is gold, he knows it, he has his following, and that's all he needs. That following will keep growing. He's got fan favorites like Nathan Fillion and Michael Rooker following along, and that don't hurt. Dudes rock.

Super is fucking WEIRD. It's disturbing. It's sad. It's satirical. It's amusing. It's hilarious. And then it's back to disturbing. And then it's touching???? I don't even know how to describe what somebody might get from Super. For someone familiar with gems like PG-Porn, Humanzee, and especially Sparky and Michella, you KNOW what you're getting into. Kevin Bacon, Ellen Page, and Liv Tyler can rope others in, but they obviously got Gunn. Page is fantastically off the rails here, really going for the role like an actor does with a spot they believe in 100%. Hysterical, bonkers, and as psychopathic if not more so than anybody else in the picture. And EVERYONE in the thing is basically a psychopath.

It's as altered and violent a bit of realism as you could expect. And those who aren't aware will go in expecting...Dwight as a vigilante? Yeah, that's not it. It's great for a certain dark humored audience. I'm amongst them. You might not be, so I warn you, but it's great indie film making. And it has tentacles, so that's there...it's awesome, really. But don't hold it against me if you're not on board.

Super opens this Friday at the Tivoli theater in St. Louis.

-M

2011-03-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

DON'T FEED THE TROLL

FRIDEEY, FRIDEEY...no, seriously, this little thing doesn't even deserve BAD attention. Just pay no attention to things and they fade away. Just like we'll forget about Charlie Sheen by next year. Morons.

-M

2011-03-24T01:01:00.000-07:00

SUCKER PUNCHED IN THE DICK

Sucker Punch (2011)
Warner Brothers
D. Zack Snyder
W. Zack Snyder and Steve Shibuya

I know, first post in a long ass time. Get over it. I'm back! What possessed me to write here again? Read on.

This is hands down one of the worst examples of a director who believes visuals and effects alone can make a film work. Studying film, scriptwriting, formula, etc. can teach you the basic rules of what should and shouldn't work. One huge thing, and the first you learn as a writer, is to SHOW and not TELL, meaning exposition is a cheap, worthless tool. Film is a visual medium, thus telling a story should be told as such. Imagine taking that rule in the complete opposite direction. Say, for example, you make a film based entirely on storyboards. Fuck a story, fuck a script, fuck dialogue, just some fancy pictures to turn into moving images. The first five minutes here are like a film school; it's telling you a story with the visuals alone, no dialogue is spoken until at least ten minutes in. It's actually really good, and it'd make a great short film. The rest of the film after that couldn't make sense without having to explain what's going on. It's just like filming those storyboards, only five different people envisioned them. It's a bad example of the rule. The rule should be show, don't tell...unless what you have to show is meaningless. Then scrap the piece of shit, call it a day.

Snyder...I like Dawn of the Dead, think 300 is fairly awful, and I love Watchmen...so I'm pretty torn. I'm not counting that fucking Owl cartoon. Oh! They're fighting with their talons again! IN SLOW MO!!!! And yes, all of those tricks he's grown to use make an appearance, especially that slow mo. I like how he sets up shots, honestly. His vision is soild and defined. But when there's no substance behind it, it's akin to watching a 2 hour music video. One before music videos were a viable artform, and one that could spawn award winning visionaries.

Punch is a non-sensical train wreck; it's a culmination of everything Snyder does wrong as a filmmaker and a writer. Hell, there's no writing here, let's just skip that. The movie's an obvious attempt at creating a live action anime, and it succeeds at that -- it's visually compelling, yet soulless, just like 99% of anime I've seen (and I watched a lot as a teenager). Sucker Punch is like 5 short films smashed together with a silly, dull frame set around it...and then another frame for some reason set inside of that. This is not a cohesive collection by any means. The audience I saw it with was equally puzzled, and hearing one comment really hit the mark: "I've never been so bored and dreading more action sequences in my life...there are two more of these, what the fuck??" That about nails it. Mindless action is fantastic, I've grown up on this; Punch is downright boring. It's horribly paced, poorly edited, and entirely too long. When your action film grows tiresome during your action sequences, something's amiss. The dragon/castle siege sequence is the only bright sequence the movie has. Even worse is that this effects saturated event is drenched with some really awful CGI work. 300 succeeded a lot (if you want to call it that) BECAUSE of the style and look of the film. Using that exact same formula here fails miserably.

Seen Doomsday? That was a Neil Marshall's shot at trying to combine elements from movies he loves and making a "mash-up" picture, and it's a ton of fun to watch because the homage is inspired, and the ideas work together. The things he lifts from are much better films, but he shows respect for the sources. Snyder does the same mash-up approach here: Annie (on acid), The Matrix, Alice In Wonderland, Saving Private Ryan, Reign Of Fire, Akira, etc. All much better movies, right? It just doesn't work, mostly because none of these fit together. It's like putting together five puzzles at once, but you're blind, or you have no picture box for reference. And instead of a homage here, it feels like cut and paste.

Even Snyder's music choices are the most cliche, derivative pieces memorably used in much better films. Outside of Dylan, the music in Watchmen was misguided, trite, but mostly inoffensive...well, except for that Hallelujah sex scene. Jesus. Anyway, we initially get Where Is My Mind, so fucking famously forever entangled with Fight Club, and which should be retired. Our Lady Peace's cover of Let Forever Be brings up fond memories of that guilty pleasure The Craft. Army of Me was lifted from Tank Girl. Yes, I think Tank Girl's a better film than Sucker Punch. Yes, I'm aware Tank Girl is a nightmare.

Amanda Seyfried was initially signed on as the lead, instead opting to do Red Riding Hood. Either way, get a new agent, but at least I was able to fall asleep during Red. Poor Abbie Cornish and Emily Browning are far better than this, though I'm sure the idea of being a fem-soldier team sounded fun on paper. Probably fun to do too. Too bad we didn't have fun though! I so love watching actors talk about how much fun something was for them, especially when the product isn't ANY fun for the audience. Who fucking cares about your awesome 4 month vacation to Hawaii, and learning to surf, when you're doing a remake of Beach Blanket Bingo. No, they're not actually rebooting that fanchise...yet...

JON! JON HAMM! SHIT, dude. Hamm's cameo is some sort of favor, clearly. His character gives old-school pit and hammer labotomys. I wanted one. The rest of the cast is just misguided, miscast, and misdirected. Oscar Isaac is particularly awful as the antagonist. He watched Malkovich, Oldman, Walken, and Washington -- guys who've chewed the shit out of the scenery to great effect as a heavy -- and pissed all up in they mouths. Drip drip drip, drip drip drip, pee on you...

Snyder's lucky he's got Superman in motion already, and we may be lucky that he's not writing it...well, at least not from the ground up. I don't think Punch will perform beyond its first week, if that. I also can't see how executives could see this and think we need more of it...especially if it ain't makin' money. I'd seriously advise you against the curiosity to see this. It's all the fun of watching a video game someone else is playing, none of the fun of ACTUALLY playing it. I'd love to have played this movie, if you will, but as a bystander I felt tortured.
-M

2010-05-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

MIX AND MATCH VOLUME…WELL, WHO CARES ANYMORE…9?

Who knows where I’ve been...? Nobody? Well, shit. I don’t have to explain myself to YOU!

Aw, okay. Doing other things is the real answer. I had the idea to change blog hosts or perhaps change the unfortunate URL or the format, but I haven’t really decided what’s going to happen yet. What else? I had some major surgery in April, and I’m feeling back to better than normal now, so why not get back into the swing with a mix which I‘ve compiled and trashed probably four times now. Should be interesting to listen to -- it’s as random as usual but there’s definitely a unifying theme going on. In the last few months, suddenly, I’ve fallen for someone. First time a girl has crossed my path in about 5 years which has made me stop and think. That’s something, I’m pretty fickle and picky. So I’m in something like love now and don’t have the guts to try to get it back. I’ll find the guts eventually. As it stands, my head is really, really messy right now, and my heart’s a mess. There’s actually a song about exactly that on here, go figure! You may also notice it’s a segregated mix. But in my own defense, I put all of the black artists FIRST, so…

THE LINK: http://hotfile.com/dl/44426456/f697491/MIX_N_MATCH.rar.html

01 Black Eyed Peas - Rock That Body

I know, I’m starting this mix with the fucking Black Eyed Peas. I suck. It’s this easy: if you don’t like the song, delete it. I personally can’t really stand much of their stuff, but this song gets stuck in my head and repeated so many times per day it’s not even funny. It’s really expertly produced, which is the Peas’ strong suit in will.I.am. On the flip side of that, everybody else is still in that group, and I can do without them. Whatever, I still get pumped listening to this. Even with Chipmunk Fergie.

02 Professor Green feat Ed Drewett - I Need You Tonight

My jam of the summer, so far. Not much is done with the backing sample, which is basically the whole beat of the INXS song. Know what? It doesn’t matter one bit, this thing is blazin‘ hot sauce. My buddy Niles said this is a white Dizzee Rascal, and that’s deadly accurate. If this gets a chance in the US, it should score.

03 Janelle Monae - Tightrope (feat Big Boi)

Look at her CD cover…

...and you think this could be something from Eryka Badu. Grace Jones, maybe. But no, it’s this eccentric lady with a fabulous voice who’s ready to get your booty moovin’, that’s all. Hearing Big Boi again really makes me happy, and reminds me I can do without Andre for a while now still.

04 Bruno Mars - Somewhere in Brooklyn

After hooking a smash on B.O.B.’s Nothing On You, his demos have begun appearing online. This is the best of the bunch, a sweet, bouncy tune with unforgettable harmonies that have been planted in my brain.

05 Lloyd - Set Me Free (feat Mystikal)

RE-DIC. Let Michael Bolton hit this beat, shit. ANYBODY. Bangladesh brings the heat for one of three newly recorded tracks featuring Mystikal (who was released from prison on rape charges this past January). I have missed this dude so much, and he absolutely murders this. You could even say he rapes it with rap if you like! I’m really beginning to like Lloyd too, and I didn’t see that coming.

06 Nas and Damien Marley - As We Enter

A weird pairing, but they decided to make an album together, and they actually blend ridiculously well. At under 3 minutes, this is brisk and bangin’ with no rest. Again, I could probably hear a retard rap on this beat and I’d like it. So it’s fortunate that there are actually other great songs on the album as well. Check it out.

07 Talib Kweli - Midnight Hour (feat Estelle)

Off of the Reflections Eternal album, which is a joint between Talib and DJ Hi-Tek. It’s packed with terrific production and Talib’s ever impressing, brainy delivery. If this doesn’t get you nodding within 15 seconds, check your pulse. Sick track.

08 J. Cole - Who Dat

Jay-Z’s protégé, and I can’t see why. The kid’s got no swagger, no flow, no delivery, and the beat is garbage. Kidding, of course, it’s the opposite of all of that. FIRE. Of all the hyped new hip hop artists, the one I’ve been anticipating an album from is J. Cole. Unlike, say, Drake, Wale or Kid Cudi, the hype machine is relatively quiet while Cole sits back and delivers a straight anthem here. I’ve yet to hear the other guys even come close outside of a mixtape. Thing is on repeat in my car, I LOVE IT!

09 Yeasayer - Ambling Alp

Sophomore disc eclipses their debut at every single turn. This song alone does it.

10 Ok Go - End Love

Ok Go’s Of the Blue Colour of the Sky is pretty brilliant and yet pretty forgettable at the same time. Not sure how that works out. It’s like this: I don’t think of listening to the CD, I don’t think of the band as one of my favorites, yet when I hear them mentioned or hear a song I’m giddy. I love how this disc is such a major departure from the sound that found them success on their first two albums. They took a break and came back with this cracked out, 80s electro fusion…shit. It’s awesome. Who knows how that happened (copious amounts of drugs).

11 Menomena - Five Little Rooms

Not only is the band’s name incredible, they’re actually not bad musicians either. This trumps anything else I had heard from them, too. I’m looking forward to hearing what else they have to offer on their sophomore album due this summer.

12 Gotye - Heart’s a Mess

Not a new song by any means, in fact from 2006, but Gotye’s Like Drawing Blood has gone in the past few months up to one of my all time favorite albums. No shit. I’ve really never heard anything quite like it. I stumbled upon the video for Heart’s a Mess while surfing YouTube. It’s a stunning piece of work on its own, but what really hooked me was this song. Haunting and sprawling, beautiful and strange. In my top 50 songs of all time.

Watch the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnXFJOXvL_A

13 Mumford and Sons - White Blank Page

It took me a while to warm up to the album beyond Little Lion Man, but I’m pleased I was persuaded to give it more of a listen. Their blend of Brit-folk with this stomping-bluegrass business is really compelling and unique. This is a beautiful song, for sure.

14 Damien Jurado - Arkansas

Damien’s been around for a while, but I’ve just now found him. The production and instrumentation on this tune is a real ear opener. While you can tell it was made in this era, it could easily have fit on a record from the 60s or 70s. I find that stuff interesting.

15 Muse - Neutron Star Collision (Love Is Forever)

The first single from the Twilight: Eclipse soundtrack happens to be a leftover from The Resistance which the band claims they wanted on the album but couldn’t fit. I submit to them that they should listen to the album again, there are plenty of tracks you could have bumped to the curb in favor of this. Or just in general. Regardless, at least it sees the light of day now. The Twilight films leave much to be desired, but their soundtracks have both been absolutely stellar indie and rock showcases packed somehow with exclusive tracks. I’m hoping Eclipse will be the same, and judging from this tune it looks on track.

16 Charlotte Gainsbourg - Trick Pony

Her CD which Beck produced is far more interesting than anything Charlotte’s done before (with music), and this is far and away the most Beck-sounding track on the disc. Having said that, she sounds better on it than he ever would. Just that kinda sound. It’s truly a collaborative album.

17 The Hot Rats - (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)

If The Who recorded the Beastie Boys, it would go something like this. The band (who is a side project from blokes in Supergrass) began as a one-off joke which turned into an album of covers. All of them are actually good, either being faithful and respectful, or putting a new spin. This is a spin and a half. I fucking love it, and WAY more than the version by the Beasties.

18 Fall of Envy - White Flag

I’m not really familiar with Fall of Envy, but this track came highly recommended from a blog I frequently trust, and I’m glad I picked it up. This is a cover of Dido’s song which feels to me absolutely organic. Nothing’s forced, it’s just as if this song was written to be a power-rock track. Who knew? Nicely done.

19 Nitzer Ebb - Once You Say

It’s like traveling back in time and listening to Nine Inch Nails pre-Downward Spiral. Nitzer’s disc is a really solid industrial rock/new wave throwback blended with some modern age bits. I have trouble believing this ISN’T a Nine Inch Nails song, actually. Bravo.

20 Violent Soho - Jesus Stole My Girlfriend

Silverchair met Weezer at a Nirvana concert. Babies were made. BLA-DOW! Kick-ass.

I may actually have a second mix posted tomorrow. A sorrowful one, of course. I’ve been trying to get together an assembly of my favorite tracks to either heal or deal with heartache. Suppose I could share it here, that sounds cathartic. Getting really close to finishing it now. I’ve also got a mix of forgotten hip-hop tracks from the last decade that I can’t wait to share. Comment on my tastes, let me know who you’re liking, give me some recommendations, whatev.

-M

2010-03-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

OSCAR PICKS 2010

Because it's tradition. I wouldn't use these for your local contest.

PICTURE: The Hurt Locker

BEST ACTOR: Jeff Bridges

BEST ACTRESS: Sandra Bullock

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christoph Waltz

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Mo'nique

BEST DIRECTOR: James Cameron

ANIMATED FEATURE: Up

ANIMATED SHORT: The Lady and the Reaper

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: The Cove

DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Music By Prudence

LIVE ACTION SHORT: Miracle Fish

FOREIGN: A Prophet

ART DIRECTION: Avatar

CINEMATOGRAPHY: Christian Berger, The White Ribbon

COSTUME: Sandy Powell, The Young Victoria

EDITING: Sally Menke, Inglorious Basterds

MAKE-UP: Jon Henry Gordon and Jenny Shircore, The Young Victoria

ORIGINAL SCORE: Michael Giacchino, Up

ORIGINAL SONG: The Weary Kind, Crazy Heart

SOUND EDITING: Christopher Boyes and Gwendolyn Yates Whittle, Avatar

SOUND MIXING: Christopher Boyes, Gary Summers, Andy Nelson and Tony Johnson, Avatar

VISUAL EFFECTS: Avatar

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell, District 9

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Bob Peterson, Pete Docter, Up

As if anyone cares anymore, I'm posting my films of 2009 this week. Swear.

-M

2010-02-02T01:50:00.000-08:00

MIX AND MATCH - 2009 YEAR END SPECIAL EDITION

FIVE mixes. FIVE. Containing no duplicates (I think) from all the previous mixes. These are not all my absolute favorite tunes of the year, as you can probably assume that a good many of them have made the other MIX AND MATCH volumes. These are, however, all songs I dig a lot, and I think most of my top 20 is represented in them somewhere. HEY, LOOK! They’re divided by genre! Sorta!

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a2e48g6/n/HARD_AND_HEAVY.rar

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a2e5ad8/n/INDIE_AND_SUCH.rar

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a2e5bef/n/POP_AND_DANCE.rar

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a2e5c11/n/ROCK.rar

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a2e7bce/n/HIP_HOP.rar

And with further ado, my favorite albums of 2009.

20 Placebo - Battle For the Sun

This band has been cranking out albums since 1994 which have garnered critical acclaim and much fanfare in the UK. Yet, somehow, I doubt you could run the name past many alt-rock fans in America and they’d know exactly who you’re talking about. Provocative lyrics and crunchy riffs. This latest disc is as good if not more infectious than any of the previous efforts, boasting less provoking and more excellent songcraft and Brian Moloko’s hypnotic voice. The title track is a repeat listen for me rather often.

19 Passion Pit - Manners

Talk about a major jump. The band put out a decent, underwhelming EP in 2008, then followed up with this knockout. Sick electronic pop grooves and high pitched voices make good. The track Little Voices can’t possibly not make you want to dance, and may just be my favorite song of 2009.

18 The Prodigy - Invaders Must Die

Twenty years later, this band continues to redefine their genre and their sound. Much more refined and solid than their last effort five years prior, and progressively more aggressive and modern. Run With the Wolves was the track I featured on a mix a while back, which remains my favorite. Omen ain’t shabby either.

17 The Swell Season - Strict Joy

Though I don’t think the album is quite the slam dunk that their first disc and the Once soundtrack were, it has to be realized that expectations were enormous for me. I can’t think of music that has touched me quite as deep as Glen Hansard’s has, and that’s really astounding. Regardless, this effort is packed full of great songwriting as always. High Horse was one of the best when I saw them live a few months ago.

16 Espers - III

Sweet, soft folksy music that haunts you is not one of those things you run across all the time, and maybe that’s why I instantly fell in love with Espers years ago (I can’t remember quite how). Their genre is described as psych folk, which makes a lot of sense when you hear certain songs that come completely alive when in an altered state of mind. I still feel like I may be the only person who knows this group, and while I’m happy to keep them, I really wish someone else could discover the creepy beauty. Their albums are not pieces, they’re best as a whole.

15 Basement Jaxx - Scars

I’ve never really been a huge fan of Basement Jaxx, but this album grew on me more and more as I would discover a new track from it. Then I realized I liked just about every single one. Go figure. The musical stylings vary with each guest performer, making for a really varied but sonically similar set. She’s No Good nabs that old James Brown soul vibe mixed with Mambo #5. I mean that in an extremely positive way.

14 Junior Boys - Begone Dull Care

After a few albums and EPs, this group appears to be hitting their stride in full form. Light electronic, smooth, easy going stuff here in the vein of Depeche Mode and New Order. Perfect for any situation. The opening track Parallel Lines is perfection.

13 Wale - Attention: Deficit

Color me surprised, as I envisioned a few months ago that this debut couldn’t possibly live up to the expectations built by outstanding mixtapes, as the early leaked tracks appeared weak. They didn’t make the album, thankfully. Mark Ronson’s hands are scattered throughout, but 90210 which he produced is the closest I’ve heard to a rap lullaby, and there is nary any other track on here which is unlikable.

12 Crash Kings - Crash Kings

One of those last minute things I just discovered even though the album came out in May. Perhaps it’s because the band is just now starting to get pushed to radio, after touring with Chris Cornell. The sound can be compared to Ben Folds Five simply due to the lack of guitar, replaced by a piano. They also appear to conjure up a comparison to Keane by some people. I hear the Ben Folds, but this band is nowhere close to the light FM sound of Keane, and Ben Folds has turned into a pale imitation of himself after he went solo. This will do just fine in the musical landscape, a unique sound with a dynamic lead singer and awesome song craftsmanship. If I had discovered this earlier in the year, I’m sure it would have made the top five, simply due to the fact that I can’t remember a disc which I couldn’t get to the end of because the first five songs bared repeating instantly. Mountain Man should be a first listen.

11 The Heavy - The House That Dirt Built

The Heavy can’t be easily described. A funk band filtered through garage rock, infused with clever looped samples from James Brown, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, and The Rolling Stones, to name a few. A dance party to be sure, Sixteen and Short Change Hero are instant wow-factor tracks, and the rest displays the versatility of these UK upstarts. Expecting many more good things.

10 The Clipse - Til the Casket Drops

A shorter wait this time (three as opposed to four years), yet 100% worth the wait. While 2006’s Hell Hath No Fury was an angry set packed full of angst and anxiousness after a multiple year battle with their former record label. They’re now settled back in and have crafted a disc more in line with their debut. Tales of slingin’ and blastin’ , without the bullshit, and WITH the production to back it up (again mostly provided by The Neptunes). Eyes On Me with Keri Hilson is left of center, catchy as hell, and is bound to be burnin’ up clubs.

9 Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

I’ve been a mild fan for about three years now after hearing a lot of good things about Yellow House and enjoying the result. Turns out it was just a warm up for this disc, an indie classic backed with (maybe a tie) the best song of 2009, Two Weeks. One listen to that should entice anyone with a good ear to consume the rest.

8 Paramore - Brand New Eyes

Talk about a band which I don’t think I would have even gone near, and I stand by the fact that their previous material is fairly bland. A few reviews from trusted and respected voices persuaded me to give this one a shot though. This album is a modern day interpretation of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors. Not in sound, of course, but in terms of in group hatred and singer Haley William’s angry break up with another band member. 300 days on the road touring together can do that to a group of young people. “Don’t wanna hear your sad songs/I wrote them anyway…” is a line that I love which adorns the single Ignorance, a vicious strike aimed directly at target #1. The album journeys into the torn feelings of a breakup, mixed with odes to love and bitterness in equal portions, done with rock and pop skills that some veterans could kill to have. Not too shabby for a former pop-punk group from Tennessee.

7 Lamb of God - Wrath

The metalhead in me cannot die. I understand that if the name isn’t Slayer, Pantera, or Mastadon there is no indie cred to be found in this genre, but I can‘t understand how this band doesn‘t get a big nod. As more diverse as my musical tastes have evolved since middle school, there is still a part of me that loves hearing something to bang the anger and frustration out with. This band for me was like discovering Pantera was for the generation older than me. It’s that sound, it’s the catchy riffs and the rattling drums, the southern slam. Difference being that I never thought the vocals matched as well with Pantera, and that someone like Randy Blythe here would be better. He sounds like a southern fried demon, incapable of speaking in anything but growl. This is either the last great American metal band, or the beginning of a new generation. Take your pick. Reclamation closes out the album, a 7-minute epic journey which I think is their best work. Metal masterpiece.

6 Stereophonics - Keep Calm & Carry On

I wasn’t as pleased with 2007’s Pull the Pin as I would like to have been, so this was a welcome reminder of why I love these guys. So many good songs here, and little dips into different undiscovered sounds makes this set a really solid listen all the way through. The band continues to grow and evolve their sound record to record. Stuck In a Rut has an incredible sound, and ends by building into a very classic rock staple that just makes me nod my head and get giddy.

5 St. Vincent - Actor

I don’t really know who I would recommend this band to, as I imagine every hipster friend you have is already been there done that. But maybe there are some people, skeptical, like myself who will go out on a limb and take the endless praise to mean that there has to be SOMETHING here. I’ve dug through Pitchfork’s lists for years, and don’t think I’m quite hip enough for them. In fact, I don’t know if anyone is. But as I dug into Actor, I realized that there is definitely something glorious here. It began with a weird, hypnotic love for the track Marrow, and grew into finding other things to like. Describing them is a bit difficult (somewhere between PJ Harvey and Portishead?), so check out Marrow or The Neighbors, see if they’re your cup of tea.

4 The Black Crowes - Before the Frost…Until the Freeze

My (unashamed) longtime favorite band returns with a double disc set chock full of reasons to remind myself of that love. Doubt all you want, but this is the last American rock band, plain and simple. Being at a live show is evidence. No band can draw as deeply into a catalogue of albums and a huge selection of cover songs nearly as easily as the Crowes seem too, not to mention jam endlessly and rock out on a whim. You never know where they’ll go, what cover they’ll pull out on tour, or what b-side they’ll play for the superfans. The recordings from the record were all done in front of a live audience, who remained quiet until given a signal at the end of the song to applaud. It comes really close to replicating their live chemistry. This is their best album in years, melding together their southern, country roots with their blues and their rock n roll skill. Been a Long Time (Waiting On Love) is one of their very best tunes, working as a listenable, catchy song with an ultimate rock-jam ending they’re known for live.

3 Them Crooked Vultures - Them Crooked Vultures

As far as I’m concerned, Josh Homme can leave Queens of the Stone Age, Dave Grohl can leave Foo Fighters, and Jon Paul Jones can…well, still not be in Led Zeppelin anymore. This feels like an urgent, impromptu performance by three masters of the rock craft who got together and wrote songs for a week. Hell, that may be what actually happened. Who knows what stars in the universe aligned to bring such an accomplished trio together, but it’s magic. The track Reptiles sounds like vintage Zeppelin so much that it’s just scary. Even weirder is that Jimmy Page is nowhere near the song! This is a brilliant record, through and through. I’ve heard rumblings that they have tracks ready for a follow up. Keep those stars lined up.

2 Florence + The Machine - Lungs

It was a real challenge for me to pick between the top two for a numero uno, but I thought long and hard and decided that this was edged out in the end. This disc is amazing, fronted by a real voice. I’m speechless, really. That’s how their music hits me.

1 Depeche Mode - Sounds of the Universe

I made the prediction back in February that nothing could top this album for me. I was right. Start to finish, the entire album is a reinvention and a reminder at the exact same time. Sonically challenging, expertly paced and produced, and their best songwriting in ages. Before 2009 I never imagined I would have put Depeche Mode up as a favorite band of mine, but this disc did it. Buy it, listen to the whole damn thing in a dim room. Pony up for the special edition and listen in a surround sound mix for best results. Sonic genius.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Thrice - Beggars, Juliet Lewis - Terra Incognito, Crash Kings - Crash Kings, Daniel Merriweather - Love and War, Blakroc - Blakroc, NASA - The Spirit of Opollo, Adam Lambert - For Your Entertainment, Muse - The Resistance, Dizzee Rascal - Tongue N Cheek, Fever Ray - Fever Ray, The Enemy - Music For the People, Dredg - The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion, Hurt - Goodbye To the Machine, Marilyn Manson - The High End of Low, Alcoholic Faith Mission - 421 Wythe Avenue, Deer Tick - Born On Flag Day, Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster, As Tall As Lions - You Can’t Take it With You, Chris Garneau - El Radio, Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It’s Blitz!, The Queen Killing Kings - Tidal Eyes, Needtobreathe - The Outsiders, Elvis Perkins in Dearland - Elvis Perkins in Dreamland, The Asteroids Galaxy Tour - Fruit, Alphabeat - The Spell, Eskimo Joe - Inshalla, Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, Green Day - 21^st Century Breakdown, Pixie Lott - Turn It Up, Peter Bjorn and John - Living Things, Bon Iver - Blood Bank EP, The xx - XX, The Alternate Routes - A Sucker’s Dream, Bat For Lashes - Two Suns, Major Lazer - Guns Don't Kill People...Lazers Do, The Gossip - Music For Men, Asher Roth - Asleep in the Bread Aisle, David Gray - Draw the Line, Band of Skulls - Baby Darling Doll Face Honey, Bat For Lashes - Two Suns, Billy Boy On Poison - Drama Junkie Queen, 30 Seconds To Mars - This Is War, Peaches - I Feel Cream, Hockey - Mind Chaos, fun. - Aim and Ignite, Discovery - LP, Mammal - The Majority, Mudvayne - Mudvayne, Five Finger Death Punch - War Is the Answer, Poison the Well - The Tropic Rot, Jay-Z - The Blueprint 3, We Were Promised Jetpacks - These Four Walls, Melanie Fiona - The Bridge, Rammstein - Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da, Pink - Funhouse, Girls - Album, Mellowdrone - Angry Bear, MuteMath - Armistice, Kid Sister - Ultraviolet, Civil Twilight - Civil Twilight, The Bravery - Stir the Blood

2009 movies are being edited. It’s a comin‘.

-M

2010-01-18T00:30:00.000-08:00

MY FAVORITE 101 FILMS OF THE ‘00s

Long delayed, this list. I haven’t had the time to watch or rewatch all that I intended to from the years, but seeing as we‘re halfway through Janurary I think to little too late. I’m mildly content with how the top of the list stands today, at least until 30. In effort to get this posted rather than make it look appealing, I’m just gonna throw it up. I’m working on getting my 2009 lists looking nice and complete at the moment.

UPDATED 1/23:

Replaced a number of duplicate entries as I edited this rather poorly. I need to hire someone. Who will work for nothing. Anyway, I think it's complete now.

01 Oldboy (Oldeuboi)

02 The Piano Teacher (La pianiste)

03 Hedwig and the Angry Inch

04 The Squid and the Whale

05 The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Le scaphandre et le papillon)

06 The Shape of Things

07 Fat Girl (À ma soeur!)

08 The Beat My Heart Skipped (De battre mon coeur s'est arrêté)

09 Inside (À l'intérieur)

10 Rachel Getting Married

11 OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (OSS 117: Le Caire, nid d'espions)

12 Once

13 Bloody Sunday

14 A Bittersweet Life (Dalkomhan insaeng)

15 Inglourious Basterds

16 The Incredibles

17 Chopper

18 Murder on a Sunday Morning

19 Ip Man (Yip Man)

20 Love Exposure (Ai no mukidashi)

21 House of Sand and Fog

22 Mulholland Drive

23 Brick

24 The Bourne Supremacy

25 Half-Nelson

26 Grindhouse

27 Irreversible (Irréversible)

28 Children of Men

29 The Proposition

30 There Will Be Blood

31 Zodiac

32 Let the Right One In (Låt den rätte komma in)

33 Lady Vengeance (Chinjeolhan geumjassi)

34 The Descent

35 Cache

36 Tell No One (Ne le dis à personne)

37 No Country For Old Men

38 Dawn of the Dead

39 Up

40 Next Door (Naboer)

41 A History of Violence

42 Shaun of the Dead

43 X2 - X Men United

44 A Serious Man

45 A Tale of Two Sisters (Janghwa, Hongryeon)

46 Roger Dodger

47 United 93

48 All the Real Girls

49 Lord Of the Rings: Return of the King

50 Show Me Love (Fucking Åmål)

51 Eastern Promises

52 Grizzly Man

53 Chuck and Buck

54 The Moustache (La moustache)

55 Kill Bill (Volume 1 and 2)

56 Iron Man

57 Collateral

58 The Prestige

59 Ex Drummer

60 The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen)

61 Black Book (Zwartboek)

62 Doubt

63 Martyrs

64 Mysterious Skin

65 George Washington

66 Eden Lake

67 The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford

68 Towelhead

69 Mean Girls

70 The Host (Gwoemul)

71 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

72 Series 7: The Contenders

73 Anchorman

74 The Departed

75 The Mist

76 Fearless: The Director’s Cut (Huo Yuan Jia)

77 [rec]

78 Ratcatcher

79 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days (4 luni, 3 saptamâni si 2 zile)

80 Great World of Sound

81 Read My Lips (Sur mes lèvres)

82 Pan’s Labyrinth (El laberinto del fauno)

83 Dark Days

84 Happy Go Lucky

85 Closer

86 The Return (Vozvrashchenie)

87 Enduring Love

88 Dear Zachary

89 City of God (Cidade de Deus)

90 District 9

91 Standing in the Shadows of Motown

92 Altered

93 Murder Party

94 Morvern Callar

95 Observe and Report

96 Avatar

97 In the Loop

98 Gozu (Gokudô kyôfu dai-gekijô: Gozu)

99 The Bridge

100 28 Days Later

101 Team America: World Police

I'm FINALLY finished with that. Send those comments. 2009 lists (and mixes) hitting this week.

-M

2010-01-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

OH HOW I LOVE UNEXPECTED COVERS

I had to post this as I found it. I think it's fairly awesome. You may disagree. It's Lostprophets performing The Prodigy's kick ass Omen on BBC Radio 1's Live Lounge (which is where such odd covers are born). They're much more popular abroad than in the US shores, but they were an eye opener for me in the early 00's. Prophets long, long overdue new album The Betrayed, which hopes to erase the memories of their last emo-pop-experiment-abortion Liberation Transmission, is due in the UK on January 18th, and sometime in February in the US. Here is their questionable album cover...

...and now the actual cover of Omen...

http://www.lightningmp3.com/live/19808-Lostprophets_-_Omen.mp3

Back in a day or so.

-M

2010-01-01T22:55:00.000-08:00

MY 50 ALBUMS OF THE 00’s

As every single publication seems to be rounding up a list for the decade, I thought I might as well too. My friend Joe over at

Fin De Cinema

inspired, and subsequently posted my early lists already, and though the music portion just expanded and shifted, the film part should be quite altered by the time I get it up. Neither list will ever be “right” to me, but this is close to it. I’ve included a mix of the top 25 which includes a song from each album, either the strongest or my personal favorite. It’s too long for a CD, but I don’t care particularly. You could edit out the songs you don’t like, you tasteless prick!

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a121g50/n/2000s.rar

01 Portishead - Third

02 Kings of Leon - Youth and Young Manhood

03 Lupe Fiasco - The Cool

04 Radiohead - In Rainbows

05 Clipse - Lord Willin’

06 Muse - Origin of Symmetry

07 Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

08 Coldplay - X and Y

09 PJ Harvey - Uh Huh Her

10 Queens of the Stone Age - Rated R

11 Thrice - Vheissu

12 The Damnwells - Air Stereo

13 Kanye West - College Dropout

14 Espers - II

15 Sigur Ros - Takk

16 Louis XIV - The Best Little Secrets Are Kept

17 Doves - Lost Souls

18 Gnarls Barkley - The Odd Couple

19 The Strokes - Room On Fire

20 Iron and Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days

21 Ray Lamontagne - Trouble

22 The Roots - Rising Down

23 Interpol - Turn On the Bright Lights

24 The Darkness - Permission To Land

25 Depeche Mode - Sounds of the Universe

26 Ryan Adams - Cold Roses

27 Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

28 People in Planes - As Far As the Eye Can See

29 Ours - Distorted Lullabies

30 Stereophonics - Language Sex Violence Other

31 The Swell Season - The Swell Season

32 Feist - The Reminder

33 Jay-Z - The Blueprint 2

34 The Black Crowes - Lions

35 Gorillaz - Demon Days

36 Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

37 Lamb of God - Ashes of the Wake

38 Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago

39 Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters

40 The Prodigy - Always Outnumbered Never Outgunned

41 The Arcade Fire - Funeral

42 The Cool Kids - Bake Sale

43 Outkast - Speakerboxxx/The Love Below

44 Dr Dog - We All Belong

45 Junior Boys - Begone Dull Care

46 Wilco - Yankee Foxtrot Hotel

47 Placebo - Battle For the Sun

48 Slipknot - Volume 3 (The Subliminal Verses)

49 Ne-Yo - Because Of You

50 Depswa - Two Angels And A Dream

Back soon with more! Be sure to comment!

-M

2009-12-19T23:52:00.000-08:00

MIX AND MATCH - CHRISTMAS 2009 EDITION

Happy day! One week away! I’ve barely shopped, but who cares. The best gifts are on impulse at the last minute, right? Of course. And so, this is the quick, impulsive Christmas mix I’ve never dreamed of. ALL Christmas music, and you don’t get to see a playlist. Nope. Just get it. Excluded the classics, went for modern material only, culminating in two equally awful, though drastically different, performances. Enjoy.

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a121f67/n/XMAS.rar

Decade lists up next, then year end material. For reals. Feel free to express holiday joy.
-M

2009-12-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

MIX AND MATCH - TIMBALAND EDITION

I had, of course, planned this to land earlier. However times is tough, and I just got it together for an untimely release coinciding with a week after Timbaland Presents: Shock Value II came out. It’s a mixed bag with some real winners (The One I Love, Morning After Dark) some losers (joints with Katy Perry, Jet, and…fuck…Miley Cyrus) to some shockingly good tracks (songs with Daughtry and Nickelback’s Chad Kroger). One thing is always for sure: Timbaland is my favorite hip hop producer of all time. He’s not the same producer he once was, now boasting a team of production assistants that cause people to speculate just how much Timbaland is actually doing. On the best tracks, though, you can just hear that it’s Tim’s sound, an ever evolving drum database and funk- noise factory. There are plenty of tracks which TIm’s done which either never get the recognition they deserve, or never even see the light of day. I’ve compiled some of my favorites of which.

THE LINK

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a1h87hc/n/TIM.rar

01 Timbaland and Magoo - We At It Again

A Romeo Must Die soundtrack number in a rare uncensored version which sounds a bit sped up from the album version.

02 LL Cool J - Rub My Back

While Tim’s album he produced for big LL left a bit to be desired (okay, a lot), this song is undeniably hip.

03 Timbaland and Magoo - Baby Bubba (feat. Petey Pablo)

LOVE the funk guitar, beat is crazy, and Petey is the bomb.

04 Missy Elliott and Busta Rhymes - Get Contact

A soundtrack cut featuring the parties at the top of their game.

05 Bubba Sparxxx - Open Wide (feat Sabastian)

From Bubba’s debut Dark Days, Bright Nights and featuring Timbaland’s brother (whose album may actually come out one of these days.)

06 Dirtbag - Here We Go

Rare, unreleased cut.

07 Brandy - Who Is She To You (feat Usher)

An unreleased version from Brandy’s album with Timbaland. I think the song is great as is, but having Usher on the track creates a conversation between two angry parties, and it’s a scorcher.

08 Dirty Ken and Additude - Valet

From Timbaland’s rare, all original mixtape to promote Bubba Sparxxx’s sophomore album Deliverance. It’s got a lot of great tracks, but this one is my favorite.

09 Jacki-O - Slow Down

A (maybe) released effort with a female rapper that showcases Tim’s wicked sense of humor, from the Twilight Zone intro to the Tarzan call, and the “lemme feel that tushee” in the background. It’s edited, I once had an uncut version which I can no longer find.

10 Sincere - What

Unreleased gem.

11 Missy Elliott - Pump It Up (feat Nelly)

From Missy’s This Is Not A Test comes this, a song with a ridiculous beat.

12 Timbaland and Magoo - Considerate Brotha (feat Ludacris)

From Timbaland and Magoo’s 2001 album (Magoo being his squak-rasp voiced partner for over a decade), this track is a laid back, smooth ditty.

13 Twista - Who Am I

I have no idea how Twista does this. From Tim's Bio: From Tha Basement

14 Lloyd Banks - My House

From Llyod’s shelved 2001 album, this is the only track from it which received a single release. Fantastic beat. Lloyd’s a different story. It’s the best he’ll ever sound, I’ll say that.

15 Ric-A-Che - Lil’ Bro

Unreleased gem. Beat’s a lot better than the rapper.

16 James Fauntleroy - Abducted

An unreleased demo of mediocre sound quality from a famed songwriter who MAY be attempting to make his own material. This may actually be produced by Timbaland’s protégé Danja, but it‘s up in the air. I LOVE this song, I really hope it gets spruced up and released.

17 Tank - I Love Them Girls part 2 (feat Timbaland)

Tank’s a songwriter who’s worked with Jamie Foxx most famously, he also had (has?) a career of his own, and this Part 2 (or remix) has an awesome sound.

18 Nelly Furtado - Maneater (Extended Mix feat Lil Wayne)

A fan made mash of the original and the little heard Lil Wayne remix, it’s absolutely perfect. The remix is hot as hell, sampling Phillip Glass’ amazing Candyman score, and breaking out a crazy mix of drums.

19 The Rapture - No Sex For Ben

A weird mix for sure. Hipster meets future-funk. This made it to the soundtrack for Grand Theft Auto IV.

20 Timbaland - Laff At Em (Give It To Me Part II) (feat Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z)

This is the most recent thing on here, but I felt is little known enough to be included. It’s one of my faves, I think Jay-Z rides this beat like an absolute master, and he’s always interesting when paired up with Tim. Justin is a natural fit, of course.

Alright. Got a bunch of posts half finished for the site's FOURTH ANNIVERSARY. Keep checkin’ back, and comment if you enjoy.

-M

2009-12-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

MIX AND MATCH VOL. 7

Ready? Okay.

THE LINK:

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a1d1766/n/MIX_N_MATCH7.rar

Don’t be a “singles” fan, seek out these artists if you like what you hear, explore, and support them as you see fit.

This month (or so) is a MYSTERY list. It's actually just a good modern compilation which I've put together and haven't found time to expand on. Just get it. You'll like it. YES, YOU.

UPDATE: THE TRACKLIST:

01 OK GO - WTF? - Exactly.

02 Paper Tongues - Ride To California - Apparently managed by Randy Jackson.

03 Kid Sister - Right Hand Hi - Her album Ultraviolet is super.

04 The Bloody Beetroots - Awesome (feat. The Cool Kids) - Dance!!

05 Puscifer - The Mission (M is For Milla mix feat Milla Jovovich) - You had me at Milla.

06 Stereophonics - Stuck In A Rut - Best song from their new album.

07 Barton Fink - Paranormal Mechanism - Unknown band, but I like their album I stumbled onto.

08 Blakroc - What You Do To Me (feat Billy Danze, Jim Jones and Nicole Wray) - Black Keys + Hip Hop

09 Juke Kartel - Throw It Away - Runner up from that INXS singer search. It was for the best.

10 Twista - Problems (feat Tech N9ne) - Non-album track which should have made an album.

11 Elliot Minor - I Believe - Love those strings!

12 Citizen Cope - Lifeline - I pray his new disc will be as good as this preview. Just awesome.

13 Basement Jaxx - She’s No Good - The Jaxx stunned me this year with a really diverse set.

14 Adam Lambert - For Your Entertainment - Catchy, filthy pop which almost sounds like a rape threat.

15 Florence and the Machine - Halo - Out-Beyonce-d? I think so. You decide.

16 Damnwells - Untitled - Perhaps a new album demo which they begin recording next month.

17 Onerepublic - Everybody Loves Me - New album is predictably poor, but this song kicks.

18 Mama’s Gun - Finger On It - Funkkkkkk.

19 Timbaland - Carry Out (feat. Justin Timberlake) - They're back. Tim's back.

20 Lenny Kravitz - I’ll Be Waiting - Best thing he's done in over a decade.

21 The Avett Brothers - And It Spread - Indie "bluegrass" group has my heart.

-M

2009-10-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

MIX AND MATCH - HALLOWEEN 2009 EDITION +

I’m talkin’ film first, scroll down if you just want the mix.

Welcome. Y’all see Paranormal Activity yet? I thought it was refreshingly low key, eerie, spook horror. The difference between this and The Blair Witch Project, which I also quite enjoyed, is that this comes upon a different era. With technology today, audiences can see pretty much everything, so what better way to touch a nerve than to do it the old fashioned way – building tension, dragging suspense, suspending belief, and by making a hidden threat which could be anywhere at any time. What’s more important, I think, is that it kicked Saw VI’s ass (the lowest any of them have opened), thus proving that real people DON’T GIVE A SHIT about Saw films at Halloween, they just want something scary. Sorry, Lionsgate, competition will kill that increasingly baffling franchise’s hold on October. I have to highly recommend another few titles:

Assassination of a High School President is a high school noir-comedy that comes off like Brick with attitude. And Bruce Willis. And Micha Barton. And fantastic newcomer Reece Thompson. Sure, it’s got nothing appearing to be horror related, but it’s whip smart, raunchy, hilarious, and fantastic. That’s for every time of the year, folks. It’s completely better than you expect, trust me. The film got raves at Sundance last year, but was purchased by a company that folded soon after. At least Sony got it on DVD for people to discover, and I BEG you to do so.

Drag Me To Hell is scary. Funny, too. I’ve seen it three times, and it still gets me to jump occasionally, as well as laugh. It’s a total Blu-ray showcase, too, play it LOUD.

Trick r’ Treat is an interlinked anthology of Halloween stories written and directed by Mike Dougherty. It was unfairly manhandled by Warner Brothers, who could have had a great Halloween hit and franchise if they had released it opposite Saw V last year as planned. Instead? It gets dumped straight to video about two weeks ago. It’s constantly surprising and unpredictable, and is totally clever with how the stories relate to each other. CHECK IT OUT. It’s brilliant entertainment.

And Murder Party is a small budget horror-comedy from a few years back that’s garnering a cult following, which if you haven’t discovered should become a new Halloween annual viewing. If I can get just one person to discover it, I’m satisfied.

THE MIX

I’ve decided to do holiday theme mixes. So there. Really, what better (and easier) holiday to start with than Halloween? Horror is synonymous with METAL. There’s 80% of the mix right there. This probably isn’t for everyone, needless to say. HOWEVER, at least look at the sequential storytelling I’ve laid out. I organized the tracks not by sound, but by title. I stretched it a bit (okay, a lot) but see if you can follow.

THE LINK

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a066aa9/n/MIX_N_MATCH-HALLOWEEN09_rar

01 - Portishead - Scorn

He's angry with the world...

My favorite remix. Maybe ever.

02 - Children of Bodom - Tie My Rope

Can’t take it anymore...

Metal with a keytar! A KEYTAR!

03 - Queens of the Stone Age - Hangin’ Tree

Where he hung it...

Mark Lanegan really delivers one disturbing song.

04 - Gravediggaz - 1-800-Suicide

Please call...

From the amazingly titled album Niggamortis comes this 90s classic. Initially discovered during Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight when I was younger. I really respect the lyrical madness now.

05 - Ghost Machine - Headstone

Sitting above his head...

Singer’s currently in a band called Five Finger Death Punch, previously in a band called Motograter. All of this means nothing to you. I really love this intro.

06 - Mudvayne - Death Blooms

His body disintegrates...

A math-metal masterpiece.

07 - Genuflect - Devil Dance

They celebrate his torture...

Singer and guitarist from a nu-metal outfit called Reveille, who were better than their genre. This continues their sound but adds some much needed depth.

08 - Marilyn Manson - I Have To Look Up Just To See Hell (Alternate Version)

He falls deeper into the depths of the underworld...

I think acoustic Manson is far more interesting these days than heavy Manson these days. Thus, I prefer this alternate, stripped version.

09 - Pantera - Cowboys From Hell

They ride him back to earth...

One of my top metal favorites.

10 - The Agony Scene - Scars of Your Disease

He's disfigured...

Heavy, HEAVY, stuff. The band sounds like pure evil produced by the gods themselves. The band, oddly, look rather plain.

11 - Poison the Well - Crystal Lake

Is where he's moved...

Band doesn’t sound like this anymore. I like what they’ve become, but I love revisiting what they were, none better for me than this Friday the 13^th nod.

12 - Lamb of God - Contractor

His new job...

The only band to even come close to replicating the feeling I got when I first discovered Pantera. They’ve become progressively more mainstream in the metal world, but all for the better production values.

13 - American Head Charge - Americunt Evolving Into Useless Psychic Garbage

He goes insane...

Sadly, the band separated with their singer about two months back (though with plans to soldier on without him), and this was after the tragic death of one of their guitarists about two years before that. Astounding title aside, this song is guaranteed to get me amped. Loved this band for years.

14 - Brokencyde - Schitzo

His psyche breaks...

Crunkcore -- though likely not Christian this time around!!! I’ll probably be done with this genre rather quickly, but it’s oddly enjoyable in spurts. This song is scary, plain and simple.

15 - White Zombie - Grease Paint and Monkey Brains (Sin Centers of Suburbia Mix)

His diet...

Yessssss. Creepy ass remix. Takes away a bunch of the heaviness, but leaves the impact. Also, that moaning...what’s that about?

16 - Louis XIV - Stalker

Is what he turns into...

One of the all time creepiest songs. Ever. Sounds pleasant, almost like innocent infatuation...but listen to it. It’s not. At all.

17 - Tech N9ne feat Irv Da Phenom and Krizz Kaliko - Hunterish

He's very hunter-ish...

Some dizzying speed lyrically. Kansas City’s pride. He is incredible. His friends are pretty great too.

18 - Lupe Fiasco feat Sarah Green - Intruder Alert

He's inside the house...

Another extremely disturbing lyric, though I believe with the objective of being provocative and shedding light on something others would shy away from. Either way...yikes.

19 - Slipknot - Scream

Is what you'll do...

A b-side from their Rick Rubin sessions, which just happens to be one of my favorites of theirs.

20 - The Prodigy - Take Me To the Hospital

Because he put you there.

What better way to end than with this title? Awesome song, but I also work at a hospital! See?? And I’ll be there on Halloween to see all the freaks come out! Should be a blast.

Boo.

Comment. Have a good holiday.
-M

2009-10-21T15:43:00.000-07:00

MIX AND MATCH VOL. 6

Joyful joyful, we adore...me? I don’t want to assume that every time I post a mix, y’all bleed from the eyes in happiness...but don’t you? I mean, really, this is golden. I’m golden. My ears are receptors for what is GOOD. However, this mix is dubbed...

Something for everybody/Something for nobody

That’s what I’m writing on my CD, though I imagine you could write that about all of them so far. I burn all of these in hindsight, seeing how they flow (or don’t) and what songs I didn’t need to share. This one I’m listening to for pleasure, as I’m pretty sure it’ll flow from style and genre fairly well. Doesn’t mean it’ll be your style -- but trust me, it’s good.

THE LINK

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a0g5113/n/MIX_N_MATCH6_rar

Don’t forget to seek out the artists and support them if you enjoy the music as much as I do.

THE NOTES

1 Hockey - Learn To Lose

Funky disco rhythm, electro-garage feel. Totally awesome, and we’re starting off happy and fun, obviously.

2 fun. - All the Pretty Girls

Even happier! This is ELO. All the way. I’ve always liked ELO, so any band that’s giving a nod is alright with me. This is a joint between Nate Ruess from The Format and Jack Antonoff from Steel Train (also some guy from Anathallo). Bands you’ve likely not heard of, but who cares.

3 Discovery - I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend

Full on electro-fun now. Another joint product featuring members of Ra Ra Riot and Vampire Weekend, which are both great. This sounds nothing like either of their respective bands, but it’s so groovy.

4 Hot Leg - Cocktails

Hot Leg is showing up on another mix, mostly because I can’t get the song out of memory once I stumble on it again. This is The Darkness, obviously, and only this band could make a song with a chorus of "Cooooooock, CoOoOoOck - cock, cock, cocktails." Amazing. Justin Hawkins is fantastic, I don’t care what anyone thinks.

5 Dropping Daylight - Lucy

This band may be defunct now, as their album came out three years ago and I can’t find any current info. The singer/pianist Sebastian is really talented, and he ends up coming off like Ben Folds playing with a rock band. It’s better than I made that sound. His voice is a lot stronger than Ben’s, though not as unique. This is from their debut EP, as I think it’s a better recording than their album.

6 Lupe Fiasco - Fire

Okay, so the segway into hip-hop wasn’t so smooth, but this manages to rock too. I don’t know if anything is really memorable that Lupe is saying, but when the Hendrix beat is this strange and fantastic, who really cares? This isn’t a good single, but this is an absolute banger for the car. If there’s someone more pretentious and talented than Kanye West, it’s Lupe.

7 Drake - Forever (Feat Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and Eminem)

Now THIS is a GREAT single. Drake appears again, though this time he brought along some big heavyweights. Drake sounds awesome, Kanye’s verse is alright, Wayne’s is okay...but then Eminem comes along. This is a guy who doesn’t really do collabs on other peoples’ albums, but somehow it happened here, and it’s awesome. His flow is unique and against the beat, his rhymes are amazing, and one has to wonder where this stuff was on his OWN album. He turns the track up to another level entirely. Hear to believe.

8 T-Pain - Take Your Shirt Off

I don’t know if auto-tune is dead yet. There’s something about T-Pain, man. Dude’s grown on me, and I think it’s his sense of humor that’s started to win me over. When someone like Madonna uses auto-tune, I want to vomit into her mouth, but when Pain does it, it’s actually GOOD. It’s his style, not his crutch or his gimmick. Maybe he realized his influence on music became a gimmick, and decided to prove his talent by showing how much better he does it. Dude is talented, undeniably, even as a producer. Just listen.

9 Wale - Strings

Wale’s album is finally coming out after about two years of hype. There are a LOT of tracks out there, a bunch of great mixtapes. And the material I’m hearing from his album is, well, underwhelming. Maybe it’s because the guy devoted an entire mixtape to Seinfeld, but I’ve been dying to hear this thing for far too long. So, instead of one of those, I’ll give you one of my favorites from his early days.

10 Family Force 5 - Rip It Up

Maybe one of my favorite songs of the decade. It’s not much in the way of substance, but it’s a sound that I really connect with, and I think it’s amazingly produced. The group is – get this – a Christian crunkcore band. It’s taking pop and hip-hop music and...I dunno, singing and sometimes screaming? All with positive lyrics, too! I don’t really care if they’re a Christian band or not, they rock. This is a great segway into their tourmates...

11 Breathe Carolina - I Have To Go Return Some Videotapes

Wonderful title. Aside from that, the song’s pretty interesting too. More crunkcore! I’m not sure what to make of this, but I’m enjoying it for the time being.

12 Lovedrug - Fake Angels

We’re slowing it down here. Michael Shepard is one of my favorite singers today, however it’s from an album which feels inferior to their previous work. This song, however, is one of their finest. Go figure.

13 Manchester Orchestra - I’ve Got Friends

A buzz band at the moment, this song is good evidence. I’ve only skimmed the rest of their material thus far, but this song is alt-rock greatness. I’d assume they have to be good beyond this.

14 Psychostick - Scrotal Torment

Humorcore. Maybe the weirdest metal band I’ve heard. Their lyrics often involve having conversations between each other, occasionally they’ll just be a joke. Know what? They’re great musicians, too. They have two albums, both of which are hilarious. You’ve gotta be in the mood, though. They do a mean cover of The Hokey Pokey which you should track down. Hell, it’ll hit a mix soon.

15 Mudvayne - Beautiful and Strange

It’s not top quality, but I had to post it. They have a new album in December. I can’t understand why this band isn’t more popular than they are. They’ve got a following, but they’ve continually made good music, and each album sounds completely different. I don’t think anyone could hear the beginning of this track and not be impressed. Strange, beautiful. Heavy and melodic. Mudvayne.

16 White Lies - The Price of Love

Opening for Kings of Leon currently, and they really shook me playing live. Their album doesn’t quite hit the same magic, and it’s partially because of the production quality. Songs are great, though. I expect this UK band to progress greatly, and this song is my favorite on their debut album.

17 Mark Kozelek - Metropol 47

The lead singer for The Red House Painters (which I think is done) and Sun Kil Moon (which is great). Turn this up loud in your car. Let those acoustics surround you. Sink right on in. Best not when you’re sleepy.

18 The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition

This Austrailian group’s single is featured prominently in (500) Days of Summer (on DVD December 22nd), a really great movie and probably the biggest indie success of the summer. It’s great film music. This song has been on the UK top 40 for a while now, and I think it’s about time it started doing the same here.

19 David Cook - Permanent

Not the most popular American Idol alumn, but this song is extremely strong material, and he's impressed me. Great lyrics, and really minimal in terms of arrangement. His voice is stellar, more so on things where it’s the forefront, like this.

20 Joseph-Gordon Levitt - Live On the Moon

You know him. That actor. From (500) Days of Summer (GET IT on DVD December 22nd). He doesn’t have the best voice, but I really love this cover of a Sesame Street favorite from my childhood. Surprisingly, the song still works really well, even when not sung by Jim Henson. Unsure where this came from.

21 Mrs. Miller - Strangers in the Night

Dooby-dooby-doo. If you haven’t heard of Mrs. Miller before, you’re totally missing out on one of the great entertainers of...well, some time. I don’t know who she is, I don’t know where she came from, but I DO know that her warble is infamous. Play her for someone. Their laughter and befuddlement is quite enjoyable.

Comment. Love me.

-M

2009-09-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

MIX AND MATCH VOL. 4...and 5!!!!

I’ve been trying to get this compiled for SO long that I found enough tracks to slap together two volumes. Pop these into your burning program, and you have 160 minutes-ish of pure M. As always, comments welcomed and demanded.

THE MIX LINKS!

http://www.filefactory.com/file/ah66e06/n/MIX_N_MATCH_4_rar

http://www.filefactory.com/file/ah66f8d/n/MIX_N_MATCH_5_rar

Remember just scroll down to download with FileFactory basic for free, enter the security code, and viola. Burn, and enjoy. Don’t forget to track down the artists if you love the music like I do.

My notes for this mix:

01 Jib Kidder - Windowdipper

This is just a quirky sample-fest which is wonderfully mixed together. Way to start things off, me! Thanks, myself.

02 Florence and the Machine - Kiss With a Fist

Has there been a song this catchy all year? I’m not really sure. This is 2 minutes of bliss. It’s worth mentioning that this is a front runner for a top five album of the year. Just brilliant.

03 Jay-Z - Off that (Feat. Drake)

This is molten hot. DON’T SLEEP on this Jay-Z guy. This guy could be big. Timbaland has crafted another bomb track with my favorite of his collaborators. That hook? That’s Drake again. Drake is EVERYWHERE! Seriously! You’ll see him again on this mix! And the next one!

04 Mammal - Clear Enough?

This is intensity that turns into melody. This UK band recently got signed to minor-major label Bieler Brothers, and it sounds as if I’d enjoy them live. They don’t sound like Rage Against the Machine, but I feel some sort of similar air when I hear them.

05 We Were Promised Jetpacks - It’s Thunder and It’s Lightning

The name of this band always makes me smile for some reason, and I rather hate bands with cute names like this. Heavy buzz on these Scottish gents. You can hear why. The accent’s a bit thick for my taste, but the song works.

06 Spinnerette - All Babes Are Wolves

Queens of the Stone Age fans can be tided over with this female counterpart (which recruits once-members of Queens, oddly enough). Chick fuckin’ ROCKS, she’s the former frontwoman for The Distillers, who I never became a fan of. I may have to go back and listen again.

07 Melanie Fiona - Walk On By

Old school swagger, new school production. She’s really, really talented. AWESOME Motown sample which I can’t quite pick out. Temptations? Miracles? Anyway, her album is extremely good, and is released in the US this fall. It’s currently available in the UK.

08 Krizz Kaliko - Genius

Straight outta Kansas City! Represent, Missouri! This guy has a lot in common with fellow KC native Tech N9ne, but he’s got a style of his own. And while HE may not actually be a genius, the album is pretty solid, and this track is brilliantly produced. If rappers are going to use studio tricks and change their voices, they should take note and do it like this.

09 Depeche Mode - Come Back

Sounds of the Universe is holding as my favorite album of the year, and this track is the one that’s been in my mind lately. Seriously, this album is criminally underrated. This band has completely reinvented themselves while being instantly recognizable once that voice kicks in, and one listen to this track can tell you a lot. The disc is moody, dark, deep, and has a full, textured sound. It’s an album with substance and heart.

10 Collective Soul - Lighten Up

While Collective Soul haven’t exactly reinvented themselves with their new self-titled disc, they appear to have woken up from a really, really long coma. It’s got it’s flaws, but the album is chock full of the stuff that made them a 90s staple – sweet guitar licks, Ed’s unique voice in full force, and hooks galore.

11 Here We Go Magic - Ahab

Again, stupid name. I discovered Jetpacks and Magic when I accidently re-subscribed to eMusic. I know, how does this happen? But I took advantage and checked out some of their editor picks. This song is amazing.

12 Chipmunk - Diamond Ring

Can you ignore this? Not a chance. I initially found the track annoying, but then listened to it more closely. Big fan now. This is a UK ode to bragging about bling, which is kinda refreshing.

13 Diane Birch - Fire Escape

Neo-soul, folksy, wonderful voice. I don’t know if anything on the album is as good as this, but it’s great stuff.

14 The Damnwells - Soundtrack

One of my very, very favorite bands. I wish they’d get the recognition, as I doubt that fame would even remotely impact their talent. They have three albums and a bunch of digital EP tracks, and they’ve created a fantastic catalogue. Some of the best songwriting I’ve ever discovered, and the singer’s voice is mesmerizing.

15 Quarashi - No Frontin’ (feat. Opee and YKZ)

Icelandic rap! This band had two national albums, plus a few in their native country (where they were quite popular) before they recently disbanded. Beastie Boys + jazz + alternative rock. Not for everyone, but they can do it for me. This is a b-side from their final album that I just recently found, and it’s better than most of the stuff on there.

16 Pink - It’s All Your Fault

Sorry, Pink, it MIGHT be your fault too! It’s your fault that I like heart-on-sleeve-female-pop-rock, bitch. Another great song from her, I think her voice gets better with each album.

17 Ciara - Like a Surgeon

Ciara can operate on me anytime she’d like. Smooth and electric at the same time.

18 Jace Everett - Burn For You

So Bad Things is his theme from True Blood, which you can hear a different version of on each of the three albums he’s put out. The first two albums are a little more country-Chris Isaak, but this latest one is some awesome experimental shit.

19 The Dead Weather - Hang You From the Heavens

Jack White’s OTHER other side project, featuring a singer from The Kills. Love him or hate him, Jack sure can play, and he’s defined his own sound unlike any artist in recent memory.

20 Jet - Black Hearts (On Fire)

These Aussies are growing up a bit, and getting away from simple, 70s staple rock. That’s not totally apparent here, but their latest album sounds as influenced by The Clash as it does The Rolling Stones. This is a first listen favorite, though.

21 Left Side Brain - Colloblast

Just gnaw on that riff for a bit.

22 Drake - Best I Ever Had

Probably the dumbest chorus/hook you can imagine (you’d think it was will.i.am), but the rest of the song is so good that you can kinda overlook that. The radio edit of the song actually, oddly, sounds more natural.

and

01 Mellowdrone - Big Winner

I can’t even begin to describe Mellowdrone. Sonic waves appear out of nowhere when the chorus hits, and it’s hypnotic.

02 The Swell Season - In These Arms

If you aren’t totally pysched about Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova’s first album of all original material since their debut, get there. Their debut, and the albums from Glen’s band The Frames, both include songs that were reinterpreted for the Once soundtrack. This is the first track I’ve found from it, and it’s every bit as beautiful and memorable as what they’ve previously done

03 The Black Crowes - I Ain’t Hidin’

Southern rock meets disco? I’m not entirely sure how I really feel about this first single from the Crowes new double-disc set, but it’s sort of interesting in repeat listens.

04 Kings of Leon - Pistols of Fire (Mark Ronson remix)

Rather than pimp and milk the same shit from their extremely overrated recent disc, I’d much rather showcase this remix found on one of the singles from said album, this song having come from one of their amazing first two releases. It’s no mystery that I adore Ronson’s stuff, but to take a country-rock ditty and turn it into some sort of southern soul blast is just awesome.

05 Amanda Blank - Lemme Get Some (feat.Chuck Inglish)

This is a collaborator of Santigold, which is easy to hear. However, Amanda’s disc is just as genre expansive, and ultimately more dance-accessible than Santi’s. I love the beat for this.

06 Major Lazer - Hold the Line (feat. Mr.Lex and Santigold)

I figured I’d follow that with a track featuring Santi. You know, for symmetry. Major Lazer is OUT there, but I sure do like this song.

07 Mute Math - Backfire

If you’re not familiar with the band, I’d describe it as Sting fronting a modern band...like, if he were cryogenically frozen when The Police still rocked, and they woke him up today. If you can’t hear the Sting here, you’re deaf.

08 Ari Hest - Back End Driving

You know the pre-movie mix you can hear in the lobby and the bathroom at AMC? Maybe still in some theaters too. That’s where I heard a few bars of this, and had to loiter to find out who it was. I honestly haven’t even given the album a chance yet, but I knew within a few bars that this song was great.

09 Wiley - Off the Radar

Heavy accent, heavy beat, heavy cool. I don't think an artist like this could ever quite converge to America, but he's certainly trying.

10 Jessie James - Bullet

Is this really country music? Because if so, I’m not really sure what country music really is anymore. It’s twangy, but it’s sung and produced as a pop record.

11 Scott Matthew - Abandoned

I discovered this guy on the soundtrack for John Cameron Mitchell’s Shortbus, and his heavenly warble just enchanted me. It got me so much that I ponied up $30 to get a copy of his CD, which I believe still doesn’t have US distribution. I sold it back for most of the money, so it was no biggie, and it was worth it to discover that he had some other great tracks too.

12 Jordin Sparks - Let it Rain

The best criticism I hard for Jordin’s new album is that it’s pretty good, but I wish Kelly Clarkson were singing it. I couldn’t agree more with this. It doesn’t demean her talent in the least, she’s certainly got a voice, but she doesn’t have the right voice for THIS. Doesn’t mean the song isn’t good, though.

13 Gossip - Pop Goes the World

Rick Rubin puts his (once) great stamp on this modern disco group fronted by a 400 lb woman. Okay, she’s not that big, but she IS ugly, so that adds a few more pounds. I don’t think I like the CD, but I like this song a bunch.

14 The Rumble Strips - Running On Empty

Mark Ronson again. He produced this sophomore album from these UK gents. I found their CD really interesting at first listen, but in repetition wore out its welcome. This song hasn't, though.

15 St. Vincent - Actor Out Of Work

Another eMusic find which I ended up liking.

16 Jeremih - Birthday Sex

This song is so, so good. SO good. I don’t find a lot of love for modern RnB, but Jeremih (who can’t even spell Jeremy, the poor guy) has got something that the others don’t. Don’t know what. Song is smooth as silk.

17 David Gray - Fugitive

New album is coming soon, which is the first in...many years. This single doesn’t disappoint me for the wait.

18 Lissy Trullie - Ready For the Floor

This is a Hot Chip cover. I can’t stand Hot Chip, but I’m willing to admit that this is a good song when it’s interpreted by someone else on a piss poor soundtrack for a mediocre looking movie.

19 Juliette Lewis - Hard Lovin’ Woman

This was one of those DAAAAAAMN moments. I knew Juliet could sing, and I knew she fronted a "punk" band for a while, but I didn’t know she had THIS in her. This is some modern Janis Joplin shit. Ms. Lewis has soul! Who knew? Roadrunner records, apparently.

20 The Clipse - Eyes on Me (feat. Keri Hilson and Pharrell)

Once the hook kicks in, I’m sold on this song. The Clipse are one of the only good hip hop groups left, so I wish they’d hurry up and get this album out, lest we have to wait another four or five years like we did for the last one. It better be worth it like that one was, too.

21 Trey Songz - Successful (feat. Drake)

There’s Drake again! He’s going to have his own album one of these days, too. I believe this song may end up on both.

Th-th-th-th-th-th-that’s all, fucks! DOWNLOAD. BURN. COMMENT. I ain’t doin’ this for myself...okay, yes I am, but it’s ultimately for the pleasure of others. Which I enjoy. Just not as much as my own.

-M

2009-07-08T02:08:00.000-07:00

MIX AND MATCH VOL.3

If you don’t care about my babble, scroll down and you’ll find the download link to the mix, and my liner notes. Enjoy!

It’s been a long while, I know. For those who may oddly check this page frequently hoping for a new post, I can only say you may get lucky. You did this time! As for the time off, I’ve been settling into a new full-time hospital job for a month now, which is going fantastic. Before that I was laid off for three months, so this is a huge change. The reality of the situation is questioning what I want to do with myself. Stalled with college. Writing just isn’t a passion anymore, and I don’t know why that is. The film passion is still there (I’m starting to write for the awesome www.reviewstl.com), and my love for music is strong, but there isn’t love in my life to prompt me, I’m not especially glowing with happiness, and there isn’t a whole lot of sadness either. So what prompts me today is anger.

Ah, yes, anger. That age old pastime. This evening, coming off a grueling eight-hour shift, and only a block from my house, I was gay-harassed. Not gaybashed, but taunted for being gay because of my tunes. Which is strange, because gay isn’t a trait of mine. As I’ve matured, I see nothing wrong with homosexuality in the least, and far be it me to judge something of which I am not. That’s a joke, but ideally? Come on, it’s a wonderful idea. Anyway, I think we all have a little gay in us, liking something that culture says "is for chicks" or "is for dudes" when we are indeed the opposite. In this case, it’s a ditty from Peaches. Who knows what way Peaches swings, but she does it with filth. So I’m stopping at a red light, windows down, sunroof open, and it’s a lovely night. A car pulls up and I’m yelled at by a passenger, so I turn it down. He then speaks in what I assume was his attempt at retard, however he must have just seen Justin Bartha in Gigli, because this was just awful. At any rate, there are two girls in the front, two guys in the back (handjobs, likely) and the faux-tard told me they were having a pizza party at his house, with extra large sausage. This went on and on, I stopped listening. It was really, really lame. The driver leaned over and mouthed that she was sorry. I was too, honey, because associating with this type of person will only get you raped. The light changed, we parted ways. It was lovely.

Can we just not judge people? I know it’s not possible to completely turn that part of us off, but why can’t we DO that? These kids looked old enough to know better. I’m listing to a jammin’ pop tune, unwinding, and why should it be any concern of yours who the fuck I am, what the fuck I do, and what the fuck I’m listening to? Just having a little fun...FUCK THAT. I’m 28, I’ve grown out of this bullshit. I like boobs. A LOT. I also like vaginas. There is no protocol that says I can’t listen to Beyonce while enjoying those, and it’s of no concern except to the parties involved. A and B conversation, C you next Tuesday. I think my taste in music is just fucking wonderful. It’s a roadmap of the spectrum of sound. From gay-as-hell to heavy-as-hell, and all in-between. So to those bags-of-fuck in the back of that shitty Explorer, and their twat-hole girlfriends in the front, suck my cunt, eat a dick, and jam this mix up your fucking ass.

THE MIX LINK! http://www.filefactory.com/file/ahb8f2d/n/MIX_N_MATCH_3_rar

Pump it loud in the car, too. No classics this time, just new shit I love. My notes for this mix:

01 Peaches - Talk To Me (from the I Feel Cream LP)

The song that caused a ruckus tonight. Pop music is best when interpreted by someone as strange as Peaches. This is a surprisingly clean moment from her, and from her wailing question to the vibrating beat, this is a surefire win to get you bouncin’, no matter what sex you dig.

02 Band of Skulls - I Know What I Am (from the Baby Darling Doll Face Honey LP)

Appropriate? Sure thing. I DO know who I am, and perhaps if I had been pumping this track from a band that’s half White Stripes and half Franz Ferdinand, they would have kept quiet and assumed I was cooler. Well, I am cool, and therefore I love, love, LOVE this song. Stupid and catchy, giving me a little Ting Tings vibe.

03 Jay-Z - D.O.A. (Death of Autotune) (rom the upcoming Blueprint 3 LP)

Thank you, Jigga. If there’s one thing in pop music I really have had enough of, it’s the autotune. Or rather, the aggressive use of autotune. It’s not talent, and when you filter someone with vocal ability (like, say, Jamie Foxx or T-Pain) or someone who can flow (like Lil Wayne or Kanye West, who oddly enough produced this track), it often ends up sounding ridiculous. And if there’s one guy who can put the nail in it, it’s the world’s most prolific and enviable rapper. Amen.

04 Dredg - I Don’t Know (from The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion LP)

This band has been rather under the radar for a number of years (though not without a following), and with each release manages to move away from progressive rock and toward mainstream music. They’ve found a unique sound that is growing more and more accessible. With this song, or a track like Light Switch, they could break thru a bit more if given the chance. The chorus floats, the bridge soars, and the track gets better with each listen. They are exceptionally awesome live, bringing out instruments you’ve never seen before, and enthralling you.

05 Alphabeat - Fascination (from the This Is Alphabeat LP)

This UK import starts like a Footloose dance party, and jumps into a lovely duet with a bouncy piano and a hook that won’t leave your brain. Sadly, the rest of the album is just a bit too happy for me, but this track is amazing.

06 Phoenix - 1901 (from the Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix LP)

French gods. They’ve suddenly appeared on places like Saturday Night Live. WTF? To go from underground, indie music into...well, more of the same, and then to suddenly explode onto a show which gains them millions of virgin, potential fans is mind boggling. Probably for them, too. Though this doesn’t touch anything off of their second album for me, this song is as memorable and catchy as anything they’ve done before. Bravo.

07 Drake and Lykke Li - Little Bit (Remix) (from the So Far Gone mixtape)

What’s that? Who is Drake? Drake is awesome, that’s who he is. I know that didn’t answer your question, but it’s all that can be said. He sings, he raps, he likes indie music. He’s all around great, and he should be everywhere pretty soon with Best I Ever Had. And while that song’s pretty great, this one does it for me more. Lykke’s babydoll vocals mix so, so well with Drake’s low tone, and the result is a fantastic revision of a great song.

08 The Veronicas - Untouched (from the Hook Me Up LP)

More of that gay stuff I listen to. This is one of my favorite pop songs of last year, and now that the album’s been re-released, and this tune has sorta blown up, it may just be my favorite of this year as well.

09 Killswitch Engage - I Would Do Anything (from the self-titled LP)

Don’t like metal? Skip this one. I do in doses, and this song rocks.

10 Adam Lambert - A Change Is Gonna Come (from the iTunes American Idol tracks)

UH, GAY????? My favorite performance of Adam’s through the Idol season, and quite simply one amazing fucking vocal whether you get him or not. Oh, and the song’s pretty good, too. It’s kinda in the top five best soul songs of all time.

11 Dizzee Rascal - Dance With Me (from the upcoming LP)

If you can’t tell, he’s British. After a few years of rockin’ the UK, and getting some major critical acclaim across the pond here, it’s looking like Dizzee is making a play for our clubs and radiowaves. I’m not a clubber, but if DJ’s aren’t spinning the shit out of this, they better start. This is a fire waiting to ignite.

12 Daughtry - Poker Face (from some radio station somewhere, most likely)

Daughtry must be a HUGE fag. He listens to that Lady GaGa? She oozes gay! All kidding aside, who really could have guessed that annoying po-po-po song could actually sound kinda awesome sung acoustically by a guy? Even more baffling is that the most annoying parts of the song don’t sound anywhere near annoying here.

13 Green Day - Christian’s Inferno (from the 21^st Century Breakdown LP)

What initially sounded to me like "Christmas and Valium" is, in fact, something not at all that.. I think 21^st Century Breakdown is good, and Know Your Enemy is a great single, but it’s this song that reminded me of the band I grew up with.

14 Foals - Cassius (from the Antidotes LP)

Walking a fine line between annoying and addictive is kinda where Foals lives. I’ll admit freely that this may not be your cup of tea, and that’s cool, but this is speedy garage-indie, and it’s grown on me like a fungus.

15 Daniel Merriweather - Cigarettes (from the Love and War LP)

I quit smoking a few months shy of two years ago, and this song really makes me wish I still had it in me. Not really, the song isn’t about smoking, but it’s just a cool, sad track that makes me reminisce about things from the past. I heard this initially as a short demo, basically the same song here before it picks up. I think it’s a great addition by producer Mark Ronson, and I think Merriweather has one of the best and most unique voices I’ve yet heard. May their fame continue to grow.

16 The Dear Hunter - In Cauda Venenum (from the Act III: Life and Death LP)

What does that title mean? No clue. What I DO know is that this band is a recent discovery of mine who don’t really sound like anybody. Progressive, certainly, and this song in particular reminds me of when I used to enjoy The Mars Volta. It’s not for everybody, it’s theatrical, Spanish sounding, and chaotic, but it makes my brain stand to attention.

17 Ne-Yo - Part of the List (from the Year of the Gentleman LP)

For my money, Ne-Yo’s as close to a perfect R&B star as it gets today. His albums grow increasingly better, and his singles more outstanding. I like how this blends a bit of folk into the rhythm.

18 Paloma Faith - Stone Cold Sober (from the upcoming LP)

Have no idea where this came from, but I know she’s from the UK and this is 2009's Rehab.

19 P.O.S. - Let It Rattle (from the Never Better LP)

I like brainy hip-hop sometimes, and especially when it works the speakers like this one dows. It’s a slow builder, but it’s lyrically dynamic, and it really explodes.

20 Escala - Finding Beauty (from the self-titled LP)

This is one of the runner-ups from 2008's Britain’s Got Talent, an attractive quartet of violinists. Most of the songs on their debut album are covers of various songs, but this one didn’t sound familiar to me. This is the slowest thing on the mix, and what better way to end it than with a track as pretty as this.

Comment, let me know thoughts

-M

2009-05-02T13:35:00.001-07:00

REVIEW: X-MEN ORIGINS - WOLVERINE
This is gonna be blabby. Scroll down to the bold section of this if you just wanna read thoughts on the film and don’t give shits about my blah blah.

Howdy. Been a while, but I’m still here: "battling" unemployment, tackling boredom head-on (I’m pretty good at it), and spending time out of town (lovely Champagne, IL last weekend - Washington D.C. a week from today). Has summer begun? Absolutely. Summer isn’t what it once was – a rejoice of freedom from school for a few months, a wide open space of freedom where anything goes. I’m older now. Currently, for me, this would be about the time I would be handling finals (or more aptly, papers) as I’m taking time through college. But with a semester off (love those) and having recently been laid off (fuck you, Hollywood Video), I’ve got time for my very favorite thing: FILM. Lots of ‘em. I’m mostly in a re-watching mode; I’m revisiting old favorites and forgotten gems of which I’m unsure of feelings today. It’s what summer IS to me: it’s catch up time. BUT, this long winded intro is a way of saying I don’t really HAVE a start of summer. My calendar is based upon Hollywood. It’s May 1st (or 2nd by the time this is getting posted), it’s a Friday, and that means our first Summer blockbuster is upon us. How is it?

It should be prefaced that I think X-Men is okay, X2 is fantastic, and I really, really don’t like X-Men: The Last Stand, or X3, or whatever you’d like to call it. What was an okay first entry followed with the best thing comic book films have ever offered; X2 is a marriage of fantastic action, supreme effects, quality character development, compelling storylines, social commentary, and dynamic editing. To follow this up with X3 was, in my opinion, the prime example of a Hollywood fuck up. Studios often don’t really understand, or forget, what makes a successful film. To them, success is monetary gain. Understandable. To a film lover, however, we want exactly what X2 was – thought. That’s thought put in, and thought received, and thought provoked. X3 was eye candy, and millions of mutants, and underdeveloped everything. A wonderful example is the trilogy of Bourne films, which are inspired thrillers full of action that makes people flock to theaters, but holds their attention and their brain captive at the same time. This successful business model should be something highly desired, as the Bourne films are widely critically lauded and adored by filmgoers. Wolverine isn’t in the right mold. How do films this dumb actually reach production before SOMEONE decides that audiences should have more than just the explosions and the effects? This is a summer thrill ride, for sure, and it delivers for that. Those hunting for this, line up. I just wanted a bit more.

Wolverine manages to be often thrilling without any point involved. To thrill aimlessly is to shoot blanks – they make a bang to intimidate, but they’re ultimately pointless. That’s not to say that Wolverine isn’t entertaining, because it would be hard to imagine Hugh Jackman and this character which he so firmly owns ever actually doing anything less than thrill. If nothing else, he’s a marvel (ha!) to look at physically, and not just his build. The way he imposes and holds himself as this character is just perfection. For someone who spent his middle school years infatuated with all things X related, Jackman is a more perfect embodiment of Wolverine than I could have ever imagined. I remember there was a great deal of talk a while back when it was so heavily rumored that an X-Men film was getting underway with none other than Jack Nicholson as the leader of the pack. If you’ve seen Mike Nichols’ Wolf, you know this wasn’t such an awful idea. Regardless of what a brilliant actor Nicholson is, he couldn’t touch Jackman. And Jackman’s not the problem with Wolverine, unfortunately it’s just about everything else.

I’ll give them credit for finally managing to work in Gambit, who’s a real fan-favorite character, and actually having his presence make sense. Not just that, but Friday Night Lights’ Taylor Kitsch is perfect casting. That show is chock full to the fucking brim with talent, I tell you. Unfortunately, the one extraneous character that I actually enjoyed barely spends five minutes on screen, and we’re instead forced to endure an endless supply of fabricated and/or misunderstood mutants. There’s this needless idea to include characters specifically made up for the film universe which is absolutely pointless considering the endless supply of pre-existing mutants to introduce. There’s not been a more misaligned character in the X film universe than Deadpool however, which is honestly a waste, as the character acts as a deadly adversary who provides comic relief in the books. Here he’s rendered down to a brief monologue, one action sequence, and eventually he’s used as a device for poor writing by someone forgetting what the main conflict is and should remain. I understand that some of these extra moments are fun, such as Logan’s boxing match with The Blob, Deadpool’s money-shot-laden intro slaughter, and later reintroduction as an engineered killing machine (no matter how lame it is). These scenes are needless excuse for a little action to speed up a story which not only is going nowhere now, but maybe wasn’t going anywhere to begin with -- not to mention, again, sidelining the main conflict. I’d rather enjoy a small group of people with drawn out character and purpose than deal with what amounts to cameos, really. It’s screenwriting 101. And I can’t say that there’s any need for any of these people to be included in the first place. After all, we’re telling Wolverine’s story here, and even if we’re going by movie continuity, it doesn’t make any sense given what people we see involved. For some reason, Cyclops appears as a young child taken captive. Why him? No reason except that people know who he is, and we can’t just introduce any random faceless character made up entirely just for the film...oh wait.

Look, I’m not under any false impressions that my opinion matters any more than the next person, and lord knows the world laughs at an angry blogger. It boils down to this: there’s no reason this film should get a pass just for being entertaining. Get your mind off of the eye candy, and the love story you’re supposed to be falling into, and really see what Hollywood’s trying to pass onto us. This isn’t just a poor excuse for a quality un-controlled franchise entry, it’s just poor filmmaking. It’s an untested director who has no concept of how to pace, shoot, or edit a proper action film. It’s a shoddy script that speeds up where it should slow down – that half-assed love story can’t possibly fool anyone -- and brings in new faces when it should tell us a little bit about the old ones first. The first two films gave us time to learn or care about the characters, and that simply isn’t done here. If you care about these people it’s because you’ve been tricked into it. Come on, will.i.am, and that Asian version of Daredevil’s Bullseye? The editing doesn’t flow, usually in a case like where we’re supposed to believe there was a strong bond between Gambit and Logan, while we only really see them talk for less than a minute. Or the love between Logan and his mystery lover, cut short by disaster. Suspension of belief, I suppose. Oh, right...the effects often blow to make things worse. There’s an awful lot of obvious (bad) green screen work, and there’s a ladder chopping scene which looks about as convincing as something one could conjure up on a home computer using flash animation. Wolverine’s claws often look digital and occasionally don’t appear quite attached to his body...kinda like catching a football in Madden -- just not QUITE there. For every cool action moment there is an equally lame moment to offset it. And let’s not forget the ghost of Patrick Stewart. It might be a spoiler, sorry, but you’ll want to be aptly prepared for what appeared to be a completely CGI rendered version of Professor X, who’s more creepy than he is a welcome sight.

This is disjointed and full of random thoughts, but you hopefully get the skinny. It won’t take much for another summer film to top this for me. It’ll open big this week, but with Star Trek coming on the 7th, and some dismal reviews, I don’t think this’ll have the legs X3 did. I could be wrong, it wouldn’t be the first time. It's a crowd movie. I’m going to attempt to write about the big summer pieces I see within the weekend it arrives. I have virtually no excuse not to write. However, if you come here often, you know my attempts usually become failures. Wish me luck.

Anybody else catch it? Have thoughts? Comment below.
-M

2009-03-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

MIX AND MATCH VOL.2

If you missed volume 1, just scroll down to the bottom of this page and view older posts. It's the top post on the next page, and the link is still active!

So for this mix I’ve grasped at the most random of straws, trying to find the music I love which I believe other people should as well. I have really, really odd tastes in music all over the spectrum, and while I wish there were other people identical to me, I realize that ain’t happenin’. Thus, I’ve decided to edit things down to the things I think, for one reason or another, is great, underappreciated stuff. It may not all go together or flow, but I’ve discovered that an alphabetical playlist creates for a mix that almost always remains interesting.

Here she be:
http://www.filefactory.com/file/af77b7g/n/Mix_2_rar

Remember just scroll down to download with FileFactory basic for free, enter the security code, and viola. Burn, and enjoy. Don’t forget to track down the artists if you love the music like I do. Comments appreciated.

My notes for this mix:
Atlas Sound - Quarantined (from the Let the Blind Lead Those Who Can See But Cannot Feel LP)
Was just led to discover these guys by my friend Joe, and on first listen this one stood way out to me. Have no idea how to describe this sound, but it’s great.
Blue Roses - Doubtful Comforts (from the Blue Roses EP)
I instantly wanted to hear more from Blue Roses after I found this track on an XL records 2008-2009 music sampler. Doesn’t disappoint. Let’s see if you want to do the same. Lullaby, anybody? This should probably go at the END of the mix, but I’m not complaining.
Does it Offend You, Yeah? - Attack of the 60 ft Lesbian Octopus (from the You Have No Idea What You’re Getting Yourself Into LP)
I thought in honor of Dreamworks’ Monsters Vs Aliens 3D opening today, this would be a fitting entry. Sure, I doubt that there’s a 60 ft lesbian octopus in the film, but talk about a song with a perfect title. This sound like a keyboard being attacked in a 60s sci-fi B-movie. Dance that ass off.
Espers - Riding (from the Espers LP)
Does ANYBODY else know about Espers but myself? I love it when you find something nobody’s heard of and it feels like your own little private recording artist. At the same time, I wish in certain situations (like this one) where I wish I wasn’t the ONLY one. They’ve got three albums that are beautiful, haunting, and expertly made.
Etta James - Something’s Got a Hold on Me (from the Gold Collection LP)
Amazing soul, and I’d rather remember Etta more fondly for tracks like this. She’s not dead yet, but...y’know...I’ll remember her this way.
Freddie King - Going Down (from the King of the Blues LP)
The theme to HBO’s hilarious Eastbound and Down, which is the perfect theme for the tone of the show. If you don’t know who Danny McBride is yet, there is no better showcase to get you in love than this one. Oh, and Freddie’s a blues master here.
Johnny Cash - When the Man Comes Around (from the American IV LP)
One of the last great Cash tracks.
K’nann - America (feat. Mos Def and Chali 2NA) (from the Trubador LP)
One of hip hop’s newest emerging talents. It’s a weird one, but it’s got Chali on it (whom I met briefly) and it’s got a wicked beat.
Lady Sovereign - So Human (from the Jigsaw LP)
This UK import is a feisty little white rapper, and on her new disc she tries for some more pop friendly endeavors like this one right here. Try to get the chorus out of your head.
Metric - Help I’m Alive (from the Fantasies LP)
A group that’s been around for a while (and under my radar). This opening track on their new disc is a stunner.
Michael McDonald - I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near) (from the Ultimate Collection LP)
Yep.
N.A.S.A. - Way Down (feat. RZA, Barbie and John Frusciante) (from The Spirit of Apollo LP)
This album is easily one of my favorites of 2009 thus far. This collection from two DJ/producers took years to assemble, and boasts some of the oddest collaborators (Kool Keith and Tom Waits, anyone?) ever assembled in one place. I adore this song.
Ol’Dirty Bastard - Lift Ya Skirt (feat. Missy Elliott) (from the A Son Unique LP)
R.I.P., ODB. Mark Ronson drives this piano based come on. Classic.
Otis Redding - These Arms of Mine (from The Definitive Collection LP)
I think, maybe, my favorite love song of all time, and absolutely one of Otis’ best tracks by a mile. Seriously, try to find me a song more romantic and sincere than this one.
Peter Bjorn and John - Nothing to Worry About (from the Living Things LP)
After an instrumental experiment last year, these Swedes have returned with some more catchy tunes, and none more so than this bouncy pop ditty.
Prince - Black Sweat (from the 3121 LP)
With his new 3-disc set arriving as a Target exclusive next Tuesday, I thought I’d like to remind everyone of the best thing Prince has done since Pussy Control. I guarantee it’s better than any of his new stuff will be.
Rusty Truck - Fool (from the Luck’s Changing LP)
I discovered this group (or this guy) as the closing music for an episode of HBO’s True Blood, and hunted high and low to find out what it was. Not quite country, but certainly twinged with a bit of southern comfort, and every track is memorable. This ballad is among my favorites.
Teriyaki Boyz - Zock On! (feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes) (from the Serious Japanese LP)
Japanese rap trio mix it up with the space age producer and one of the greatest MC’s. Out there, but it’s infectious.
The Black Ghosts - Some Way Through This (from The Black Ghosts LP)
I don’t even know how to classify this music, but it’s awesome. Alternative, for sure.
The Prodigy - Run With the Wolves (from the Invaders Must Die! LP)
The electronic 90s dance-masters come with a fury on this cut from their modern throwback album.
Tom Waits - Make It Rain (from the Real Gone LP)
One of his finest moments.

That’s all. See you soon. Be sure to comment.
-M

2009-02-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

BRIEF OSCAR REACTIONS

Well, 18 for 24 is decent. I think that's better than last year. Congrats to Fox Searchlight and Slumdog Millionaire, a pleasant and enjoyable (but overrated) feel-good-film. It was clearly the big winner of the night. However, I felt Dustin Lance Black and Sean Penn's powerful, heartfelt speeches really touched me and overshadowed all the other winners. The whole show was at times marginally better than in the past few years, thanks in major part to Hugh Jackman. That middle homage to the musical was a bit lacking, but the opening number was at first disarmingly odd, and then morphed into a rather amusing number, especially the bit about not having seen The Reader set to a robotic choreographed jig. That was a perfect rub to Harvy Weinstein for standing behind such a shitty piece of work so strongly, forcing screenings down everyone's throat in the past few weeks. Such a shameless, shameless Oscar baiter, even to go to the lengths to rush a production and force a producer off of the project in order to have it ready in time. I don't think any time in the world could save The Reader (maybe time to reshoot the whole thing with a new script), but I don't believe in rushing to meet a deadline that doesn't exist. At any rate, at least Kate Winslet finally nabbed an Oscar for countless other roles more deserving, as the Oscars usually drop an award on the wrong thing just to honor a career (hi, Alan Alda). I also rather enjoed the comedic bits between Steve Martin and Tina Fey, and the Pineapple Express boys with Janusz Kaminski (who shot Judd Apatow's upcoming Funny People).

It was a mostly shockless set of awards. The best actor race was so tight that I wouldn't have been surprised either way it fell, and all the major awards were as predicted otherwise. The main exception was the foreign film catagory with Japan's Departures, which surprisingly upset the two major favorites to swoop in and take t he win. It's not totally unheard of, though, as often the foreign favorite ends up being overshadowed by a film nobody in the media or the public has gotten a chance to see yet (and hopefully the Academy voters have). Pixar lost their short award for the hilarious and clever Presto, which was a light shocker. On the technical side of things, I never can quite get the sound awards right. Shame. The Duchess further proved that if you make a period costume drama, you're guaranteed an Oscar. Every time. The visual effects award was worthy for Benjamin Button, however the makeup award is completely off base. The only special makeup seen in that film is during that limbo period where Brad's not quite Brad, he's slightly aged, everything else in there is CGI. The line was aptly blurred for viewers, but in no way was it more impressive than the incredible creatures in Hellboy II. Alright, enough from me, I'll be back soon.
-M

2009-02-20T01:41:00.001-08:00

THE BEST FILMS OF 2008
As if you care anymore. But maybe you do, or maybe you’re curious, and for continuity’s sake, and for my own reasons, I had to get this up. What held it up so long was this little list of about ten films which I wanted to either rewatch, or watch for the first time, which I believe had a chance at making the list. That mostly didn’t happen, for whatever reason. But I saw enough great movies in 2008, and it was really tough as it is to narrow down the list, so I didn’t really need to make it tougher after all. And so...the top twenty of 2008.

20 The Wrestler (2008, dir. Darren Aronofsky, US)

An oustanding performance from Mickey Rourke, a solid performance from Marisa Tomei, and a really average film. Mickey Rourke sold it for me, though, regardless of how I felt about the rest.

19 The Dark Knight (2008, dir. Christopher Nolan, US)

A really solid take on Batman, much more so than Christopher Nolan’s previous take. Not without its flaws, it still has one of the all time great villain performances at its credit, and the big action sequences are outstanding (the small ones not so much). It’s a great achievement, though, to craft a film that’s so wildly popular AND critically lauded.

18 Wendy and Lucy (2008, dir Kelly Reichardt, US)

Michelle Williams anchors this quiet, somber, slow story that spekas as much about the state of America as it does to sentimentality. I mean that in the nicest of ways. The film is practically without a story, but Williams is so mesmerizing and Kelly Reichardt captures so much genuine about her that it stands up to the fact that it’s slow (though never boring).

17 Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008, dir. Guillermo del Toro, US/GER)

Del Toro trumps himself tremendously with this sequel to the good-but-lacking original Hellboy. Full of dazzling sets, pracitcal effects and makeup, and some really smooth CGI...oh, and it’s got a good story. And great characters, and a fantastic ending. I loved it.

16 Young @ Heart (2007, dir. Stephen Walker, UK)

Midway through the year, I posted on this blog that this was my favorite film of the year. What a difference six months can make, but don’t let that lead you to believe that I lost any respect for Young @ Heart. It is the most rewatchable documentary I’ve laid eyes on, it moves at a perfect speed, and it deals with age in a way that is both funny and moving, and not in a cloying sort of fashion like Cocoon or something. Many of these people are just characters, and they really come to life through the picture, culminating in their big performance at the end which leaves you smiling and a bit misty at the same time.

15 Towelhead (2008, dir. Alan Ball, US)

Discomfort is the name of the game with Alan Ball’s film directing debut, a coming of age film that deals with rape, racism, classism, and sexism, and does it all with a great sense of humor, and uneasiness. I love feeling uneasy watching a film, although I can assume that some wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much as I do. To me, that feeling coming from a film makes me believe that I have a fear of the unknown, or a fear of what COULD happen at any moment. Towelhead is chock full of these bits. The only reason it isn’t higher is because I saw it so recently that it hasn’t trumped some of these other films.

14 Happy-Go-Lucky (2008, dir. Mike Leigh, UK)

I’ll refer to what I wrote on my buddy Patrick Walsh’s blog over at http://www.patrickwalsh.blog-city.com as I believe it’s an accurate take on what I felt after I had just seen it.
"As for Happy Go Lucky, I adored it. I've decided I have a real attraction to the painfully unwatchable characters, and Poppy came off to me as if she were David Brent's sister. She does the same thing Ricky Gervais does so fucking well [on The BBC Office] in that she's so oblivious to the outside world, but interacts with it as if she does. She's easily loathsome, and the reason she's so happy and why we hate her is that life ISN'T happy. It sure can be, it sure has its moments of bliss, but there's the balance to it that Poppy doesn't seem to be initially aware of. I think her relationship with the driving instructor [Eddie Marsan], her polar opposite, is really interesting to take in, in afterthought especially."
It’s a fascinating film, and it’s one I can’t wait to see again.

13 The Visitor (2008, dir. Thomas McCarthy, US)

This was the year of Richard Jenkins for me. He owned his role in Step Brothers, he played a dim-witted role in Burn After Reading, and he did his finest career work in The Visitor, a real sleeper of a film which has gotten a great deal of word-of-mouth as of late. In another year, and with a better studio, he could really have gotten a shot at winning an Oscar for a full career of great, thankless character acting parts. He’s got a great comedic tone which he doesn’t get to flex as much here, rather he plays it very straight and very believable in the moral quandary of finding a family of emigrants living in his apartment. What would you exactly do? The film explores it, then slaps you over the head with the reality of the situation. It’s tough, and it ends very somber and sad. It’s a great film.

12 Let the Right One In (2008, dir.Thomas Alfredson, SWE)

Vampire movies are few and far between worth watching for me. It’s truly noteworthy that this one is unlike any other. It’s mostly a drama, a love story between two young kids (sorta) one of which happens to be one who feeds off of blood. It’s touching, and sweet, and odd, and suspenseful. It’s not the best thing I saw in 2008, but it sure is good, and it’ll sure be better than the American remake coming by 2010.

11 Frost/Nixon (2008, dir. Ron Howard, US/UK/FRA)

A real performance movie. Two fantastic ones shine here, one being Frank Langella’s brilliant take on Nixon (whom he doesn’t resemble, but subsequently owns), and the other being Michael Sheen as David Frost, who hasn’t garnered nearly the attention, but is equally as solid. The film which will go Oscar-less in a tough year, which is a real shame because it’s so good.

10 Iron Man (2008, dir. Jon Favreau, US)

Sorry, Dark Knight, this was my superhero film of the year. After two views, I’ve yet to find myself noticing any shortcomings to which I wish they would amend with the sequel. More action, I suppose, is the main complaint everyone comes up with, but with what action is here it delivers in spades. The acting is great, the direction strong, the humor is on point, and it’s oh so much fun. Not a bad word.

9 Milk (2008, dir. Gus Van Sant, US)

I’m not a big Sean Penn supporter. I’ve found myself occasionally gravitating towards him, and have enjoyed his turns in things like Carlito’s Way and State of Grace, but he’s usually the guy I bring up as the example of a psychotic method actor, who I could see actually having part of his brain removed for that role in I Am Sam. But the Penn that showed up for Milk, and the film itself, is really remarkable. He brings Harvey Milk to life on the screen in such a big way, you’d think he went gay just for the role (and he might have, we don’t know). It’s about the life and legacy of the first big supporter of the gay rights movement, and he was beloved by so many only to be stolen from life by a very disturbed man. I love how the film focuses on Milk, and his movement, and his importance, and his love, and his passion, all before any foreshadowing of his fate is even hinted at. Dustin Lance Black’s script, which many had tried and failed to write before him, is maybe a bit abridged, and maybe a little underdeveloped at times, but is a perfect blend of politics and humanity, and Penn brought it all to life with the help of Gus Van Sant. I’m always torn on Van Sant, but felt this was the perfect blend of avant garde Gus and commercially sensible Gus, so as not to turn anyone away completely. It’s great.

8 The Brothers Bloom (2008, dir. Rian Johnson, US)

Who knew that I’d get to see this at the St.Louis International Film Fest, and that seldom few would get the chance to catch it until May or June of 2009? As I don’t think it was technically eligible for the 2008 Oscars, I sincerely hope it wasn’t just overlooked as it wasn’t seen. Rian Johnson’s follow up to the fantastic 2006 neo-noir Brick follows two brothers who are grifters, one of which is reluctant and the other of which sets his brother up into one last job. It sounds trite, but I think it’s perfect. There’s a bit of a tonal shift in here that may upset some people, but it didn’t seem to affect the crowd I saw it with. It’s a real crowd pleaser of a film, very funny, and Babel’s Rinko Kikuchi steals every wordless scene she shows up in as their silent partner. Likewise with Rachel Weisz, who completely owns her loopy role as a rich mark who is so bored with her life that she collects hobbies (whatever that means...it makes sense when you see it). Although it sure owes a bunch to Wes Anderson’s look and feel, it never feels as fabricated and strange as Anderson’s concoctions do, but it works on that same surreal plane. It’s beautifully shot and edited, too. I adored this movie, and I urge you to see it when it’s dumped as counter programming to something much bigger in the heat of the summer. Maybe if it had gay teen vampires, Summit would support it a little better.

7 Dear Zachary: A Letter To a Son About His Father (2008, dir. Kurt Kuenne, US)

The best documentary I saw in 2008, and one of the best I’ve ever seen. Any words I come up with won’t do it justice. It’s infuriating, and touching, and electric. It’s completely unique, and it’s brilliant. Out on the 24th of February, so don’t sleep on it.

6 4 Months 3 Weeks 2 Days (2007, dir. Cristian Mungiu, ROM)

Films about abortion are few and far between, and it’s no easier to handle here than it is anywhere else. Romania is the backdrop for the story of two young women who set out to illegally obtain an abortion for one of them in the late 80s, where it is highly illegal. The morality of the issue aside, this is a tense, taut, and gripping story dealing with not the choice of right and wrong, but how the wrong is dealt with when in terms of society, and how they set up the situation. It’s really, really strong filmmaking, and it’s something I’m not sure I’ll get the itch to watch again in the near future because it’s just so tough. That’s truly a compliment.

5 Inside (2007, dir. Aledandre Bustillo and Julien Maury, FRA)

Home invasion is a helluva thing. It’s probably one of the great fears of the world, to be unsafe in the place you feel the most secure. And so I have a bit of a soft spot for the genre, which can always evoke a chill and some tension – anyone remember the amazing Tales From the Crypt episode when that psycho dressed as Santa terrorized that lady? So when the Euro-horror genre comes to play with home invasion, as it did with 2006's Haute Tension, then you know it’s going to mean business. Inside is the scariest and most intense viewing experience I’ve had since I saw The Descent, and I can’t even recall before that what had effected me so. A young pregnant woman is home alone and late at night is awoken by a strange woman wanting to come inside. She makes it in eventually, and all hell breaks loose. Literally. Packed full of two outstanding, mostly wordless performances, copious blood and gore, and some dazzling lighting and camera work, this is the most memorable horror film of 2008 (even though it was released everywhere else a year before), and one of my personal favorites.

4 Tell No One (2006, dir. Guillaume Canet, FRA)

If you like mysteries -- and I’m talking head spinning, all attention paid, and every moment and clue pays off – then I urge you to look no further than this boggling French tale, packed full of so many twists and turns that you’re liable to get lost, only to find yourself miraculously understanding what’s happening somehow the next minute. It all begins when a man’s wife is mysteriously murdered while on vacation, and years later is discovered to not be so dead after all. To say too much would be to ruin the excitement of viewing. It comes out on DVD in March, and in all honesty I can’t even remember what happens enough to try to summarize it, so I can’t wait to watch it again. It’s phenomenal, and I urge you to seek it out.

3 In Bruges (2008, dir. Martin McDonaugh, UK/US)

Even in the most bleak and dingy situations, it’s nice to know someone can make you laugh. And thus is the tone for most of the fantastic script for In Bruges, a dark as night comedy about two hitmen sent to Bruges, Belgium after a horrible mistake is made by one of them. And Bruges, a run down, dingy, dreary tourist spot with nothing to do but sit and wait to die, is the perfect backdrop for all of the goings on. Colin Ferrel, Brendan Gleeson, and Ralph Fiennes all give tremendous performances as two men who await their fate, and one very angry, very hostile superior. One of the best endings of all time, in my opinion, and some truly wonderful dialogue to get it there.

2 Rachel Getting Married (2008, Johnathan Demme, US)

Demme’s best since Silence of the Lambs (and better than that). As films that divide people go, Rachel’s probably up there in the ranks for 2008. People looking for a linear experience were met with the opposite, and people searching for a touching performance movie were a bit let down by how serious, tough, uncomfortable, and unsentimental things got. Love it or hate it stuff, and Anne Hathaway’s character is a love it or hate it kinda person. The performance is annoying, sure, but the character never feels one bit unauthentic or "acted" to me. And I love how the film bobbed around and spent time on the little things – the clips of the rehearsal dinner, the extended bits of the reception, the strange ritual of the wedding itself, the AA meetings – and how Demme focuses on character reactions, interactions, and character as a whole, as opposed to sensationalizing the marriage experience and the awkwardness therein. It’s not that movie. It’s tough to watch as some of the relationships feel like reality, like this lost, broken, damaged family forced to unite. It’s unique, it’s bold, and it’s stuck out in my mind since I saw it a long while back. It ends on a perfect note, completely ambivilent and unresolved, that just warms me up. It’s brilliant, whether you think so or not.

1 Doubt (2008, dir. John Patrick Shanley, US)

Almost a complete tie between Rachel and Doubt, but there’s something about the complexity of what’s said, and also what’s left unsaid, that made Doubt stand out for me in a big way. It’s uniformly well acted by the entire cast, and it’s gripping throughout even with its meticulous, slow pace. And I felt myself tremendously entertained by the face off between all the players. Be it between Amy Adam’s meek spirit and Meryl Streep’s boisterous, pushy, loud lack thereof, or Philip Seymour Hoffman’s timid and assured tone with Meryl’s accusitory, mean one. It’s of special note that Viola Davis’ one scene in the film, which runs for about ten minutes, was the highlight of the whole thing for me. She does what most actors hope to do in an entire film in a fraction of the time; she’s memorable, she’s powerful, and she’s believable (even when what she’s saying is the opposite of believable). It’s probably a tough watch for people without thick skin to deal with the subject matter, which handles the catholic molestation ordeal without any hesitation or remorse. It’s up to you to decide which side of the coin you end up on. Some people probably won’t like that, but I don’t like film, generally, that walks you through the whole thing, tells you what to feel, tells you when to react, etc. Doubt doesn’t do this, rather it explains both sides of the argument to you fully and lets you decide on if the outcome is correct or not. It’s a brilliant script, and while it’s not a flashy movie in the least,, adapting it to the screen allows for more depth in character, more subtlety, and I feel would resonate with me more than if I saw it on stage. Perhaps I’m just not a stage minded guy, I’m a film geek. And for a true film fanatic, this gives you something to chew on. It forced me to go over the details in my head to try to decide on guilt and innocence, and what it means in terms of all of the characters within the story. Isn’t that what it’s all about, to provoke thought, discussion, and stimulate, AND entertain? For me, it is. It’s a crime this didn’t get a nod for best picture.

JUST MISSED:

OSS 117:Cairo, Nest of Spies

Hilarious French farce with a lead that plays like the offspring of Inspector Cluseau and Frank Drebben. Just didn’t make it.

Man on Wire

Incredible documentary that hasn’t resonated with me as much as I thought it would. Still fantastic and fascinating, though.

Cadillac Records

A biopic of Chess records and its artists which is surprisingly good, boasting a great showing by Beyonce, with some stellar chemistry provided by Adrien Brody. Just didn’t make it.

Vicky Christina Barcelona

A good Woody Allen movie for the first time in...well, a long time. I was charmed completely by Rebecca Hall, but felt horribly annoyed by Penelope Cruz, whom I normally like, and who’s catching all the praise here.

Wall-E

Totally beautiful, and totally moving for a bunch of robots, but it sure did fall a bit short with the human story.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The Fall, Billy The Kid, Tropic Thunder, In Search of a Midnight Kiss, Midnight Meat Train, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, Step Brothers, Finding Amanda, The Babysitters, Married Life, Snow Angels, Surveillance, Go Go Tales, JCVD, Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day, Chocolate, The Signal, Encounters at the End of the World, Slumdog Millionaire, Boy A, Wanted, Taken, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, Pineapple Express, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Foot Fist Way

DIDN’T CATCH YET:
Reprise, The Good The Bad The Weird, The Last Mistress, The Edge Of Heaven, Up The Yangzee, Timecrimes, A Christmas Tale, Mad Detective, Elite Squad

And that’s all. Comment, spread love, tell a friend, and see you soon.
-M

2009-02-19T15:51:00.000-08:00

OSCAR PICS 2009

Short and sweet here. I give my pick on top, then my "or" alternate in case of an upset. I stand by the first pick on just about everything, however, but at least I can say I sorta guessed if my top pick is wrong. Which it won't be. Because I rule.

BEST PICTURE

Slumdog Millionaire

Milk

BEST DIRECTOR

Danny Boyle

Gus Van Sant

BEST ACTOR

Sean Penn

Mickey Rourke

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Heath Ledger

ha...yeah, right...okay, Josh Brolin

BEST ACTRESS

Kate Winslet

Meryl Streep

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Penelope Cruz

Amy Adams

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

Wall-E

um...not a chance...but Kung Fu Panda

ART DIRECTION

The Dark Knight

The Duchess

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Anthony Dodd Mantle, Slumdog Millionaire

Claudio Miranda, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

COSTUME DESIGN

Michael O'Connor, The Duchess

Catherine Martin, Austrailia

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

Man on Wire

Trouble the Water

DOCUMENTARY SHORT (crap shoot)

The Witness - From the Balcony of Room 306

Smile Pinki (simply because I like the title)

FILM EDITING

Chris Dickens, Slumdog Millionaire

Lee Smith, The Dark Knight

FOREIGN LANGUAGE (tough call)

Waltz with Bashir

The Class

MAKEUP

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (unworthy, all digital)

Hellboy 2 (deserving, all practical)

MUSICAL SCORE

A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire

Danny Elfman, Milk

ORIGINAL SONG (the battle of two)

A.R. Rahman - Jai Ho, Slumdog Millionaire

A.R. Rahman and MIA - O Saya, Slumdog Millionaire

SHORT ANIMATED FILM

Presto

La Maison En Petits Cubes

SHORT LIVE ACTION FILM (crap shoot)

Spielzugland

Auf Der Strecke

SOUND EDITING

Ben Burtt and Matthew Wood, Wall-E

Richard King, The Dark Knight

SOUND MIXING

Lora Hirshberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novick, The Dark Knight

Tom Meyers, Michael Semanick and Ben Burtt, Wall-E

VISUAL EFFECTS

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The Dark Knight (sorry, Iron Man, you know I liked you better)

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire

John Patrick Shanley, Doubt

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Dustin Lance Black, Milk

Andrew Standton and Jim Reardon, Wall-E

And there you have it. We'll see who prevails between myself and Joe over at http://reassurance.blogspot.com/ , as we comete annually over the Globes, the Academy nominations, and the Oscars themselves. Joe took the Globes, I took the Academy nods, so this truly is a tight match. I'll likely be back Sunday night after the awards. Also, that best of 2008 post is going up tonight.

-M

2009-01-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

MIX AND MATCH VOL. 1

So I’m gonna try something new here. Like most ideas I have, expect this to disappear without notice sometime in the future. I think I’ll do this once a month, maybe. We’ll see. At any rate, here are tracks that I’m infatuated with lately. I have a wide, varied taste for music, and thus these are a bit scatterbrained. The idea is to skim the tunes, and if it’s not your thing delete them. I bet you’ll find something worthwhile here as I’ve got good taste, so if you’ve got the balls just burn it and consume. It goes without saying that if you like an artist here, I urge you to support them however you see fit. I’ve zipped up the files for ease. Please leave comments if you enjoy!

http://www.filefactory.com/file/a045h06/n/Mix_1_rar

Just scroll down to download free, enter the security code, and viola!

My notes for this mix:

Bon Iver - Woods (from the Blood Bank EP)
Bon Iver’s new EP is all too brief, and all too awesome. He toys more with his autotune and layering tricks here, and it’s lovely.
Cat Power - Dark End of the Street (from The Dark End of the Street EP)
One of my favorite soul tunes, stripped and cool.
Colour Revolt - Mattresses Underwater (from the Colour Revolt LP)
Love how this one builds.
Damien Dempsey - Maasai (from the To Hell or Barbados LP)
Saw him open for The Swell Season last year, and he blew me away. What a voice.
Elbow - Grounds for Divorce (Unplugged) (originally from The Seldom Seen Kid LP)
One of my favorite tunes from 2008 made simpler.
Fleet Foxes - Blue Ridge Mountain (from the Fleet Foxes LP)
If you aren’t on board with these guys yet, get there. Amazing group, beautiful song.
Hot Leg - Automatic (from the Hot Leg LP)
The Darkness’ lead singer Justin Hawkins’ new band, which sounds remarkably like The Darkness. Which is awesome.
Jay-Z feat Santogold - Brooklyn (Go Hard) (from the Notorious sountrack)
Kanye produces this smooth stomper, and Santi sounds great.
Jazmine Sullivan - Bust Your Windows (from the Fearless LP)
Grammy nominee for best new artist, this is like the black equivalent of Carrie Underwood’s Before He Cheats. She’s the closest thing to Lauryn Hill I’ve heard since she disappeared, which is a huge compliment.
Kid Cudi - Day N Nite (from the A Kid Named Cudi mixtape)
Infectious hip hop track, this guy should blow up this year.
Lamb of God - Set To Fail (from the Wrath LP)
One of the last real metal bands alive, and this first track from their new album kicks so much ass.
Lykke Li vs. Kings of Leon - Knocked Up (Rodeo Mash Up) (from the Use Somebody single)
Lykke Li sounds almost better doing the track than the Kings did. Almost. I like Caleb’s vocals in there too, their voices meld well.
M83 - Kim and Jesse (from the Saturdays = Youth LP)
The spirit of the 80s with a modern sensibility. Suck it, The Killers.
Mark Lanegan - Come To Me (from the Bubblegum LP)
His voice makes me go gay.
Sufjan Stevens - You Are the Blood (from the Dark Was the Night LP)
from an uncoming compilation disc, we get the first new, non-Christmas Sufjan track in a number of years, a cover tune from some group I’ve never heard of. His sound has evolved a bit, beware. I love it.
The BPA feat David Byrne and Dizee Rascal - Toe Jam (from the We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat LP)
Fatboy Slim returns as this pseudonym with an album full of guest stars. Super catchy, and worth tracking down the video.
The Game feat Ne-Yo - Camera Phone (from the L.A.X. LP)
My favorite "rapper and singer duet" of the moment.
The Rumble Strips - Alarm Clock (from the Girls and Weather LP)
Super catchy brit-garage-pop.
U2 - Get On Your Boots (from the No Line on the Horizon LP)
It may not be a great track, but it’s got my attention at the moment.
Will Oldham - Am I Demon (from the Ask Forgiveness LP)
A Danzig cover that’s not quite what you’d expect.

Okay, let me know what you think. Still working on my best films of 2008. Keep checkin’.
-M

2009-01-24T23:46:00.001-08:00

THE WORST FILMS OF 2008

Indy didn’t make my list, somehow, though it probably should have. Regardless, its here in spirit thanks to South Park. This took me a bit longer than imagined, and the best list is going to take even longer as I’m still trying to catch up on 2008's best offerings that I hadn’t caught yet. I’m in a TV mode currently, where I’d rather do nothing but marathon seasons of shows (currently it’s the DVD-less seasons of The Larry Sanders Show), and thus movies are more of a chore to sit through rather than the blessing they should be. No excuse, really, but it’ll have to do. I should have the best up next week, viewing pile tackled or not. In the meantime, my least of 2008.

20 Max Payne (2008, dir. John Moore, US)

Not much needs to be said, really. It’s an adaptation of a video game which manages to retain absolutely nothing but character names. What’s usually wrong with adapting video games is that the people who write the films seem to have no comprehension of the story the game followed. This case is especially glaring because Max Payne as a game FELT like playing an ultra-violent neo-noir. Through two games, they told a stellar story about revenge, redemption and love. This isn’t any of that, with the revenge story almost feeling like an afterthought. It’s also worth noting that the number one thing missing from game adaptations is LESS story and MORE action, which is kinda what video games are about as a concept. Just sayin’. Payne as a game is a balls-to-the-wall shooting experience, however you can probably count the gunshots in the film. Something is wrong. Also, Whalberg and Ludacris are especially bad, but Mila Kunis is woefully miscast as a Russian assassin (!). I wish she'd hold my penis instead of a gun. I mean that in the nicest of ways.

19 Smart People (2008, dir. Noam Murro, US)

A film made for anything but.

18 Twilight (2008, dir. Catherine Hardwicke, US)

I’m not going to rag on this so much, as it’s clearly not a film that was made with my sensibilities in mind. I gave it the benefit of the doubt, and I saw a horribly directed, low budget affair with middling acting talent – and the one guy who actually showed promise was the one the producers were trying to DITCH for the sequel! Turns out he's still in and trying to beef up to play a werewolf. This is instead of actually spending more money to beef him up with effects. Cheap or not, they know they'll make money, but werewolves are so underused, I wish they'd get it right the second time around. As is, it's a successful franchise with a bad first entry. Sounds like Potter to me.

17 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008, dir. Rob Cohen, GER/US)

Shit sandwich.

16 Eagle Eye (2008, dir. D.J. Caruso, US/GER)

Incomprehensible. Was this REALLY envisioned as a modern day take on North By Northwest? Spielberg done lost his damn mind. There’s a feeling that builds as the film progresses that not only did the script get lost in itself (if it ever knew where it was going to begin with), but director D.J. Caruso somehow lost track of what was going on as well, and started just makin’ shit up along the way. How else to describe a series of "people are watching you" scenarios with implausible actions taken to ensure...something happens, I guess. I really don’t know. Then some robot intelligence is killing people because they want to take it offline. What? It has the distinction of containing the worst visual effects in any major Hollywood effort this year. Congrats, Twilight, something was worse!

15 Mister Lonely (2007, dir. Harmony Korine, UK/FRA/IRE/US)

A film which I can only describe as "indie shit." People who claim to have loved this film can’t seem to figure out why they liked it, and likewise I can’t seem to develop any reasoning for hating it so much, it’s just not good. It centers on a group of impersonators who encounter each other. Nothing really happens. It’s dull, it’s plodding, it doesn’t have anything to say. Why does it exist? To end up on this list. Diego Luna does an amusing Michael Jackson, though, for about five minutes. If that floats your boat, have fun.

14 What We Do Is Secret (2007, dir. Rodger Grossman, US)

Biopics are a genre I have many problems with. This film dissolves all of my criteria for a successful one.
A) Have someone worth telling a story about.
B) Have someone convincingly meld into a character, not an impersonation.
C) Make the film about something more than just telling a life story.
There’s not too much to say here. It’s about the singer for this "groundbreaking" punk band The Germs, and it’s about as authentic and relevant as a biopic about a nobody who accomplished nothing could be. Horrible music, horrible acting, and a horrible film to boot.

13 The Love Guru (2008, dir. , US/CAN/GER)

I don’t have much of any love for the comedy heroes of my youth. Eddie Murphy has been (mostly) slumming it up for about 15 years, Steve Martin (mostly) stopped making funny films after L.A. Story, John Candy died, Jim Carrey stayed stagnant and stale, and my beloved Wayne and Garth fell apart. Dana Carvey got cancer, took a lot of time off, and came back to The Master of Disguise, and last year a lackluster comedy special on HBO. Meanwhile, Mike Meyers squandered away all good faith by milking Austin Powers and Shrek to death. So much so, that he made this flop starring a character that appears to be a rejected villain idea from the last Powers film. The comedy is exactly the same, and it’s shit. Nothing but wink-winks to the audience, spelling out the broadest scatological jokes imaginable that were completely obvious to begin with. This movie is bad enough to hopefully end Meyers egotistical, controlling ways and for studios to make him funny again (if possible). Also, stop using Verne Troyer. He isn’t funny.

12 Hamlet 2 (2008, dir. Andrew Fleming, US)

Focus Features dumped a record breaking 10 million for this at Sundance last year after a bidding war. The movie, frankly, isn’t worth a fraction of it. Steve Coogan is one of those comedy heroes of the UK who is destined to remain unnoticed. His style just isn’t something that’s adaptable for a US crowd, and while this is about as close as it’s gonna get, it’s gonna stay that way -close, but not really. This film is an absolute mess, hopping from scene to scene and spanning time with no real reason or logic, and it’s full of one-note characters who are all completely unlikable. The film does muster up some scattered funny moments, but they’re too far between the film trying, and failing, to make an immoral comedy. There's a mentality to make an inspirational teaching story that's a joke, but whole watching the short doc on the DVD, you discover that they actually feel the film accidently became touching because of it. Delusional, and for their accidental intentions it gets even worse in my mind.

11 An American Carol (2008, dir. David Zucker, US)

I’m all for equal-opportunity comedy. There’s plenty to make fun of on both sides of the political spectrum, and more power if someone can somehow get the funding to make a conservative comedy in Hollywood. However, the stipulation is that is should be humorous. This is a smirk-less affair, that made me chuckle twice, and groan and squirm for the rest of the time. Taking shots at the liberals is simply too easy for the powers here, and thus they mistake that taking the easy shots will translate into comedy gold. It doesn’t. This is all from one of the most comically gifted directors of all time, too, and it’s so, so bad when I can find merit in even his lowest slumps like Scary Movie 3 and 4 when in comparison to this laughless heap of shit. For conservatives to get out of this "red collar hillbilly" mentality that the rest of the world seems to think, drastic steps must be made to un-perpetuate the (mostly true) stereotype. This, sadly, isn’t a step in the right direction. No pun intended.

10 88 Minutes/Righteous Kill (2007/2008, dir. Jon Avnet, US/GER/CAN)
aka. The star power dupes.

As working in a video store has taught me, the general public is stupid. They believe that there are a certain sect of once-great actors who are only in good things, even though they haven’t intentionally been a part of anything good in about a decade, let alone given a noteworthy performance. Morgan Freeman is iffy, but Denzel Washington, Anthony Hopkins, Julia Roberts, and the brilliant duo of Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro are guaranteed. However, in 2008, both Pacino and DeNiro were the victim of some hack director with two insanely dumb scripts, and thus the public have yet again been duped. By displaying this star power in the marketing and promotion, these two abominations get people believing that the film actually has a shot at being good. Neither of these actors have given a great performance since the last time they united with Heat, and peoples minds likely go back to that with Kill. It’s a shame that these actors couldn’t have found a better vehicle to work together on, but it’s a bigger shame that the public is fooled into seeing this one, where both are sleepwalking. As for 88 Minutes, well, it’s longer than the title, and that’s punishment enough. The script is incredibly limp, filled with dumb thriller cliches, and a predictable surprise ending. It’s one of the worst films to get a wide release in 2008, and it’s only thanks to Righteous Kill being not AS bad that the pair of them ended up this low on the worst.

9 College (2008, dir. Deb Hagan, US)

Ride the coattails of Judd Apatow, and ye shall face the WRATH! Following very, very closely to Superbad’s formula -- complete with a pudgy kid with a foul mouth, a sensitive guy, and a super-dork – this heap of un-funny follows a group of high school kids visiting a college for a weekend and getting into trouble. Superbad is the worst kind of film to try to copy because A) it was already a copy of other "young kids in antics" kind of film, and B) it was far too funny for anything attempting to rehash coming close to. Plus, that "Chicken Little" kid from American Idol should never, ever have a public career doing anything ever again.

8 Mamma Mia! (2008, dir. Phyllida Lloyd, UK/USA/GER)

Here’s an idea: gather up a cast for your musical who can’t really sing, fill your film with awful green screen effects, make it all a mess, and give it a made for ABC Family budget. The only thing this has going for it is the great music of ABBA, which, oddly enough, isn’t very good because the cast can’t sing the songs worth a shit. Blech.

7 Donkey Punch/Gutterballs (2008, dir. Oliver Blackburn/Ryan Nicholson, UK/CAN)
aka. The imported douchebag awards.

In 2008 the UK and Canada showcased that they, too, have a sect of people which us Yanks refer to as "douchebags." In both cases, the films set themselves up by introducing a sect of characters who are entirely unlikable, and then the waiting game for them to die begins. In Donkey Punch, they end up killing each other on a boat in the middle of the sea after a sexual accident divides the passengers. In Gutterballs, they’re picked off in 80s fashion at a bowling alley by a killer with a bowling-bag mask. Gutterballs almost works in a really vile way, like a Troma film without any of the fun, but manages to be a smile-less homage to the soulless slasher films of yesteryear, amplified by a modern sensibility. It’s not bright enough to achieve what it’s setting out to do, with a non-existent script that’s just a set up for a painfully extended rape sequence, dialogue full of (seriously) nothing but expletives, and later some terrific gore content. The gore wasn’t enough for me, though I suppose it could be for the horror fans who are amused by anything of the like. Donkey Punch’s most interesting thing is the title. It’s oddly not fun to watch these people unravel and argue their way into violence like you’d think it would be, and I kept wanting SOMETHING unexpected to happen. Never. It paints by numbers, and it’s boring as shit. Both are complete wastes.

6 10,000 BC (2008, dir. Rolland Emmerich, US)

It’s Rolland Emmerich here, so we’re not exactly expecting highbrow. It was dumped in March, which should have been a sure sign. It’s a primitive action piece full of large battles and creatures, and it’s PG-13. Also, it’s in English, everyone is manicured with perfect, pearly white teeth, and it’s like Apocalypto for the average-American film-goer. It’s as good as that sounds. I was, inexplicably, really looking forward to this. The trailer really, really sold this movie, and it’s the only reason it made a nice chunk of money for Warner. It’s wretched, I’ve talked about it before, enough said.

5 The Happening (2008, dir. M. Night Shayamalan, US/IND)

Doesn’t that image look riveting?? I feel enough’s been said about Shayamalan’s disaster movie where I can’t really speak at length and feel like I’ve said anything new. My theory? This is indeed an intentionally horrible movie, and the ruse is on everyone for believing that it was intended to be a serious film. How else to explain that the trees are attacking us for revenge? Or that trainer offering his limbs to his tigers? Or that man laying in front of the lawnmower? These "chilling" things could only have been conceived as comedic ideas, parody of disaster movies and global warming paranoia, as there’s no way a single person could find anything approaching "fear" as a feeling involved in the watching of this still-birth. It’s a riot. It also explains Zooey Deschanel and Mark Whalberg’s inability to act and react in any realistic fashion, as only a director with a vision of humility could motivate these two to be as plastic and fake. Or maybe he’s just a horrible director who made two great films, only to discover he had nothing else to give to cinema, and has been wasting everyone’s time and money since. You be the judge?

4 Hancock/Seven Pounds (2008, dir. Peter Berg/Gabriele Muccino, US)
aka. Will Smith = EPIC FAIL.

Two entirely different films, both signifying that Will Smith needs to get a new agent, or get better taste. Hancock felt like the abridged version of a much larger, better story, filtered through too many people like a game of telephone so that the film arrived on the other side resembling very little of what the original product may have looked like. There are glimpses of an unusual story with some wicked humor, backed by some really broad, dumb bits, and it doesn’t make any sense between the two tones. It boasts some horrible effects work, and a really weak third act which could have saved the whole thing, but ends up burying the movie further under a cloud of underwhelming. I found it mildly entertaining, though, especially in comparison to something as awful as Seven Pounds. It’s something that made its way on to the infamous "black list" of the best unproduced screenplays on the market, and one must really wonder what went wrong along the way. The team of Pursuit of Happyness behind the project inspired hoped, as I was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked that film, but that must have been a fluke. How else to explain this incredible level of schmaltzy, manipulative tripe falling on ANY acclaimed list of writing achievements. This gave me the same manipulative, meaningless self-sacrificial bullshit that The Life of David Gale milked years back, and that’s one of the worst films I’ve ever seen, so it wasn’t exactly a welcome comparison. The jellyfish ending of Seven Pounds apparently works with audiences in a comedic way. I don’t think it was intended as such, but it got me chuckling too. This marks the first official year where Will Smith has taken a critical drubbing. Hancock made boatloads, but was a critical failure, and let’s just say that the film didn’t have a lot of repeat viewers, or "fans" to support it beyond the pocketbooks. Unfortunately, that’s about all it takes to equal a success in Hollywood. Will Smith, to me, is now a failure. It’ll take a lot of work to get back to good. Call it hasty, but it is what it is. I got burned twice in one year.

3 Disaster Movie/Meet the Spartans (2008, dir. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, US)

An insult to stupidity on every level. STOP funding these cocksucking, motherfucking assholes so they can make their unfunny "parodies" of the trailers they saw recently.

2 Gran Torino (2008, dir. Clint Eastwood, US)

Perhaps I saw a different film than you dumbshit critics. And perhaps, just maybe, everyone is forgetting about just how touchable the untouchable Clint Eastwood really is. Did anybody see Pink Cadillac? Absolute Power? What about True Crime, or Space Cowboys? How about that miserable Blood Work? Remember those two monkey movies he made? Exactly. For the highs that Eastwood’s been running during awards season in recent years, it made me laugh out loud to even fathom the idea of this being something the academy would even wink at. Eastwood plays a grumpy, tough guy with an undercurrent of heart, which is nothing new. He’s unlikably likeable, but in no way that he’s showing off anything we haven’t seen him do a hundred times better a few years ago with Million Dollar Baby. And when you THINK he’s going to give us Harry Callahan again, he twists the ending into a mindless, derivative, sentimental hodgepodge of convenience and "feel-good" happiness that made me shout "SERIOUSLY?" at the top of my lungs. Every actor in the film besides Eastwood is an amateur, especially this boy that Eastwood sorta takes under his wing (with racism) and thus none of the emotional ideas or themes resonated with me in the least. This reminded me entirely too much of that Eastwood that made True Crime and Blood Work; someone with a competence for filmmkaing aesthetics, but none of the tools at his hand to make it noteworthy whatsoever. In fact, it’s pretty fucking poor.

1 Australia (2008, dir. Baz Luhrmann, AUS/US)

FLASHYFLASHYINYOURFACECOLORFULGAYGAYGAY!
That’s the general state of Baz Luhrmann’s films to date, and what a pleasant surprise that Australia isn’t of that speed. It is, however, equally as poorly made as his previous efforts. I know his films have a lot of (single) female fans out there, and it’s no crime to like Moulin Rouge for it’s heart-on-it’s-sleeve, weepy mentality that females seem to love. I obviously don’t. I also can’t stand his modern-but-not take on Romeo + Juliet. He’s one of the most visually distinguishable directors out there, and he has a true vision – BUT, he’s got no clue how to tell a story. Here he takes the idea of doing an old Warner Brothers epic, a sweeping picture set in Australia with big visuals and a big, powerful story. What those films had, what things like Lawrence of Arabia had, was a scope and a story to tell (with a fantastic script). Australia feels like a set of vignettes strung together by some set of problems that arise from time to time, which is the opposite of epic. Nothing is cohesive or flowing, and for the love story that’s supposed to be here, it felt non-existent to me. Maybe it was the lack of chemistry between Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman, or maybe it was the fact that Kidman’s too frigid, or Jackman’s too gay. At any rate, it didn’t work. Neither did caring about anything that was happening, as when you think the film is heading towards a, um, conflict, it’s solved and we’re supposed to worry about something else. This is not how I've been taught to write, because this kind of writing doesn't work, especially not for this kind of film. Do you understand how much I hated this? I almost walked out on a film for the second time ever. The only thing that kept me from walking out and getting my money back within 30 minutes was that I was too sleepy to drive home. I may have dozed off twice, but I don’t think it really affected my enjoyment, or lack thereof. I can’t imagine actually being Australian and having this be the film titled after my homeland. It’s not at all about the history or forming of this beautiful country, but is just the backdrop with some minor cultural influence in the story, which could have been universally altered to fit ANY country’s history. Insulting, just a bit, is the fact that I’m pretty sure Razorback has better cinematography. Razorback's gorgeous, by the way. Everything looks too polished and fake to actually be real here, and it was shot on location! It’s dreadfully sentimental when we don’t care, weepy without eliciting tears, boring as shit, and ultimately not about anything at all, and thus is a failure on everything it was trying to be. For the intentions and result, it’s the worst thing I saw in 2008 hands down.
-M

2009-01-15T23:40:00.001-08:00

DARE-AOKE

10 Things I Learned From My Bloody Valentine:3-D
(2009/dir.Patrick Lussier/US)

My first post of the new year should certainly be one to remember. Fondly, hopefully. It’s rare that I can muster up much energy to write about bad films at length, let alone this abortion that will easily find a spot in my worst five of 2009 list. I say this comfortably over a year ahead of that list’s compiling. Okay, it can be fun to tear a movie to shreds, especially when it deserves it.

"I don’t think he liked it...", says the perceptive reader.

The plot is familiar – hometown boy disappears after surviving an underground massacre on Valentine’s day, only to return to town for an anniversary some years later as the murders start to happen again. A guessing game begins, leading to an implausible ending reminiscent of that major fuck up that ruined High Tension. Spoiler alert, OOPS (you won’t care). I was coaxed gently into seeing this at the 10pm premiere slot, though it didn’t take much prodding. A live action 3-D film is something I’ve not had the pleasure of seeing, especially not with this fancy new digital 3-D technology. It SHOULD, by all accounts, be fun at the very least. It isn’t...BUT, I didn’t come away empty handed...I came away full of wisdom!

10) The original, clearly, is a masterpiece.
By contrast, of course. I’m no big fan of the Canadian "classic" import from the 80s, but it’s not so awful. Boring, really. That apparently is a tradition carried on to full extent with this remake. And no, just because your dramatic scenes are in 3-D doesn’t mean they’ll have any more life. Generally the originals are better than their remade counterparts. That would make My Bloody Valentine the Godfather of horror films. Dig that sweet poster, though.

9) Patrick Lussier is a BAD director.
To say I learned this is a bit of a stretch, what with Dracula 2000 (and two sequels!) behind his name, and a wretched White Noise sequel to boot (and yes, I’ve seen all of them.) There are few directors who can do no wrong. Patrick Lussier is the complete opposite of this, as he’s done nothing BUT wrong. There’s something called "director jail" which has had a spot wide open for Mr. Lussier for a number of years now. If dude knew how to move a camera, how to direct actors, how to light a scene, how to build tension, how to avoid exposition (just ONE of these things, mind you) then perhaps some of the other faults wouldn’t be so glaring. And I know, not all of this is his problem solely, but what good are you if you can’t get any of this right? Otherwise, you’re a waste of space taking up the title of director. Sure the script is horrid, but that’s not stopped hundreds of horror films from being entertaining despite. The DP and the lighting are surely two of the most glaringly obvious faults with the look of the film, but there’s absolutely NOTHING worth looking at with so many drab, dank, dimly lit settings. And when you’re film is a visual gimmick, it’s kinda bad to fuck that up.

8) Flashlights: The Movie! Also, bad 3-D.
Those bad visuals aren’t helped one bit by the only draw for this film. A couple of interesting shots and cool moments arise from time to time, but after seeing a bad film made better by the use of 3-D (Beowulf) and a good one (Bolt), it’s a bit unforgivable that there’s not anything to be said for the use of it here. Most times, the film doesn’t pop at all, and when it DOES, it’s usually in a very unappealing or awkward way. The most drab and obvious choice is to give EVERYONE a fucking flashlight. The killer wears one on his miner’s helmet, and even when entering lit rooms everyone seems to be waving one in your face. It makes sense; A) there’s always something to be in 3-D and, B) it’s going to keep the audience involved. Sadly, it’s flat. Sparks, oddly, look awesome in 3-D. They bounce out, they’re vibrant! Flashlights look like awful CG lens flares, and even when they’re coming at you feel miles away.

7) Darth Vader wouldn’t be a very good stalker.
All that breathing! Silence is a virtue.

6) Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith, and Jamie King are all incapable of acting.
I’m not saying someone can’t capture them doing well, I’m saying that they can’t do it on their own. I further believe that Kerr Smith can’t do it either way. And it’s a good thing Jamie and Jensen are pretty people.

5) Want to set up your movie? Have your opening credits be exposition!
No, really. Years of backstory, summed up into three minutes of credits. When it’s taught to hide your exposition in the film, it isn’t implied that you should do it in plain sight. It’s like playing hide and seek behind a pencil. Which would work if you’re playing with the blind.

4) Have a woman be completely nude for an uncomfortable amount of time before being murdered.
Have her be mildly unattractive, too. Then build up this long scene only to do the old "blood against the wall trick." REARRRY, Patrick? You’ve shown us EVERYTHING about her, can you not actually show us what we came to see?

3) Kill a midget.
And REALLY get her, too. She deserves it for being God’s little mistake.

2) Your horror movie doesn’t NEED clever kills.
Wait...it does? Shit. It’s only got one. And a lot of people die.

1) January really IS the time to dump your shit.
Time and time again, I wonder if maybe Hollywood will wise up and start releasing GOOD things ALL the time. Unfortunately, the only good things that have ever opened in January have been awards contenders which the major cities already got over the holidays. This will make a quick buck, and be irredeemably unwatchable on DVD, and that is all. Even with the gimmick, this thing falls flat, and I can’t imagine anyone with taste or integrity to discover any merit outside of that. I urge everyone to pretend this never existed, and don’t fall for the gimmick. This is one of the worst things I’ve ever sat through in a theater. Wait for someone with talent to get hold of the 3-D medium. Like, say, James Cameron. Or someone at Pixar.

UGH. Just about a week until my best and worst films of 2008 show up. Talk back to me, especially if you were unfortunate enough to get duped into this heap of shit too.
-M

2008-12-23T21:39:00.000-08:00

BEST MUSIC OF 2008
I’ve always feared writing about music. I feel I know a great deal about music, lord knows I consume as much as I can, and I couldn’t imagine life without it. But unlike film or TV I just don’t quite know how to put my thoughts into words. I had enough gusto to compile what I liked this year, and I might as well go through with this. So I’m gonna do a top 20 and write little blurbs for some. Enjoy.

20 Goldfrapp - Seventh Tree

19 Beck - Modern Guilt

18 Dr Dog - Fate

17 Cat Power - Jukebox/The Dark End of the Street (EP)

That smokey, raspy, low key thing she does just turns my knobs. She's pretty, too, so that doesn't hurt. Chan Marshall turns a varied collection of tunes into her very own, changing up the sound of Motown, classic rock and jazz into her own brand of soul. Cover records should never be this interesting.

16 Q-Tip - The Renaissance

The great one returns. One of my very favorite rappers finally made a new record, and it’s worth the wait. His raspy, unique delivery is still just as fresh and special as it was when A Tribe Called Quest emerged, and Q-Tip’s evolved with the sound of hip-hop music today just perfectly.

15 Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line

14 Jake One - White Van Music

13 Thrice - The Alchemy Index Vol. I-IV

12 Kings Of Leon - Only By the Night

11 Gnarls Barkley - The Odd Couple

A record that outclasses their debut with just ONE track. I’m not dumping on "Crazy" or anything else on St. Elsewhere, but "Who’s Gonna Save My Soul" is my favorite song this year. There are other great tracks on the album, in fact the whole thing is great, but that song sealed the deal for me. The video is the icing on the cake.

10 Ray Lamontagne - Gossip in the Grain

An old-Italian-west ode to Meg White? Fascinating choice. Also the best track on here. Ray is an act whom has eluded me live for entirely too long, and would have ended had one of my best friends not gotten married at the exact time he was playing in St.Louis. Well, not the SAME time, but the wedding was out of town...wait, this isn’t about me. At any rate, this disc is the consolation prize, and it has at least four classic tunes on it. I love Ray’s Sam Cooke/Otis Redding vibe that he filters through a folky jaunt through Cat Stevens’ catalogue. Unique, and I hope he stays that way.

09 Lykke Li - Youth Novel

08 Coldplay - Viva La Vida/Prospekt’s March (EP)

This picture wouldn't load. The album is still great, though.

07 Louis XIV - Slick Dogs and Ponies

One of my very favorite bands. Incredible songwriting and production.

06 The Cool Kids - Bake Sale

This hip-hop duo are a breath of fresh air. I miss "groups." I’m nostalgic for the days of A Tribe Called Quest, The Pharcyde, NWA, and De La Soul. Since nothing like that’s happening, I’ll settle for two guys as being called a "group." And lucky me, these guys are good. Throwback production, simple beats and clever samples, matched with quickfire lyrics and wit, not to mention a good sense of humor. I’m happy to be on the bandwagon early as these guys still aren’t very well known, though they are much respected within the industry.

05 88-Keys - The Death of Adam

A hip-hop concept album isn’t exactly something that comes along often. Experimental hip-hop albums, sure, but this thing tells a story through 15 tracks about a guy named Adam and his mistakes, and it does so with the greatest of ease. Each track is crafted to tell a part of the story, and interludes with a female storyteller fill in the blanks. The best part is that each track is good. Maybe I don’t love all of them, but it’s amazing that I think they’re all solid tracks, and every beat is quite nice. 88-Keys is a producer whose name wasn't familiar, but he's on my radar now. Guest spots are great, from Redman, Kanye, Bilal, and hot upstart Kid Cudi. Don’t sleep on this if you like the intelligent side of hip-hop, the kind that’s more interested in the craft than how it sells.

04 Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago

03 People in Planes - Beyond the Horizon

Talk about out of nowhere. I traveled with friends to Chicago to see Stereophonics play a rare US gig at a cheap price in a much smaller environment than they usually play back in Europe. They were super. The big shock though was discovering this opening act play, a group from Wales. People in Planes was a name I had heard back in 2006, and I was familiar with one song, but I had no frame of reference for the rest of their material. And as it turned out they had just released their sophomore album that week. I picked it up after hearing them live, and it’s simply great. It’s rock, but it’s not heavy. It’s alternative, but not so far left to be labeled as such. It’s got great hooks and great instrumentation, but it’s not radio music (though it could be). It’s just awesome. Their first album ain’t no slouch either.

02 TV On The Radio - Dear Science

Begins and ends with perfection.

01 Portishead - Third

The heart can grow fonder with absence. In the time between Portishead’s ten year hiatus, I discovered the band had conjured two perfect albums, and was dying to hear more. Then this arrived and I didn’t instantly know what to think. Since their trip-hop style has mostly disappeared in the time passed, they had to modernize slightly. Now it’s some sort of electronic machine pumping. Gone are the scratches and the beats, replaced by (still) discomforting coldness and Beth Gibbons’ siren voice guiding you through. Machine gun drums, helicopter blades, and mean synths = amazing. They still sound totally unlike any other bit of music out there. It is the perfect example of what a band can do to fit comfortably into a world of music where they do not belong, sitting comfortably where they once sat a decade ago – pushing against the grain, tripping you out, and blowing your mind. It’s far too short.

NOT MY BEST, BUT PRETTY GREAT:

Fleet Foxes, We Are Scientists, Glasvegas, Crystal Castles, Jessica Lea Mayfield, The Black Crowes, Santogold, Shinedown, Rhymefest, Wale, Neil Halstead, Antony and the Johnsons, My Morning Jacket, AC/DC, The Raconteurs, David Cook, Scars on Broadway, Katy Perry, The Roots, The Verve, Oasis, Lovedrug, Kevin Rudolf, Kardinal Offishal, Innerpartysystem, Grace Jones, Ludacris, Ting Tings, The Kooks, Vampire Weekend, Lil Wayne, Flobots, Elbow, Locksley, Maroon 5, Razorlight, Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, Rise Against, Ryan Adams.

HAVEN’T SPENT ENOUGH TIME WITH, BUT SOLID:

Deerhunter, Anthony Hamilton, Jenny Lewis, Land of Talk, Common, Lenka, The Kills, The Black Keys, Nick Cave, Sigur Ros, The Whigs, The Parlor Mob, NERD, Nine Inch Nails, CSS,
Bloc Party, The Virgins, Shiny Toy Guns, Punch Brothers, Cold War Kids, Bonnie Prince Billy, Family Force 5, Dir En Grey, Chairlift, Ben Kweller, French Kicks, Keane, Mogwai, Lindsey Buckingham, Marc Broussard, All That Remains, Sun Kil Moon, Pendulum, Senses Fail.

DISAPPOINTMENTS:

Jennifer Hudson - S/T

Wins an Oscar, a Globe, a BAFTA, and then released a great single...on an album as forgettable and bland as they get. I had high hopes. I can count the memorable tunes on half a hand.

Mariah Carey - EMC2

The Killers - Day and Age

This is oddly one of the top images Google found for me when searching for The Killers Day and Age. WAIT, let me clarify why this is here; I’m not disappointed IN The Killers, more in the people of the world who keep supporting this awful, awful group of musicians and their horrible singer, continuing to pollute the airwaves and charts. Jesus, people, listen to ACTUAL 80s groups instead of one who wishes they were, posing inane questions like "are we human, or are we dancers?" I firmly believe "Human" is the worst song I’ve heard all year.

Buckcherry - Black Butterfly

I was a fan of their debut back when I was in high school. The world’s kinda been looking for a successor to Guns N Roses for years now, and with Buckcherry’s last album 15 they hit a hard rock and pop stride of which they hadn’t touched yet. They then squander all that with a wretched collection of tunes, highlighted by an ode to "whiskey dick" called "Too Dunk To Fuck." I HATE when bands I liked while they were nobodies get popular and it all goes to their head. Stephen King named this his favorite album of the year, proving that Stephen King knows fuck all about music.

Guns ‘N Roses - Chinese Democracy

Waiting any number of years for this would have felt underwhelming, let alone waiting eternity for a shockingly-poorly-mixed hoshposh of styles popular in the number of years it took to make this. There are a few good tunes, but we didn’t actually get a piece of art here. There’s no reason it should have taken so long to make this.

Kanye West - 808's and Heartbreaks

An experimental album, Kanye? Really? A few tracks aren’t bad, and some of the productions are nice, but if this is the future of Kanye as an artist, count me out.

Nelly - Brass Knuckles

If abs were good songs, Nelly would have one hell of an album. Unfortunately, they aren't.

Filter - Anthems For the Dead

Girl Talk - Feed The Animals

I don’t really like Girl Talk, and I can’t fathom why everyone goes nuts over this A.D.D. overload of random noise. I feel like a cranky grandpa, but...what’s so wrong with songs with a FOCUS? I find nothing really interesting about most mash-ups in general, nor do I need to hear a whole album full of them -- let alone one with fifty different songs on each track. This is like being inside the head of a toddler with musical information from the past 30 years. It’s squirrel music. Pass. It gives me a fucking headache.

Flo Rida - Mail On Sunday

Slipknot - All Hope Is Gone

The Fratellis - Here We Stand

Toadies - No Deliverance

Lady GaGa - The Fame

Euro-pop was perfected by Europeans. You aren’t, Lady GaGa.

Britney Spears - Circus

Why do people WANT her to have a comeback so bad?? Why did they claim this as the comeback of Britney after her album LAST year was supposed to be her comeback? You can’t have so many shots at this, especially with so very little talent. "Womanizer" may be catchy, but it sure is stupid. There ain't much else to speak of either. And what is up with that hazy, 70s Playboy glamour shot vibe on the cover??

OKAY! Like the new look? Be sure to vote in the poll at the top left of the Navagation bar. Look out for the best and worst of the year in film coming no later than January 23rd, the THIRD ANNIVERSARY OF THIS BLOG! Have a lovely Christmas!
-M

2008-11-11T00:17:00.001-08:00

NO, REALLY, THIS IS AN ACTUAL MOVIE

Best cover of 2008.
-M

2008-10-31T16:27:00.000-07:00

MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Bye bye, Donnie Wahlberg! Say hello to your mother for me.

I know, I know, it's been like well over a month. I've been under a dark cloud which is starting to lift, and I'm starting to feel like writing again...which is good, since that's what I plan on doing with my life and all. Yay to life of suffering! Anyway, I may be writing for an upstart website in the near future which I can't name yet, I'll be sure to let you know when that site's up and running wether I get the job or not (it's in beta testing currently). In the meantime, I'm also going to try to get some writing up here. This is a first step towards getting going again. And boy, is it a good one.

18 Kataude mashin gâru (aka The Machine Girl) (2008, dir. Noboru Iguchi, US/Jap)

This is, I believe, the first film to be actually produced by the label Tokyo Shock, which specilizes in Asian cult cinema fairly well. They've brought the likes of Ichi The Killer and Visitor Q to our shores in America. I don't know if they've actually released anything that wasn't directed by Takashi Miike that I've enjoyed...until now. I watched this one last night, and much like when I saw Poultrygeist (see number 15 on the Guilty Pleasures list) I instantly fell in love. Within the first five minutes people are getting destroyed by this:

If this image doesn't sell you, I don't think we're on the same page. She has a fucking gattling gun attached to her arm! Fuck Rose McGowan! She also, at some point, attaches a chainsaw. I know, you've seen that one before, but it's more impressive here while slicing bodies in half. This is a typical revenge story, a girl whose family is murdered, and she's then tortured and loses am arm (and about half of her blood in the process...seriously). She then finds allies, one of whom crafts weapons for her stump, and she extracts her revenge. It's not to be taken seriously. A lot of films come along and claim to be the bloodiest of all time, but Machine Girl may in fact be up there in the higher ranks of such. This film is an excersize in excess, every kill is absurdly bloody and/or comical, and occasionally some CGI effects are thrown in just to remind you that this is indeed a low budget affair. The practical effects are often quite effective, though. Did I mention it's bloody? Well it is. From the ground up, this is a schlocky affair full of gratuitous murder. See it.

CHOICE CUT

Nothing spoken is of any interest in The Machine Girl.

-M

2008-09-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

DARE-AOKE

Munchie Strikes Back (1994, US, dir. Jim Wyrnorski)

There’s a story behind this one. As our dares surely died around July (and we had stopped watching them before that even), there have been no real viewing challenges for a little while now. While I never stop intentionally catching bad movies (hi, Death Race at midnight for no apparent reason), there have been none assigned to me. I'll do it myself, then. The company I work for is bankrupt and recovering, and as a means of said recovery they closed up shop on a number of stores, and had an outside contractor buy all the titles they wanted. The rest the company sold off in super sales. I mean, we’re talking dollar movies, and I got some great titles. I also picked up this terrific Roger Corman production, which is (get this) a sequel to Munchie...

...which itself was a family friendly sequel to the not-so-family-friendly (yet still PG rated) Munchies...

Munchies, of course, was the Gremlins rip-off we all remember so fondly. No? Nobody? Munchies is NOT to be confused with Critters...

OR with that other Gremlins rip-off Ghoulies...

Adorable, isn't he? Phew! You got all that? I have no idea why I actually chose to buy this heap of shit, but perhaps its this irresistible alien star on the cover, who appears to look a bit like Vincent Gallo as a burn victim in blackface.

See? When his animatronic mouth moves to (not really) fit words, and those eyes blink and bulge at the wrong times, you can’t help but fall in love with him. Madly, madly in love. The best thing is that occasionally his eyes go crazy, and his eyebrows spaz out, and it looks like he might be having a stroke. MIGHT. We have no proof of it. At any rate, Munchie returns (though no longer voiced by the enigmatic Dom DeLuise) to help out ANOTHER kid using his magic powers. We aren’t really told the limits of his powers, much like Superman. He’s like a genie in a bottle, only there are no limitations to the wishes. Meanwhile, Munchie is on trial back in his homeworld for using those powers. Can’t they see he’s HELPING people? He better get a good lawyer, counter sue.

I know what you’re asking; don’t you need to see the original Munchie first, so as to follow the continuing storyline? No, idiot! That’s the beauty! I have seen Munchie, and Munchies, both when I was younger, and though I’ve forgotten anything that happens in them, their memories will forever be etched in my heart. In other words, you’ll pick up easily when Munchie helps young Chris mow the lawn by putting the lawnmower on autopilot. Unfortunately, the cranky gay neighbor Mr. Poindexter's tending to his garden next door! You can see where this is going. But can you? In a wildly unpredictable twist, the lawnmower hunts down Mr. Poindexter and his little dog, and RUNS THEM OVER. In true cartoon-ish fashion, Mr. Poindexter and his little dog have bad haircuts and are covered in dirt. He’s probably got a blacked out tooth, too. Lawnmowers do that!

I also particularly loved during Chris’ little league game that Munchie saves (SPOILER ALERT!) where they couldn’t afford the rights to John Fogerty’s "Put Me In Coach," so they get some bargain bin copycat to do something almost exactly like it. Of all songs to try to ape, I don’t think this was the best one. This is a brilliant film. Munchie makes a baseball fly around somebody as they swing wildly, and the umpire’s response is "that was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen." Strange? A baseball acting possessed? This guy should be absolutely freaking the fuck out! Munchie’s making Chris throw 100 mph fastballs, and send the balls into the stratosphere off a homerun! I would imagine the whole crowd would be running to church to pray for salvation, as this black magic is surely a sign of the apocalypse. We learn that Munchie has alledgedly been helping important figures throughout history accomplish everything, like Christopher Columbus, Napoleon, and those Egyptians who built the pyramids. Yup. Cultural phenomenon Munchie. It's not often you get to see the shaper of our world AND Angus Scrimm in the same film. Munchie promises to be back, and he's assigned to help out President Clinton! Ahh!! I will warn you there were no further sequels.

I'll leave you with this wonderful quote from a Netflix review:
Once again, however, the cover is dishonest: at no time does Munchie ride the planet Saturn like a surfboard.

Touche! I know, right??? Why did I write so much about this??? I'm really, really hung over.
-M

2008-08-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

I WANT MY MINI REVIEWS: SUMMER LOVIN’ EDITION

As I’m about to start back to my twenty-somethingith semester of college, it officially means that summer is over. Sure, it may still be warm out (at least where I am), but as far as the studios are concerned, the summer ends when the kids can’t see movies all the time. Hence, this weekend has Death Race, The House Bunny, The Rocker, and Hamlet 2 bowing in theaters. Can’t wait to see Hamlet, but its not exactly summer fare, and neither are any of the others. OH! Did you hear??? The Dark Knight is officially the most profitable film of all time! Okay, maybe not, but it sure has made a shitload of cash. It’s sitting at number two on the biggest moneymakers of all time list, right underneath Titanic by a measly hundred million bucks (it’ll never catch that sinking ship, and I'd go as far to say that Cameron himself is the only person capable of topping it. You know how Knight could make that extra chunk? Release an ALL Heath edition of the flick. Like, just his scenes. Throw in all the outtakes too, like Heath screwing up a line then passionately smashing Bale up against the two-way-mirror, just like he did Gyllenhaal in Brokeback, both of them slobbing on each other, followed by an orgasmic eruption of laughter from the crew. I have no proof this exists.

Here goes the quips about the rest of the summer.

Step Brothers
Y’know, I’ll be damned if Will Ferrell isn’t still just as funny to me today as he was when I was younger. Usually shining stars of my childhood, often the funnymen, don’t age so well with me. Robin Williams and Jim Carrey come to mind. Well, Will isn’t them, and his man-child shtick, done fairly literally here, is about as sharp as its been since something like Old School. Forget the fact that this film doesn’t even feel like its TRYING to have a story, it just hops around from scene to scene with Ferrell and John C. Reilly as two very, very immature people who just happen to have single parents that get hitched. So many wonderful bits, maybe my favorite of which involves a supporting character’s family doing accapella during a car ride, and another reoccuring bit in which Reilly and Ferrell sleepwalk and generally just fuck things up. They have sleepwalking conversations of jibberish. If this doesn’t sound like your thing, I don’t blame you. BUT, as opposed to Talladega’s emphasis on story, this is more akin to Anchorman’s madcap sketch comedy take. That does it for me. Richard Jenkins is the scene stealer here, as Ferrell’s father, who gets so many dirty zingers its hard to keep count.

The X-Files: I Want To Believe
Wait, who asked for this again? OH! Those "legions" of fans who were bummed to watch their beloved show outlive its run by at least three years and turn into a convoluted mess? Was it them? Yeah, cause they didn’t show up to see this movie. Neither did anybody else. Well, I did, and I only did so because Best Buy had scored me a free pass to see it. So last week at 2:45 in the afternoon, I watched it. There was ONE person who clapped when Skinner shows up towards the end. That amused me. Look, this thing has about a fraction of the budget the first film had (and the first film is STILL pretty good), and has about a fraction of the story that a GOOD episode of the show would get. Seriously, the most outlandish thing you get here is a two-headed dog, and the mysterious and mythical aspect of the "case" at hand is pathetic. Not entirely terrible, but I really couldn’t say why.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
And again, who asked for a sequel seven years later to The Mummy Returns? I actually prefer The Mummy Returns to the original, but in no way was I asking for a final chapter to tie things up. With a new director on board, I thought maybe things would have changed a little bit, like ditching that annoying, unfunny sidekick. Unforunately, he’s still there, and so is Brendan Frasier’s hairpiece, and more Indiana Jones-ish set pieces. Also unfortunate is the loss of Rachel Weisz, though it was in her best interest to stay away. Maria Bello steps in as her replacement, and its NOT an even exchange. I like Bello, but this is a TERRIBLE performance. I know she got a paycheck for it, and I’m glad SOMEOENE got SOMETHING out of the situation. Awful effects, a mostly non-existent Jet Li (paycheck again) and Michelle Yeoh (hi, paycheck), and the most ridiculous casting of Frasier’s supposed son, who looks about ten years younger than Frasier does, seals the shitty deal. This son character is wholly unnecessary, and every time we're forced to see him try to have chemisty with his proposed Asian love interest, we go to sleep, or laugh, neither of which are the intended responses. There are actually some scattered moments that work (a race through the streets of China, and an amazing bit with Yeti's) but finding sources of nourishment in a piece of feces is not advised.

Pineapple Express
After word came out that there was a surprise screening of this for internet critics last summer, the response was overwhelmingly positive. The main thing that came across was that net critics were comparing it to this type of 80s throwback action-comedy hybrid, and the title they throw around as the highlight of this era (and that Rogan and Golberg love to reference when speaking about Express) is Midnight Run. I cannot stress enough how much I adore Midnight Run, everyone. A crowning achievement, so much so that I can’t believe how underrated it is still. It’s tremendously written for such a genre piece, and the chemistry between De Niro and Grodin is absolutely prefect. I’ve seen De Niro better, but I’ve never LIKED him as much as I do in Midnight Run. Now, as far as comparing Express to it, there’s just no contest. I see what they were trying to go for, but this just doesn’t stack up with the classic buddy pics of my youth. It is, however, often really funny. Danny McBride is the highlight. I have a feeling that this will hold up better in repeat viewings, but I was a tad underwhelmed. I don’t know if the critics saw a different cut last year or not, but my expectations may have been a tad high in waiting a year after the buzz was built.

Tropic Thunder
On the other hand, this exceeded my expectations. This is a harsh satire, mainly against soulless executives (Tom Cruise, hamming it up as best he can) and the ridiculous actors that populate Hollywood. They’re egomaniacs, coke heads, closeted homosexuals, pandering product placers, insane method-heads, etc. There are some really funny bits in here, even if there are a few dry spots in between, and there’s also a fairly good amount of action with some really nice effects, which was a decent surprise. A few of the best bits arrive ala-Grindhouse as fake trailers for the actor-character’s other films, including Jack Black's Murphey-esque The Fatties: Fart 2, and Downey Jr’s gay priest saga, The Devil’s Alley. Hilarious. This unfortunately cost way too much money for a comedy, and what little mainstream audience it gets shouldn’t be spreading the word too much, as most of this isn’t really for a big audience to begin with. It's Stiller's best stuff since Zoolander, which odddly enough he also directed, but this isn't as easy a sell as that was. It’s a dark, occasionally bloody parody, and that rarely goes over well with big crowds. Should pick up a nice following on DVD this winter.

The Rocker
Sure, it’s not very original. At all. You can see where the story’s going from the very beginning. But it you’re a Rainn Wilson fan, you’ll probably find enough to like here. He does his very best Will Ferrell impression here, and it works fairly well some of the time. The real highlight comes from a really strong supporting cast, including SNL's Jason Sudekis, cutie Emma Stone and the impeccably timed Josh Gad. Singer/songwriter Teddy Geiger gets to sorta act too, and is posed as the main support, but you can tell he’s more just there so the songs would be better. The band Wilson gets kicked out of features Will Arnett, Fred Armisen, and Bradley Cooper (in full on, hilarious Dee Snider-ish garb), which is pretty amusing. I saw this for free (as I often do), and that actually helped this one out, as I wasn’t expecting much to speak of. The studio sure has kicked this one around a bunch, but it’s finally opening TODAY. OMG!! This is not Fox’s summer.

and a few earlier releases that I got a chance to see...

You Don’t Mess With the Zohan
Quite unfunny, though I didn’t hate it, and got a few laughs. There are a large amount of cum-shot jokes for a PG-13 film. No complaints here, just thought it was a bit odd.

Redbelt
Chiwetel Ejiofor is easily one of my favorite actors working today, and though his work here is quiet and strong, the film itself is baffling. David Mamet wrote and directed this tale about a down on his luck martial arts instructor...and, well, I don’t really know how to describe the rest of this. It goes in so many different directions, and never quite manages to be an action film, or a drama, or a crime film. This could work, but in this case doesn’t at all. It’s engrossing for about a half hour, and then Tim Allen shows up and isn’t there for comedy, and then it just circles the drain. I still don’t quite know what happens by the end of it. Mamet lost me. He usually does.

The Babysitters
I can tell you that if you’re looking for some cheap thrills, some skin flick, better turn on Cinemax and get the lotion instead of giving this a rent. It’s main goal isn’t to tantalize, but rather to be provocative and occasionally pretty smart. The story, if you weren’t aware, is about a high school senior who inadvertently becomes a madame, by way of sorta seducing the husband of the family she babysits for. Her workers are her classmates. What works best, and is the most odd, is that this isn’t some heavy handed morality fable (which you’d guess it would be), but rather is just a story about people...bad people, maybe, but people who make mistakes and get in over their head, and end up in an uncomfortable spot. There’s a unique LACK of a message to the whole thing, and I found that really refreshing. Give it a shot.

Finding Amanda
Peter Tolan, he of so many great comedy shows, directed this gem with Matthew Broderick in top form as a sleazy TV writer who tries to tackle his own personal addictions by traveling to Vegas to find his niece...who’s become a hooker. Yes, this IS a comedy, and one with a very shaky grip on tone. What could easily turn into Leaving Las Vegas 2 ends up bring really darkly comic stuff, with really good writing, and even when it shifts to a darker place than I would’ve imagined, it still worked for me. Brittany Snow, who hasn’t impressed me in the least in the past, turns in a pitch perfect performance as this girl forced to grow up way too fast and into a world that isn’t pleasant.

Quid Pro Quo
A film that’s more interesting in idea than it is in execution, a sort of hybrid of Cronenberg’s Crash and an aspect of Fight Club, looking at a subculture of people who wish they were handicapped. Seriously. Vera Farmiga is tremendous, but she’s really not enough to make the thing as a whole shine, which suffers from bad pacing and a lot of boringness. Farmiga is so good she makes Nick Stahl look like he’s sleepwalking, too, which doesn’t help.

Transsiberian
Do yourself a favor and have no idea what this is about, just SEE IT. It’s a tense, tight thriller that’s a real slow burner. Once things get rolling, there’s no room left to breathe. I really, really like this feel for a suspenseful thing, one that takes a while to get there and once it does decides to be relentless. Brad Anderson uses his skills in building and maintaining tension
(showcased so well in Session 9 and The Machinist) so very effectively. Just see it. It’ll be on DVD in October if it ain’ playin’ by you.

And there we go. I may add Hamlet and Death Race to the list this weekend after I pay them a visit, and I’m sure you’re DYING to know how they are. Those Guilty Pleasures are coming back, I promise, bookmark me and keep checking back. I’m currently in hour ten of the Lord of the Rings films, which I’ve vowed to watch back to back in extended form for about two years now. It’s tremendously draining, and I'm not a nerd, but it's surprisingly cohesive as a whole. I look forward to college giving me shit to do again.
-M

2008-07-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

I WANT MY MINI REVIEWS: SUMMER LOVIN’ EDITION

We’re just about halfway through the summer movie season for 2008, and I don’t know if YOU feel as "eh" about things as I do, but I do firmly believe the strike took something out of the industry. I of course say this on the heels of the biggest fucking opening of all time ($155 Million for The Dark Knight, in case you live in that cave with Bin Laden...did you find him, Morgan Spurlock?). So yeah, ONE movie did big business. Spider-Man 3 did some big business last summer too, right? Remember how much we liked that one? Well, skeptic, take into account that The Dark Knight is THE NUMBER ONE FILM OF ALL TIME currently on IMDB. This is, frankly, absurd. But I’ll get to that. In the meantime, a blurb for everything I’ve seen in the summer thus far. If you want that Dark Knight talk, scroll to the bottom.

Iron Man
The first film of the summer season, a huge hit, and it’s still my favorite. This movie managed to be absolutely everything I wanted from it, which is (sadly) a lot to ask from a summer blockbuster. A second viewing at home will truly tell if it’s holding up as well or not, but I was riding high after seeing it opening night, and I still sort of am. Can't wait to see it again.

Son Of Rambo
Cute little UK indie about kids filming their own sequel to Rambo. Charming performances, and not too much schmaltz to ruin the whole thing. Gives off this half-assed Rushmore vibe, too, and I dig Rushmore a bunch, so that's a compliment.

Young@Heart
MAYBE my best of the year thus far? I think I saw it in April, but I’m throwing it in here because it’s so great. Documentary focuses on an elderly choir who’s led by a weird guy that has them cover pop songs instead of doing the traditional old folks shit. PERFECTLY edited, which is remarkable for a documentary, and it’s often hilarious. Old people are cute when you don’t have to touch them, too.

Speed Racer
Yikes. Visually, this was really striking, but there’s no reason this had to be so geared toward kids. They obviously didn’t see this, as it was the first complete bomb of the year. Love Guru followed, and I would suppose Meet Dave would be the next, which opened in 7th last week, and is currently out of the top ten. Oh how the Eddie have fallen. Anyway, this isn't as terrible as you might have imagined, but you don't need to spend time watching it. That would be better spent elsewhere.

Meet Bill
Aaron Eckhart(!) Jessica Alba (?), shot in St.Louis(!). Not worth anyone’s time. By the way, I wonder if Bill has met Dave yet, as we’ve been invited to meet both. That's a reference to the movie Meet Dave, not the movie Dave...nevermind.

The Tracey Fragments
Though Ellen Page may have filmed this before Juno, it’s her first post-Juno film to see a release. It’s fairly interesting, experimental filmmaking that uses a lot of split screen (often multiple split screens) to tell its story. It’ll either annoy you completely, or really have you enthralled. I was somewhere in the middle, but was mildly positive.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
I’d say most forgettable film of the summer if I COULD REMEMBER WHY. A slight improvement over the first one, but I still wasn’t really sold on the Lord/Harry-light stuff, not to mention my lack of any real religious affiliation or super-faith left me a bit skeptical about the giant Water God at the end. CONVENIENT. I don’t know if I read the books as a kid or not, but I can assure you that I’ve drank away all memories of them if I actually did.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Probably should have left it alone, guys. The flick starts out with a bang...until Indy hops into that fridge. It’s all downhill from there. The monkey helpers. The cliff jump. The killer ants. The STUPID ending. I did have a nice time seeing it (it’s Indy), but there’s far too many eye rolling moments to truly think it’s good, nor even close to the level of the others. It was OKAY. It was Live Free Or Die Hard good, a sequel in name and characters only, with mere glimpses of what was golden with their franchises back in the day.

War, Inc.
Uh...no.

Sex and the City: The Movie
I was a fan of the show until the last two seasons, where it sort of dwindled. Unfortunately, this appears to have picked up just where the show left off, dwindling and struggling to entertain. I guess those rich bitches who idolize this show and its materialistic-gurl-power attitude may have walked away liking what they saw, but I just ended up seeing...the bad seasons of the show up on the big screen. There was more unintentional laughter in my theater than the other kind, which probably isn’t what they were going for. There’s a Charlotte reaction scene in the middle that is simply to die for, it’s that bad. Jennifer Hudson just kinda...shows up...there for a while...did a song for the soundtrack...and KINDA plays a role in the happy ending (a stretch). I thought they were going to actually let a black woman into their circle, but that would have been too much for these drunken socialite whores. By the way, that 150 minute runtime didn’t help ANYTHING out, and they could have so easily trimmed this down to 120 or less.

The Strangers
I liked about half of this, but I’m beginning to question if I actually liked the thing or not. For at least the first half of the movie, this is chock full of atmosphere and suspense, but then it begins to teeter into more predictable and traditional slasher movie cliche. It ends on a bittersweet note, but it’s a bit too little-too late. I recommend, pensively. This is one of the most profitable summer flicks this year, so I’d garner that a DTV sequel (if not even theatrical) is on the way. That’s how these studios work; "Profitable? FRANCHISE IT! LET’S GET THE TOYS OUT THERE!" I bet there ARE toys, or at least there will be at Comic-Con this week.

The Foot Fist Way
So far the funniest thing I’ve seen this year. Danny McBride’s just about the most likeable asshole ever as a karate instructor with serious delusions of grander. He’s got a slutty wife, he’s an awful teacher, and his friend may or may not be seriously creepy. I hate comparing this to Napoleon, but it has that same random nature, jumping scene to scene with no real cohesion. This got championed by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, and still only played for a weekend at ONE theater her in St.Louis. It’s on video soon. BE SURE to check it out. Also be on the lookout for HBO’s East Bound and Down, which is the exact same writers and cast as this film, this time with Danny playing a supremely cocky, washed up MLB pitcher. The pilot is wonderful.

Stuck
Stuart Gordon has never quite reached the level that Re-Animator is on with anything he’s done since. This certainly isn’t it either, though it’s pretty good regardless. Loosely based on true events, a woman (Mena Suvari with cornrows, y’all!) hits a man with her car. He doesn’t die, though...he simply gets stuck in her windshield...and she parks the car in the garage. You may recall this story. Of course things just get messy from here. Gordon’s stuck some tone that can’t be described, as the film really isn’t funny enough to be a comedy, nor dark enough to be a horror picture. Dark comedy is the happy medium, but I wouldn’t even put it there. At any rate, worth a look.

Kung Fu Panda
Surprisingly more appealing than I had believed it would ever be. Entertaining, even. Dreamworks FINALLY hits the highs that the first Shrek hit, mixing some beautiful animation with a clever story and loads of humor that’s not forced. Superb, if a bit underused, voice cast, and some really nice fight scenes. If I were a parent, I’d be hatin’ on some Dreamworks for making my kid want to see shit like Shark Tale and Madagascar, but they should be thrilled to sit through something as good as this. Still not quite on that Pixar level, but a step in the right direction.

Mother of Tears
I don’t think I can rightfully review this yet. Dario Argento’s latest because I tried to take it seriously. I’ve heard that it has to be viewed with the mindset that it’s a comedy to fully appreciate it. I was a huge fan of his Masters of Horror piece Jennifer, which is one of the funniest short films ever (I refuse to believe it wasn’t conceived as this). Consequently, I don’t actually believe Argento’s directed a movie in ten years or so, as he appears to have lots his sense of style, edge, elegance and dread. Same goes for Romero and Carpenter.

The Happening
Shayamalananaanan-manana strikes again. THE TREES HAVE GONE RABID! Much like Mother of Tears apparently, this really works as a comedy. Wahlberg gives the Razzie winning performance of the year! I do plan to purchase.

The Incredible Hulk
Meh. Right up there with Narnia in terms of being forgettable. Certainly more of an event movie and a crowd pleaser than Ang Lee’s take on Hulk, this is too skimpy on character (as opposed to the all character basis of Lee’s) to actually pull me in at all toward caring who lives or dies, not to mention that the love between Bruce and Betsy just seems to rely on the audience going "oh, they must already care about each other, huh? Cause they seem to." The final fight was decent, but resulted mostly in Hulk getting his ass kicked up and down the street. Hmm. I’m all for the hero being beaten down and fighting back in the end, but then it’s all anti-climactic with how the fight ends. Not a bad movie, but it’s not particularly good either.

Get Smart
Waste of time, basically. Carell gives some laughs, and Hathaway is surprisingly really decent as an action heroine, but it really just isn’t very funny. You like Alan Arkin? You might think he steals every scene he’s in, but I didn’t. The third act of the movie has the funniest bits, which is kinda inverted from what most comedies do. Nobody will remember this thing after seeing it.

Get Smart’s Bruce and Lloyd: Out of Control
Uh, there was certainly no need for this DTV spinoff released the week after Get Smart hit theaters, featuring two minor characters from the film as they work around the events that take place in the main feature. A clever idea if anybody really gave a fuck enough to care about your primary movie enough...

The Love Guru
...however, they CERTAINLY cared more about Get Smart than The Love Guru. I guess I give Mike Meyers credit for being so independent and hard headed as he’s reported to be, but your control freak nature led to this thing being unleashed upon society, dick. It’s not completely laughless, I think I chuckled a few times. At any rate, this is the same recycled, sophomoric "potty humor" gags that Meyers has aped for THREE Autin Powers movies. The ads for this led me to think that this may have been one of Meyers’ pitches for a Powers villain which the studio rightfully declined, and the actual film doesn’t do much to disperse that. This is like the worst b-side or an already overplayed, shitty album.

Wall-E
Okay, so we’re all fat, materialistic, consumer whores. Thanks, conglomerate Disney/Apple. Despite their heavy-handed desire to preach messages to kids, Disney and Pixar’s latest is fantastic storytelling and stunning visuals throughout. It’s so wonderful to just hear the robot voices for a majority of the film, designed by sound wizard John Dykstra, and just let Pixar’s expert team and the director visually tell the story through the characters and the environment. Just a fantastic film.

Wanted
A the biggest surprise of the summer is an action film that’s got about the most stylish and signature look and feel since the Wachowski brothers unleashed The Matrix. Sure, it may employ similar tricks (and even similar story beats), but it’s more in line with, say, The Long Kiss Goodnight – wanton violence, profanity and action. It’s a fantasy set in a recognizable and modern world, and Bekmambetov is truly one of the most visionary and interesting directors working today. Check out the Nightwatch and Daywatch films for more evidence. I wasn’t expecting anything much from this outside of some neat visuals, and I got a bunch more entertainment out of it.

Hancock
On the other hand, I got a whole lot of nothing from this shit. Peter Berg’s attempt at starting a potential superhero franchise appears to have been squashed by some truly awful word of mouth. This thing is just a mess, cobbled together through the years from multiple script rewrites, multiple directorial visions, and a shitload of studio interference. There are some bits that work, and some character moments that truly shine, but it’s hard to pay attention to those when everything else is so bad. There are some really, really bad effects in here, which makes me think the whole thing was rushed too much. It has a twist midway through that could have worked if it were done with a little more thought put into it. Alas, no, and at a nice running time of around 85 minutes, you can just feel the studio trying to maximize on screenings to gain the most profit. I’ll be interested in a director’s cut, which was rumored to be full of stuff that had to get cut for the MPAA. This could also be why the flick seems so choppy. Whatever. It wasn’t good in its current form.

The Wackness
Okay, so there’s really no shot of this Sundance audience fave to get anywhere near the success of Little Miss Sunshine. That was a mainstream pic masked as an indie. This is an indie masked as a mainstream pic, if that makes any sense. There are some really dark tones in here, and there’s a big nostalgic kick back to the mid-90's, neither of which do I see audiences telling others they have to see. I know Sunshine dealt with some tough stuff, but it did it so glibly that it never felt heavy. It does here. I liked that. Not all of this movie works together, and there appears to be two starkly different tones fighting for control of the film, but as a whole I found it to be really entertaining. Josh Peck is a really great find (all skinny and likable as opposed to his character in Mean Creek), and that Juno sidekick Olivia Thrilby is the perfect choice for this character. I’m not sold on her entirely as the new indie "it girl", but I was in this movie for sure.

Meet Dave
It’s better than Norbit. That’s about all it’s better than.

Hellboy II: The Golden army
I’m sayin’, this thing is great! From the production design to the make-up and the effects to the story and the actors, everything is drastically improved from the first one. This is everything a sequel should be but rarely ever is. Del Toro is off the heels of his most creative production with Pan’s Labrynth, and is about to move onto The Hobbit(s) for, like, five years. I’m going to be severely upset if that/those film/films is a waste of his time, because he’s one of my favorite directors that’ll be tied up for such a long time, depriving the film world of more of this wizardry. So be sure to take advantage of the chance to see this guy do his thing, cause it’s the last time for a while.

Batman: Gotham Knight
Batmanime! This is a really cool collection of stories from Japan’s most prolific anime directors that bridges the gap (sorta) between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. Some are better than others, but if you’re a Batman fan, this should be a must. Also, Kevin Conroy, the voice from The Animated Series, returns as Wayne/Batman. Dork yourself out.

The Lost Boys: The Tribe
Warner Premiere throws this on DVD in a few weeks, and while I sure wouldn’t call it a sequel to the 80's cheesefest, it’s really not a bad little vampire flick. The effects and stunt work are actually really well done, and while the story ain’t great (kinda Point Break with vampires), it’s decent enough (actually way generous) for a direct-to-video feature film sequel. Especially to a film from the 80's. Cory Feldman gets a fair deal of screen time, but don’t hold your breath for more than a blink-and -you-missed-it Cory Haim appearance.

The Dark Knight
So I’m not as head over heels in love with this thing as most people appear to be. I found the film to be HEAVILY flawed, and anchored only by a legendary performance by Ledger, and a really solid one by Eckhart. I think Bale looks the part of Batman, and I think he’s great as Wayne, but when he turns on that Batman voice, I turn off. You know when Gob is readin the menu at the country club to Lucile 2 in Arrested Development, where everything is covered in club sauce? Well, it just sounds like that to me. EVERY TIME HE SPEAKS. It appears to have gotten worse than it was in Batman Begins, and I don’t know why Nolan didn’t step in and try to tell Bale it’s embarrasingly awful. Perahps he was unaware, as he also seemed to be unphased by that criticism of his action direction people threw his way with round one. The fight sequences are drastically worse than they were in Begins, and partially because the camera and editing gets less spastic and you can see how terrible the choreography is. I think he hit ONE dog with a backhand, but I have no idea how the other one managed to bite him, for example, and when he's taking down thugs at the charity event, he just seems to be doing simple takedowns as they come to him one by one. Weak sauce. I had other little issues as well, I won’t get into those, but most of my problems were with the time Batman was on screen. It was fortunate that this wasn’t REALLY a Batman movie, as it was more Joker vs. Dent. I thought the storytelling, and the moments between the two were excellent, and I only really though Eckhart was less than stellar when he got all fucked up. I thought that chase in the middle was incredible, especially on the IMAX, where the sequence was shot in bigger-than-life-vision. I thought the look of the film was fantastic. Batman’s unnecessary trip to Japan was cool. That hospital sequence was a jaw dropper. Did I mention how good Ledger is? I thought for all the problems I had with the script, it was pretty damn solid. I really, really enjoyed the film, but there’s absolutely no way in fucking hell I’d say that it’s even in the realm of the top 50 films of all time. Probably not even 100. People just need to see more film, I think, is a pretty obvious fact. I’m an unashamed film geek, though, so I’ve got the right to be an elitist. You should expect nothing less, and you ain't got to agree. Holla at me.
-M

2008-06-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

ARF! ARF!

This...is DMX? He was arrested for something a few days ago. Nothing new there. However, this mugshot joins the fucking hall of fame! It also closely resembles Ne-Yo's mugshot from a few months back.

Apparently receeding hairlines and stubble are IN. When you've been arrested, at least. At least Ne-Yo looks, y'know, okay. DMX is looking mighty homeless. More Guilty Pleasures coming this week, check back.
-M

2008-06-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

DARE-AOKE

Shakes The Clown (1991, dir. Bob Goldthwait, US)

"As soon as that camera’s off, he’s gonna fuck that little dog."

What a line, and it’s perfectly delivered! Sadly, that’s the only thing that really made me laugh in this, Bobcat Goldthwait’s masterpiece. He wrote, directed, stars, and produced this total piece of shit. The main problem with it is that nothing feels at all complete. This is like someone’s rough draft that they decided to shoot. I’ve seen SCRIPTLESS movies that Hollywood has made with severely better results. It doesn’t flow at all, it just kinda hops from scene to scene watching Bobcat with a young Adam Sandler get into trouble, get wasted, crash cars, etc. Bad clowns. I’m not one of these people who for no apparent reason hates clowns. I’ve never gotten that fear. At what point did someone develop a hatred for entertainers in make up? Was it that horrible Stephen King adaptation of It? Go back, watch it again. It’s fucking AWFUL. There ain’t a thing scary about that. Nor is there anything scary here, except mediocrity. There’s nothing completely terrible about this movie, and that’s another problem, because I can’t fully hate it. It simply exists in my brain, and will likely be pushed out of memory by week’s end. That little dog line won’t, though.
-M

2008-06-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

13 The Cutting Edge (1992, dir. Paul Michael Glaser, US)

A romantic sports movie. As a manly guy, that just sounds watchable because it deals with sports. It’s ideal for a girl because it mixes sports with that sappy, fairy tale shit they love. Just look at that poster, it looks as if he's TOTALLY going to cross check her into the boards, and she's gonna punch/mount him! However, when the sport is pair figure skating, all bets are off as to if this is even FOR men. Well, let me just say that I am totally gay for this movie. DB Sweeny and Moira Kelly have a wonderful chemistry together, playing off of the "from different worlds" storyline. It of course focuses on a gruff hockey player who is talked into competitive skating, and paired with a rich-bitch who can’t keep a partner. This is the prototypical buddy cop movie idea too, right? The story hits every single beat, and you see them coming a mile away. The "will they/won’t they" moments, the fight, the make-up, and of course when they pull it together on the ice, it’s magic! Also, John Locke as the rich daddy. It isn’t a very good movie, but it’s one I watched repeatedly growing up, for some reason. It’s got some funny moments still, and the characters become a little more two dimensional as the thing goes on. I think I had a thing for Ms.Kelly, too. Sony’s released two straight to video sequels that follows the same formula. I won’t go near those. I’m ashamed enough to like this one, there’s no need for me to pick up further baggage. As a side note, this was Tony Gilroy’s (Bourne films, Michael Clayton) first script to get made, and that may provide a little more insight into why I like it. He’s a great writer NOW.
CHOICE CUT:
Moira Kelly - Toooooooooooooee piiiiiiiiiick.

14 The Wedding Planner (2001, dir. Adam Shankman, US)

And here’s yet another reason to question my sexuality. The romantic comedy is weak enough, but now we have this sub-genre of the WEDDING romantic comedy. My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Wedding Date, 27 Dresses, Made of Honor, etc. These are, first and foremost, the same movie over and over with minor tweaks and different actors. This, for me, is the best of the bunch. It’s not any different from the others, really, but there’s just something about it that charms me. It might be Matthew Mcaughnahy’s southern "appeal", it might be Jennifer Lopez (the only thing besides Out Of Sight she’s good in) being so cute, or it might be that Judy Greer stealing the show. I love Greer, really. She's too cute, but it should be noted that Greer has played virtually the same character in everything she’s in -- that sassy best friend who's a bit off. In fact, she’s also in 27 Dresses as Katherine Heigl’s sister. This was done by Adam Shankman, who may have managed to surprise some people with last year’s better-than-average Hairspray musical, does nothing to surprise anyone here. This is as bland as they get, too, and much like The Cutting Edge hits every single traditional romantic comedy beat imaginable. Whatever. It's better than it has any right to be.

CHOICE CUT:

Mary - Y'know, "those who can't do, teach"? Well those who can't wed, plan.

15 Poultrygeist (2006, dir. Lloyd Kaufman, US)

Oh that sweet, sweet Troma. I just saw this last week and it instantly raised in the ranks to one of the best-worst movies I’ve ever bared witness to. Folks, there is a man dying from a zombie anal fisting in the first five minutes. If this in any way turns you off, then this isn’t the movie for you. Explosive bowels, gallons of blood and a broom-dick replacement will follow. I feel bad, though, cause Lloyd Kaufman actually makes some genuinely funny films which some people just won’t get. Troma is the definition of cult, and is the one exception to the rule that you can’t knowingly create a cult classic, as Kaufman’s been doing it his whole fucking career. The Toxic Avenger has some really funny bits. Hell, it spawned a fucking cartoon (which is infinitely wrong, yet I think I owned the toys). Troma films are a different kind of B-movie all their own, or at least Kaufman’s are. No budget filmmaking with a lot of heart is what some would call it. They have their own rhythm and style, they manage to find a way to offend EVERYONE (my favorite in this is an Arabic woman named Hummus), and they’re often really quick witted and fast paced when it comes to dialogue. Mel Brooks and Woody Allen get demented! To add to that, this one is a musical with some rather catchy tunes. Unfortunately for the masses, these songs are full of some...odd lyrics . Oh, and the film is extremely gruesome. EXTREMELY. Shockingly so. It’s not an easy thing to say this is the most repulsive of all of Troma’s catalogue (Terror Firmer and Citizen Toxie are tough to beat!), but that may indeed be true. I think it uses every bodily fluid in existence, at one point of another, as a projectile. And it’s about a chicken restaurant built on an Indian burial ground that somehow causes people to become chicken zombies. Look, either you’ll like it or you won’t, but it’s brilliantly awful. And great. It’s getting some theatrical love right now somewhere in the country, and Entertainment Weekly recently did a full page, rather glowing review of said theatrical release. It should be on DVD this year, but the internet is a wonderful thing if all else fails.
CHOICE CUT:
I’m taking one from IMDB. Not my favorite, but it’s what they have up, and it’s pretty good regardless.
Arbie - They are very slowly approaching the entrance!

Micki - They'll break through faster than the five minutes it took me to turn Wendy into a full blown lesbian!

Arbie - Damn it! Well we need action before they turn the glass into lesbians!

16 Annie (1982, dir. John Huston, US)

In English, it’s pretty shit. As highlights, Albert Finney is good, the music's alright, and Carol Burnett is just devouring the scenery. But in Spanish? It’s magic. I thank the doldrums of working at a video store for this. Added fun? Subtitle it in Korean for total disorientation.
CHOICE CUT:
Uh, it’s obviously that musical number we all love, "Manana."

17 Meet The Feebles (1989, dir. Peter Jackson, NZ)

Peter Jackson, before all those Rings and Oscars, was a schlock master. He dabbled with zombies in Dead Alive, aliens in Bad Taste, ghosts in The Frighteners, and delusional lesbian lovers/killers in Heavenly Creatures (though decidedly pretty unschlocky). None of them can come close to puppets behaving badly in Feebles. While by no means is Feebles his best creation, it’s certainly the most original. It takes from the groundwork for the Muppets, focusing on their attempts to make an entertainment variety show. The only thing is that when the cameras don’t roll, these puppets are filthy. They fuck, they intoxicate, and they kill. They’re just like us! One films porn, the other fights (not really) his addiction to heroin and his penchant for Vietnam flashbacks, and the showrunning seal cheats on his hippo wife with a siamese cat. I haven’t even gotten into our hedgehog hero Wobert yet! See, he has a speech impediment. So okay, concept aside, it’s really stupid. Jackson’s got a taste for the gross, and very few things are quite as gross as a diabolical fly puppet eating a pile of dung from the toilet, right? This thing is filthy! The finale has SO many dead puppets getting desolated by a chain-toting machine gun, and buckets of gore are dispensed throughout. You would never know how satisfying that is until you see it.
CHOICE CUT:
The musical number "Sodomy" is pretty arousing.
-M

2008-06-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

10 The Hulk (2003, dir. Ang Lee, US)

Ang Lee’s introspective, psychological Hulk is not a popular choice for anything. Occasionally you’ll find a fan of the movie, though that’s like a bigfoot sighting – people simply won’t believe you. It’s entirely too long, and Nick Nolte is on some other planet, working independently from everybody else in the film. Fuckin’ Ang Lee was too busy counting his money to notice, I think, like that Gus Van Sant scene from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Even with Munich and Troy (which is actually quite good in director's cut form) under his belt, the wonderfully talented Eric Bana (see Chopper, change your life) simply isn’t a name yet, and that’s partially due to this, I think. Every time you see his face, you instantly think of The Hulk. What? OH! Nobody else does that? Seriously, the only reason I think I like this is the Hulk fighting radioactive dogs sequence, which is far too darkly lit to even be decipherable half the time. There’s also some lovely mayhem in the desert and San Fransisco that does it for me. I think I just like the idea of the Hulk as opposed to the actual movie. I believe I’ve watched this once since buying it. I doubt this year's The Incredible Hulk, now with Edward Norton and directed by the excellently dumb Transporter 2's Louis Leterrier, will be quite so dull, but it looks just as mediocre.
CHOICE CUT:
Father - Stop your bawling, you weak little speck of human trash! (this just sounds like a poor Anime dubbed line, doesn't it?)

11 The Relic (1997, dir. Peter Hyams, US)

I remember I used to have a friend whose main complaint about this movie was that the creature changed size too much. I didn’t realize at the time, for some reason, that it’s part of the story that the monster keeps growing. This dude was an idiot, but wasn’t I the bigger idiot for not correcting him? This movie probably wouldn’t be worth an argument, though. Monster movies are a soft spot for me, and though this is about as low as they get for a bigger budget affair, the monster is totally awesome, the sets are great, and it’s starring my beloved Penelope Ann Miller. Between this, my personal favorite Carlito’s Way, and the ever brilliant The Shadow, I developed a mega crush on this snaggle-toothed beauty. There’s just something about this girl! I have no idea what it is. In The Shadow, she gets moments to seduce, and in Carlito she’s essentially the perfect woman who will forgive you for your flaws and mistakes and strip for you. God bless that. Anyway, The Relic isn’t very good, nor is Penelope particularly alluring, but it did boast, in the theater, some of the best jump scares I had seen at the time. Mind you, this is when I was a teen, but some of them still work pretty well today. Peter Hyams is one of those go-to director guys since the 80s, for solid, marketable, and modestly profitable features, and does the same thing here. The script is full of clever one-liners that are quite out of place, muddling this grim tone with some comic moments, and this story (based on the novel) feels like it’s been tragically toned down into something dumber. It’s certainly dumb, but it’s a lot of fun too. Monster in an art museum is a great concept, and fuck Ben Stiller and company for ruining that idea.
CHOICE CUT:
Dr. Zwiezic - Seven decapitations in one week. Don’t you hate killers who take head and never give it?

12 Tales From The Crypt Presents: Demon Knight (1995, dir. Ernest R. Dickerson and Gilbert Adler, US)

For the record, this is the only Tales From The Crypt movie that actually matters. We can ignore Bordello Of Blood, and I don’t believe that anybody realizes there was a third one, Ritual, that was promptly shelved by Dimension only to see a DVD release in 2006. Neither one of them will taint how perfect this movie is, proudly walking the line between great and terrible (much like the show did). The story revolves around William Sadler who’s on the run from Billy Zane. Sadler carries an ancient relic with the blood of Christ, and he is a demon slayer that’s well over 100 years old. Zane is a wacky, sinister "demon-god" of sorts, a man that has way too many amusing things to say, and seduces his way into people’s souls. Much like Stargate, here’s another one of those villain roles that turns into something much more in the right hands, though in a different way. This is probably one of the only times Zane has been quite so charming, and he’s hamming it up like nobody’s business, stealing each scene he's featured in, and ultimately the entire movie. This was also my first experience with Jada Pinkett (pre-Smith), as a sassy, tough anti-hero at the center of the movie. Likewise with Zane, she’s never been nearly as watchable and compelling as she is here, and I'm in no way a fan of hers (I got to meet her when her metal band opened for somebody a few years ago, and that still didn't get me on her side). Throw in some great gore, super practical effects, CCH Pounder (easily one of the most underrated actresses on the planet, see The Shield for evidence) and the truly awesome Thomas Hayden Church as the ultimate asshole, and you have a lovely way to spend 90 minutes.
CHOICE CUT:
The Collector: HUMANS... You're not worth the flesh you're printed on...Fuck this cowboy shit! You fucking ho-dunk, po-dunk, well then there motherfuckers! All you had to do was give me the goddamn key! Then we could get on with our lives.

-M

2008-06-02T03:27:00.000-07:00

MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

7 Stargate (1994, dir. Roland Emmerich, US)

What a load of poop! I mean, Jesus, what a derivative, unoriginal piece of cinema that’s somehow spawned off a couple of syndicated shows. DORKS LOVE THIS SHIT. I profess myself a film geek, but I am in no way a "dork." I’ve got a modest comic collection from when I was younger, I think the Star Wars movies are decent but by no means some holy grail (and the ones Lucas didn't do are the good ones), and unless there’s some aliens in your sci-fi movie, I probably think it’s gay. The most outlandish things in here? Some aliens posing as Egyptian Gods, laser weapons, and something resembling a terminally diseased buffalo. Cool! Not really. James Spader nerds it up as some breed of genius that can decipher a long dead style of writing, and Kurt Russell just phones it in as a grieving father and military high-up sent on one last suicide mission because he’s got nothing let to live for. Oh, and a pre 3rd Rock From The Sun French Stewart plays a bullying military man. It’s THAT kind of movie. This is, along with Universal Soldier, shows Roland Emmerich’s beginning of a stellar directing career that will try to teach us lessons about genetic testing, global warming, English-speaking cavemen, and being Jewish. These are his gifts! There’s probably not a worse director working with such a continual major budget today, and I’d challenge anyone to find a comparable substitute. DO NOT say Uwe Boll. That guy may get funding for his crap, but he can barely muster up a fraction of what Emmerich gets. He just got ANOTHER disaster movie with over 100 million in costs gree lit and set up with one of the big studios. Baffling! So why do I even like this thing? Cause it’s cheese, and it’s the kind I liked when I was growing up. Fantastical trip to another land? Check. Nifty effects? Check. Amazingly boisterous soundtrack? Uber-check. And last, but certainly not least, Jaye Davidson. He/she is gorgeously alluring as the alien posing as the sun god Ra. I don't know whether to pop wood or beat the shit out of my dick for even thinking about moving. This is one of those villain roles that the right actor sinks their teeth into and turns into something else. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but it’s magic.
CHOICE CUT:
Kurt Russell - Give my regards to king tut, asshole!

8 The Wicker Man (2006, dir. Neil LaBute, US/GER)

Pure disaster, on every level. Here’s another one whose intentions appear to be to craft a real, thrilling, movie. The reasons for this British "cult classic" getting remade are well beyond my comprehension, let alone how this script for it filled with such awful dialogue, scenes, characters, and story made it to the green light. Of special, wonderful note, it’s incredible to see Nic Cage beat women. I don’t just mean he hits them – he gives them forceful kicks, and knockout punches. But what can you expect from Neil LaBute, he of one of the most intentionally misogynist films ever made, In The Company of Men. That film is uncompromisingly brutal on an emotional level, and thus became one of my personal favorites. It also put LaBute on a short list of great American filmmakers (though one could argue that writer is the better choice). He’s since gone on to make many other fine films, including another favorite that is the feminist answer to Men, The Shape of Things. In his career, there was only one tragic misstep with Gwyneth Paltrow. Then this happened. Anyone who doesn’t hold this in their "worst films of all time" list is delusional. Alternately, anyone who loves this film for all of its terribleness is a winner in my book. Nic Cage, with his hair plugs and his capped teeth, is all about the money here, turning in one of the single worst acting and career choices of all time for such a once bankable actor. It’s sad and wonderful to see a terrific performer turn into a money grubbing movie whore, reading lines with the wrong gusto and swagger, and imbuing the movie with a hyper-mysoginistic tone. Yeah, it’s LaBute, but Cage is the one selling it. It’s simultaneously the reason this thing is so fuckin’ hilarious. Double edged sword, suppose.
CHOICE CUT:
Nic Cage: STEP AWAY FROM THE BIKE.
Or
Nic Cage: NO! NOT THE BEES! AGHAGHGHHHHH!

9 Last Action Hero (1993, dir. John McTiernan, US)

How awful, awful, awful I feel for owning this hunk of shit. Guess what? I even tracked down the out-of-print widescreen DVD. NERD ALERT! I’m a Shane Black completest, for one thing. If you know anything about the production, or you know Shane Black’s history with his scripts, you should know that what’s on that screen is very little Shane Black. Hell, who KNOWS how many rewrites this thing went through, probably during production, maybe even during post. I’ve heard numerous times that the original script for this by Black was an action masterpiece that would eventually get turned into a muddled mess. Years later, we’d get that action masterpiece from Black (under Renny Harlin) in the form of The Long Kiss Goodnight, but I digress. Schwarzenegger appears to be just phoning it in for large chunks, and looks terribly uncomfortable at all the tonal shifts the films goes through. One second it’s slapstick, then there’s a play on words joke, then it’s a serious action film moment, and then the kid’s driving a crane...and then there’s a heartfelt moment. McTiernan does the best he can with what he’s given to work with, which isn’t much, so we get brief moments of excitement interspersed with awfulness. I’m a McTiernan FAN, dude. I think of any American action director, he certainly has had the most amount of absolute classics under his belt. Die Hard, Predator, The Hunt For Red October, The Medicine Man. Wait, what? Oh. Well, he’s done SOME good ones. Also, is it any surprise we never saw Austin O’Brien again after this and My Girl 2? So, M, what’s Last Action Hero doing on this list. It appears as if I don’t even know. It was a disappointment in the theater (the first 5.1 surround sound film, by the way), and it’s a disappointment every time I feel like watching it again. But I keep watching it every few years. There’s something there, right?
CHOICE CUT:
John: How do you get to Carnagy Hall?
Schwarzenegger: Practice...JOHN PRACTICE, you son of a bitch!

10 Troll 2 (1990, dir. Claudio Fragasso, ITA)

Perhaps the worst piece of trash I’ve ever seen, and notably so for the director’s apparently (according to the cast) noble and pure intentions. He had no idea that he was creating what would 15 or so years later turn into some sort of cult phenomenon. It’s tough to believe that this incredibly dumb story, the bargain bin acting, and the worst dialogue could have, by someone, been turned into something even watchable. This was written by Claudio and his wife, and has no connection at all to the original Troll (which is also bad, but on a different plane of bad). They spoke very little English, and this being an Italian production with an entirely American crew...well, this ain’t Leone. This is watchable, but for all the wrong reasons. Get it? You just have to see it, I think. The best part? It’s not well known. At all. And it’s just awful in so many charming ways that it’s something you’ll love turning other friends onto. Two of the principle cast went on tour for midnight screenings which came to the Tivoli in St.Louis last summer. It was nicely filled with die hard fans, but not overflowing with those cult-ish assholes. I use that term "fan" loosely, as I can’t find it to be something people would intentionally, genuinely love. When it comes to the worst films ever, I think intention is something to factor in. Ed Wood, for whatever reason, believed he was making something good every time. I think it’s so much better and insulting when the intention is pure, but the result is horrible. Untraceable would be a fine example of this recently, a film made only for the purpose of money, and crafted with the lowest quality of thriller ingredients available. We’re talking a one draft script and a first time director, or a second unit guy on CSI or some shit. Where was I? OH! Troll 2 is hilarious, no matter how you slice it, and that’s why it’s here. Nothing, for me, beats an awful film that takes itself as seriously as it can.
CHOICE CUT:
Oh it’s nearly impossible, there are SO many. But, if I had to pick one, it would be the infamous: "You can’t spit on hospitality, I won’t allow it!"
-M

2008-06-02T03:04:00.000-07:00

UNDER FIRE!

UPDATE: Apparently this was all caused by a cleaning blowtorch. It did its job then? Millions in damage. Still sad.

Yikes! So it came to my attention today that there was a rather large blaze at Universal Studios in Los Angeles. It's not reported what started the fire, or more importantly what they were filming that caused it. I was there about three years ago on the nose, visiting the city that I will most likely be living in whenever I get my ass out of college. I really kinda fell in love with LA when I was there, which is odd. I'm really looking forward to moving out there in a few years, call me crazy. You hear abnout people falling for New York and Colorado and so forth, but not this busy, noisy, polluted, congested city. At any rate, here are a few sorta decent photos that I took during that trip of pieces of film history that were lost today, including that clock tower from Back To The Future, and the King Kong featured tour of the studio. These aren't the greatest, but I felt the urge to post them. Fuck, that's what a blog is all about. The park didn't really impress me until we went on the tour and I got to see some of the backlots. Fortunately, the studio didn't lose any irreplacable film prints, but this is still a minor tragedy. Also, for no apparent reason, myself and Fantasia Barrino on the plane back to St.Louis.

The welcome globe.

Got to go back in time-ah.

This is framed rather well.

Inapropriate! Part of the tour where a helicopter goes down in flames.

The mighty KONG. Sorta. It was dark. And I have no fucking clue whose head that is.

My dad and I, being touristy before we left.

She was a sweetie.

-M

2008-05-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

2 10 Things I Hate About You (1999, dir. Gil Junger, US)

This is IT -- the film that helped launched three major careers: Joseph-Gordon Levitt, Heath Ledger, and that bland-oid Julia Styles. Two out of three ain’t bad. Part of the "let’s modernize Shakespere" fad, this PG-13 teen romp is the kind of which there hadn’t been since the 80s. Offensive, loud, boisterous, and actually funny some of the time. Of course, this same magical year brought us American Pie, which would trump it in terms of sheer shock value (though is piss poor by comparison). So what we’re left with is a forgettable, bland adaptation/modernization of Shakespeare that is a by-the-numbers romantic comedy. There’s a market for this, I get it. I’m not that market. Now I wouldn’t tell someone they had bad taste for liking this, but I’m ashamed to like it on a personal level. I can only take so much romantic schmaltz before I realize I’m single and violently turn on the thing. That scene at the end, with Julia Styles and the poem? Fucking repulsively emotional. It’s cute, though. On a side note, my mom and I decided immediately while watching that Heath should play Mel Gibson’s son. His next role? The Patriot. Coincidence? Bitches and snitches be spying, mo likely. He’s dead now, though. And I didn’t suggest him for The Joker.

CHOICE CUT
David Krumholtz: I’ve got a dick on my face, don’t I?

3 Amazon Women On The Moon (1987, dir. Various, US)

This is a really fucking stupid movie. It’s the spiritual successor to Zucker/Abraham/Landis’ classic Kentucky Fried Movie, which is basically random shorts edited together like some sort of surreal Saturday Night Live on premium cable. While Kentucky is filled with laughs, Amazon is missing the Zucker and Abraham components, which have been replaced with the likes of Joe Dante and Robert K.Weiss. Not exactly a fair trade. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Dante...but this was the beginning of his downfall, if it hadn’t already began. Amazon, nonetheless, is inspired in its often un-funny weirdness that they attempt to string together as a really, really bad night of TV viewing, full of technical problems. At its core is a loose parody of Nude on the Moon, a 60s film that made good on its promise by posing the implausible premise of a crew of astronauts crash landing on the moon, and subsequently being surrounded by an endless supply of topless, Amazonian women. In Amazon, they aren’t nude, so you can guess how much fun that is. The real highlights of the flick are the commercials and programs which are used to fill the time when the movie fucks up. My favorites of the bunch include a Friar’s club roast/funeral, and Arsenio Hall’s slapstick, tour de force performance in John Landis’ bizarre, short segment, Mondo Condo.

CHOICE CUT
Arsenio Hall: AIN’T NO FUCKIN’ SELMA LIVE HERE, MAN!

4 The Shadow (1994, dir. Russell Mulcahey, US)

Of all the superhero films you have to choose from, you probably wouldn’t pick The Shadow as the one you remember from your childhood the most fondly. Oh, but I do. Do you KNOW how awesome this movie is? Were you aware that it’s primarily a dark comedy? It’s no wonder this thing wasn’t a big success, nor is it very well remembered today. It’s probably the strangest adaptation of a pulp hero you can possibly imagine, and that’s saying something. It doesn’t hurt that it’s got the gorgeous Penelope Anne Miller, and the dreamy Alec Baldwin to carry the bulk of the material. The script itself is often witty and hilarious, and intentionally so! The effects are, usually, awful, and unlike other movies of the era don’t appear to age particularly well. Mulcahey’s direction is inspired and yet also quite foolish, finding a tone that doesn’t quite know wether to take itself as a serious action film or a weird comic lampoon. Kinda like his Highlander, only more intentional comedy. Who at the studio watched a rough cut of this and decided to release it in this form? It’s an absolute mess! They would never, ever make something like this today, and it’s a fluke it was ever made in the first place. So do yourself a favor and relish it as I do. It’s a gem.

CHOICE CUT
Margo Lane: Oh, God I dreamed.

Lamont Cranston: So did I. What did you dream?

Margo Lane: I was lying naked on a beach in the South Seas. The tide was coming up to my toes. The sun was beating down. My skin hot and cool at the same time. It was wonderful. What was yours?

Lamont Cranston: I dreamed I tore all the skin off my face and was somebody else underneath. Margo Lane: You have problems.

Lamont Cranston: I'm aware of that.

5 Casper (1995, dir. Brad Silberling, US)

The DVD release of this was a happy day. I hadn’t seen Casper in a number of years, and was looking forward to revisiting my late childhood. I rushed out to purchase in the morning, as this was before I realized I could visit Wal Mart at midnight to pick things up with the weirdos. The verdict was in about two hours later, and it was not pleasant. I liked it, but I had no idea why, because it’s a piece of shit. Cathy Moriarty delivers one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen, and she’s delivered quite a few to compete with it. Don’t even get me started on that dreamy, boring Devon Sawa, who post-Final Destination has disappeared to the direct to video netherworld. Honestly, did ANYBODY have fond memories of the friendly ghost when they were a child? FRIENDLY ghost? How interesting is that? I don’t think I ever watched the cartoon, did you? Hell, the only reason anybody knows Casper so well is because of Halloween costumes. So technically, they’ve made a film from a Halloween costume. I’m sure they’ve made films on a flimsier idea (hi, Night at the Roxbury). So what’s my appeal here? I think I’m still drawn in by Christina Ricci’s transformation from gothic pre-teen to angsty-cute-girl. It had only been a few years since Addam’s Family Values, and I suppose I had a crush on her. Some part of me still does, but mostly in THIS era. Does that make me a pedophile? I mean, we were around the same age THEN. I suppose since I’ve seen her naked today it makes it okay, right?

CHOICE CUT:
Casper: Can I keep you?

6 Naked Killer (1992, dir. Clarence Fok Yiu-leung, HK)

Wong Jing is the Chinese equivalent of Roger Corman. His productions are always low budget affairs, they’re predominantly awful, and they’re usually offensive to someone. I’m not talking Da Vinici code offensive, here – I recall plenty of AIDS jokes in his films. That might just be an imagination on my part, but I’m sure that every one of his films contains something tremendoulsy offensive. Of his films, though, this is the only one I’m happy to have...for this is the only one that has a man eating a severed penis. Yep, his meat disappears somehow from his bun, and a severed cock that was glued with blood to the ceiling falls into place. He eats it. The rest of the movie is a blur beyond that, every time. It remains the only film I’ve seen this in, and will likely remain that way.

CHOICE CUT:
The dialogue is awful, and it’s poorly subtitled, or dubbed...but the tagline IMDB gives is beyond brilliant:
"There Are Two Things On Their Minds... One's Killing!"

See you soon for more.

-M

2008-05-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

MY TOP 50(ish) GUILTY PLEASURES

Finally! I return from the abyss with my large list in hand. Take that as you will. I say 50(ish) because who knows where I'll stop. I started writing this list a few years back, and some films have moved from being a pleasure to...something less in that short amount of time, and I've discovered new ones as well. That's how these work, people.

GUILTY PLEASURES.

We all have them. They’re those flicks that you’re simultaneously proud and ashamed to have displayed on your shelf. When people come over, and they ask "why do you own THAT," and you feel the immediate desire to hide and/or defend yourself and said "THAT", you know you’ve found a guilty pleasure. It’s true that very many of these are indeed incredibly terrible productions, but sometimes you just can’t help what you adore. Fuck, I know I can’t. My collection has grown large enough that I’ve decided to separate the "cult" films that I own by segregating them to the basement screening area. Why do I own these things?? Is it nostalgia? Is it cheese? Is it bad taste? All in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. One man’s trash is another man’s trash that he bought from the bargain bin, and now wants to keep on a shelf and occasionally view. I shall now display 50(ish) favorites, though not a TOP 50(ish), that I love to hate to love, in no particular order. It’s like ranking your children; I can pick the top few but the rest are just all over the place! I have lots of kids. I'm like Flavor Flav.

1 Hard Target (1993, dir. John Woo, US)

Sam Raimi produced this piece of action trash for John Woo’s English film debut, a "hard boiled" action-thriller set in good old Naw’lins. Unfortunately, the studio didn’t quite understand who they had gotten to direct this thing – during the final shootout, they complained that Woo had far too many villains entering the building out of nowhere to fight Van Damme’s Chance. Woo’s seemingly endless supply of henchmen is something that isn’t really given a second thought in his Hong Kong flicks, but, y’know, us regular American people like logic. Likewise, Van Damme didn’t realize that Woo would want him to fire guns a lot more than flex them Brussel-muscles, so we get some sort of odd hybrid between two styles as they butted heads during production. Van Damme will shoot somebody between eight and seventy times, and then roundhouse them in the face to ensure a victory. Score! It’s nice that they found a middle ground. Van Damme also stretches his immaculate acting ability by adding an southern/French twang to his already muddled, often indecipherable, broken English. On the plus side, this is the last film that Woo has done since his transition to the US that retained his less-glossy realism (aka. he still didn’t have much money) and on-the-fly style of action choreography that feels over the top and yet immediate and fresh as if this sequence is actually unfolding right before your eyes. Face/Off got some of it back, but it was all downhill from here. Hell, it IS downhill -- starting here. The story is ridiculous and even attempts to say something about the poverty of New Orleans – by hunting the homeless for sport, we can get rid of them. Believe this fun fact: it’s based on a novel!!!(!!!). Somebody wrote this BEFORE it was an action movie! Eat your heart out, Tom Clancey. I still love Hard Target for all its excess and terrible acting, and for Lance Henrickson’s truly menacing, scene stealing heavy. It was worth it (or worth it to me) to find the workprint that has all the unbelievably ridiculous violence the studio decided to cut, and a totally useless love story subplot between Yancy Butler and Van Damme, who manage to have the direct opposite of chemistry. Hatred? I’m sure he was constantly harassing her sexually. Them were the coked up days.

CHOICE CUT:
Yancy Butler: Why’re you named Chance?
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Meh mamma took ‘unn.

I haven't really decided how to post these. It may be a few at a time, but this was one I wrote literally, like, a year ago. Gotta start somewhere. I'm gonna be in Colorado for a few days this week, but I'm gonna try to get some more posted while I'm vacationing. See you soon.

-M

2008-04-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

DARE-AOKE - BONUS ROUND 1

I was not dared by anyone to watch this. This is a portion that will be of my own doing, as I seem to be a glutton for punishment. I have three awful films ahead of me, and we’ve stopped daring temporarily so as not to make the task any more daunting than it already clearly is. But when your choice is " do I want to watch a movie about raving kids with Shannon Elisabeth, or a movie based on a video game that stars Tara Reid as someone of culture?", you tend to find ways of avoiding the situation. Thus, I discovered this gem that’s likely never rented from our store in ten years. Who knows, perhaps people remember this movie as fondly as Sixteen Candles or Porky’s, more accurately. Not fucking likely, but a possibility nonetheless.

From the opening music montage set to 80's jazzercising beauties, with lyrics that sound far too much like "you’re my tutor, and I’m bi-curious" to be anything else, I knew I had discovered a new favorite. This is a sex comedy with Crispin Glover, folks, and in the first 15 minutes he’s being tortured by a dominatrix in a whorehouse. What IS this? I love it! Glover, sadly, is not the lead, and it falls apart from there. Instead, we’re treated to Matt Lattanzi as our hero. He was Mr. Olivia Newton-John for a few years, and they had an anorexic child together, Chloe Lattanzi, who’s currently showcasing the weirdest voice ever on MTV’s Rock the Cradle. Where was I? Oh yeah, Matt Lattanzi. Matt’s about as stiff as his character’s dick is supposed to be. Of course, a teen sex romp is not to be known for the brilliant acting, character, or story. The main focus is on the zany situations and the tits. Oh, my, the tits. Seriously, we’ve gotten so prude that when we see breasts on screen, we have to make a note of it. Shannon Elisabeth in American Pie would be a good example, I suppose. That felt like a big deal, kinda. You’d fill that notepad up with this movie, as just about every woman in this thing gets nude, and usually without batting an afterthought. Hallelujah. Otherwise, this is unbearable. 80s sex comedies often are, time capsules of T & A and little else in the way of memorable. The whole revolves around the odd male fantasy of hooking up with your hot, 30-year-old French tutor who enjoys skinny dipping at your house late at night. Implausible! This ends with the lead doing a freeze frame heel kick! Come ON!
-M

2008-03-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH = AMAZING

HBO has done the smartest thing this past week. No, they didn't decide to bring back The Wire or The Sopranos or Six Feet Under. You're a heartless bastard for just thinking it. Instead, they decided to pick up the rights to broadcast the Austrailian import Summer Heights High for the summer. You've likely not heard of the show yet, but it's impossible to believe that after the word-of-mouth success of Flight of the Conchords that this too will go unheard of. The reason? The incomperable Chris Lilley.

Who? I know, I said the same thing. The guy has a few shows on his resume, none of which have any profile in America, but We Can Be Heroes is certainly something I'm all over now. This one got some heavy press for being totally politically incorrect. I've had this show for a while now, but the HBO news finally prompted me to breeze through all four hours of it. This guy is the perfect Aussie blend of Sasha Baron Cohen and Ricky Gervais by way of Christopher Guest. Impossible, I know, but unbelieveably true. How has he not made the crossover to America yet? He can sing, he can dance, he's good looking, and he's fucking hilarious. This show's a mockumentary style piece taking place over a semester of an Austrailian high school with Lilley playing three very distiguished and different roles: a way-over-age, troublesome student in 8th grade named Jonah, a bitchy it-girl named Ja'mie, and a flamboyant high school drama teacher who calls himself Mr. G (very reminicent of Cookie St. Clair). He and director Stuart McDonald hit all of the mockumentary themes and timing perfectly without feeling tired or stale. Lilley imbue the characters with a grounded sense of reality throughout the series, and turn the cartoonish origins into real creations of chaaracter, and they take on a greater form. This is why Lilley is incredible. It's not just funny in a nerve hitting fashion, it's working as a social commentary and a satire as well. It becomes rather serious and emotional at times, and it's really hard to believe if it's supposed to be amusing or not. I sincerely love the idea of crossing the line between humor and emotion, two things that shouldn't be blended at all for fear that one reaction either way will be too strong. This reminds me all the more of the first time I saw The Office. These characters are all deplorable in their own way, hilariously racist or bigoted, and all three are certainly egocentric. The show's very mean spirited, and I really love that sorta "wrong" humor. There are frequent references to mentally handicapped kids that are quite uncomfortable to begin with. Remember how Ricky Gervais made you curl into a fetal position on The Office? Extras to some extent, too? Same thing here. Painful comedy. Even better? Continuing the foreign idea of conquering shows in one 6-10 episode series is simply wonderful. Eight episodes, and they're done. I don't know if I'd want to see these guys again for another season, so instead it makes a huge mark and gets out quick. Brilliant.

Check out a trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hH5nN9IFGDM

This starts airing in June on Friday nights. If you're impatient, or don't have HBO, I'm sure you can track it down in the meantime. It's an absolute new favorite of mine, and it's bound to be one of yours.

-M

2008-03-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

HAHAHA!!!

He got the gout from gaining all that weight! THE GOUT! I really can't wait to see this, which I've heard reactions ranging from "utter shit" to "fantastic." This is of course that Mark David Chapman film which co-stars Lindsay "Monroe" Lohan. I highly doubt the later reaction, but ya never know. Leto + Lohan = a really small, pretty parade.

My lack of posts, right? I've been in total TV show mood lately, mostly British productions. I'm totally in love with the torrent world for giving me access to things I'd otherwise have none. Highly suggest The Mighty Boosh (like a brilliant Pee Wee's Playhouse for adults) and I'm Alan Partridge for comedy's sake, and this wonderfully addictive teensploitation show called Skins. This thing is impressively crude and vulgar, which is something that is entirely real but wouldn't even be brushed with by American networks. I've also obtained Edgar Wright/Nick Frost/Simon Pegg's show Spaced. Yeah, I own it, and I've seen it, but my region free DVD player is no longer. And it's awesome. Fortunately for the rest of the Region 1 land, the show's supposed to finally be released in July with all sorts of new commentaries with their new American friends like Quinten Tarantino and Diablo Cody(?). I'm assuming they tackled all the music rights, of which there is a lot of integral stuff. That's the whole reason The Wonder Years has yet to make it to digital land. Anyway, I suppose I'm filling the void of the strike, albeit about a month after it ended. Go figure.

Meanwhile, my film pile just keeps adding up. I currently have John Ford/John Wayne, Pedro Almodovar, Stanley Kubrick and Sergio Leone box sets to wade through. That's like 30 movies right there. Outside of that? Like 100 others. I've also got a month's worth of bad and good recommendations which I can't get around to watching. I totally plan to, though, so keep checking back. I really wish I was motivated to get through college so I could get around to watching these.
-M

2008-02-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

DARE-AOKE ROUND 7

Ken Park - dir. Larry Clark and Edward Lachman, 2002, US/NEA/FRA

Aww, poor Ken Park is out in the ether of films without American distribution! Despite what some would have you believe, the audacity and the subject matter isn’t the only thing keeping this from finding a distributer. Yeah, full frontal nudity, graphic violence, graphic sex, and un-simulated masturbation will probably garner you an NC-17, but the other factor is this – it’s a piece of shit. Thanks to the internet, I was able to obtain it and was finally dared by Joe to give it a viewing. That ginger moppet up there is Ken Park, himself, which it’s explained is "krap nek" backwards. Clever! I’m not a huge fan of Larry Clark’s work. Unlike myself, Larry and his films seems to have not grown up well. I think Kids, for all of its possible intentions as a cautionary tale, has become an exaggerated icon for my generation and younger. This is the re-teaming of writer Harmony Korine and Clark, and they work their magic once again. There’s something about their idea of dysfunctional reality that works its way past tough to watch and into unwatchable. Clark’s vision isn’t even surreal, it’s just fantasy. Most unwatchable of the stories in the film revolves around the character of Tate (The Wire’s James Ransone), who violently hates his dog and his grandparents that he lives with. He also enjoys asphyxiating himself and masturbating to the grunts of female tennis players. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up. Well, apparently Corine and Clark can! It of course results in Tate viciously murdering all three of them in the middle of the night. There isn’t any real rationale for it, unlike Clark’s take on the true story behind Bully. At least Clark sets up that antagonist as a complete prick before a gang of youth murder him. Perhaps Clark is looking to garner a reaction of hatred toward his films with including all the controversial ideas and themes. I can't really figure out his motives, to be honest. You can call him a pervert, a creep, or a sadist, or whatever else you’d like, but ultimately he’s just a shoddy director. That’s the worst insult of all. Okay, maybe not.
-M

2008-02-26T17:10:00.000-08:00

DARE-AOKE ROUND 6

Vampire Journals - dir. Ted Nicolaou, 1997, US

"The woman in the car was no vampire...but she reeked of evil."

If there’s one thing I certainly can’t stand, it’s gothic, castle-y vampires. The pasty faces, the long, dark coats, and the British accents -- old fashioned, tacky shit! I feel that the classic lore of monsters from the past should update with the times! Dracula 2000 isn’t a great example of this, but you know what I mean. Bram Stoker’s Dracula is a wonderful read, and I even like Coppola’s take on it, but as far as I’m concerned we can burn Anne Rice at the stake. I shall not miss her 174 volume series nor its future volumes, nor those two shitty movies that came from them. Imagine my pleasure of getting this heap dumped on me! I don’t just have to deal with these bore-hounds, but I have to deal with the journals! Not just one journal, mind you, but multiple journals. Fantastic. Dare-aoke is often a warning for you, the reader, against picking things up. Not that you WOULD pick this up. Sometimes I’d like someone to join my misfortune. Please, rent Guarding Eddy. It’s magical. This, on the other hand, I can safely say was a waste of 80 minutes. I have never been so bored in my life! How many long haired, faggy vampires with names like Ash can I possibly stomach? They stand in dark lit, castle hallways and talk to each other with brooding, soap opera delivery. Then they bite someone. They’re after some mortal girl. This shit is all the same, every time! This is apparently a spin-off of the Subspecies series of films which are likely equally as brooding, hammy, and written by bored housewives. This was probably a fan written project that got picked up at some lame vampire convention! I could see that happening! This entire production was a fan made ordeal! Cause I bet this is what vampire fans would make, given the chance. Hell, I bet this movie has a fan site! Who ARE these people? Glancing at the Netflix reviews for Supspecies 4: Bloodstorm (OOH! That title!), someone makes the bold claim that "Anders Hove is and always will be the scariest, most evil vampire around." Who??? Fuck off!

Here’s a priceless gem of a review of THIS movie, also from Netflix:
'Vampire Journals' is not really a horror film; rather, it's a supernatural gothic melodrama. With tortured self-pitying voiceover narration; deep shades of red against black; indirect lights casting multiple shadows; ...well you get the idea. The main flaw, in my opinion, is not the lack of thrills or shocks, because there is some suspense, and it's certainly a very absorbing film. The main flaw is the characterization, perhaps even the casting and the quality of acting. Everyone seems to over-act; everyone is just too extreme in their characterizations. As a result, the immediate friendship between the two protagonists (the cheerfully-naive American college girl & the morbidly-melancholy Eastern European weirdo) strikes me as improbable, to say the least. Aside from that, it's worth seeing if you're into gothic subgenres. (For a comtemporary gothic set in NYC, w/ believable characters, and a portrayal of vampirism that looks all too realistic, see 'Habit'.)

They gave it four stars.
-M